Two Whole Cakes

Warm the towels for the post-show shower to wash away the skeeve, it’s the second episode of everyone’s favorite show about hysterical and insecure fat women.

First off, we get a montage reminding us what’s to come in this series: crying, jealousy, crying, fat pain, crying, and food. Next, we get another montage showing us what happened last week: crying, jealousy, crying, fat pain, crying, and food. Also Luke kissed some people and I nearly barfed, though my affection for regurgitation (reference? somebody has to get this) is sadly not covered in the clips. There was sadness and middling drama, and now it’s mansiontime.

A few laydeez are in the kitchen preparing food. We launch right into the food angle, of course. One laydee asks, “Do you cook a lot at home?” and Christina replies, “Yeah, you know, like grilled cheese, and macaroni…” Malissa laughs and says, “That’s good.” I am hoping against hope that this is meant to be a wry joke, but apparently not. Hell, why not just fill the hot tub with gravy and have one of the laydeez drink it?

Apparently Christina’s cookery practices are a segue into Malissa telling us in confessional (rolls!) that she has issues with Christina, whom Malissa thinks has an “attitude” about how things go on in the kitchen (come on producers, couldn’t you actually scrounge up a clip that provides evidence of this?) and is a “whiner”. No doubt this is a setup for drama to unfold.

As an aside, we are still seeing the height and weight info, along with typical reality-show character info like name, age, and career. I am still of two minds about this. I observed in my prior recap, it’s obviously there for sideshow-freak appeal. And there’s nothing to assure us that these are real weights; we have no way of knowing if they’re self-reported or whether Fox actually made the laydeez hop on a scale (which, honestly, wouldn’t surprise me). But fake weights or not, what’s interesting is the effect this may be having on the perception of the people watching the show even from a non-critical perspective. I’ve also been reading some more mainstream approaches to the first episode and I saw one commenter on one non-FA blog say something to the effect of, “I’m glad they show the weights, because I wouldn’t have thought any of those women were over 200 pounds.” Hell’s bells, if some folks are so clueless as to what 200 pounds actually looks like, it’s no wonder they assume that anyone who weighs 300 pounds must be confined to bed and at death’s door.

Emme appears and calls all the laydeez to the laydee-stacking room, and I’m still not sure why she’s here since she only turns up for a total of like five minutes per episode. Today the laydeez get to have their first dates with Luke. Group dates. They will be busted up into two “teams” and each team will get to go out with Luke on some ridiculous couch-sitting extravaganza. But here’s the twist: they have to choose the teams! Emme names Anna and Malissa as team captains — whether they’re chosen because they were the first two picked by Luke during the last elimination is unstated, but I’m sort of assuming that’s the case. Or else I’ve watched too many cycles of America’s Next Top Model.

Sweet, now we all get to enjoy the classic Picked-Last Childhood Trauma. Melissa agrees with me, and after weepily recalling the birthday parties she wasn’t invited to as a kid, observes, “This is the moment where I’m going to realize that no one likes me.” Melissa, dear, I would bet that neither Anna nor Malissa are choosing based on the people they like — they’re choosing based on the people to whom they think they look best in comparison. Let the picking begin! Anna picks Arianne first; Malissa picks Mandy. Melissa’s picked fourth and all her childhood wounds are healed. Christina starts talking in confessional about playing Red Rover in elementary school and her name never being called. OH MAN, I REMEMBER THAT TOO. I actually loved Red Rover. Though I think I was rarely called because I was typically the fattest kid in class and my momentum was not to sneezed at. We’re talking cry-worthy injuries to spindly elementary-age arms, folks.

Eventually it’s just Christina standing behind the laydee-stacking couch. Christina wonders if she’s getting picked last because she’s fatter than some of the other girls — this might be possible if Christina were actually one of the fatter fats, but she’s totally not, so body dysmorphia for the lose. Christina says, “Standing there all alone, I kinda got all upset” and I do feel sympathetic for her, because that’s a shitty position to be in. Christina actually says, out loud to the group, “I’m a little hurt,” which is disarmingly honest and depressing. Lauren sensitively says that Christina “appeared to be a snob” and that’s why she’s last. Christina takes the Stuart Smalley route and in confessional talks about how people think she’s fun and “like to hang out” with her.

They make Christina stand there looking forlorn for approximately two hours while they film it from all angles and the two teams stand and stare Christina down like she’s facing a fat firing squad. Finally Emme — standing between the groups of picked laydeez like one of the many evil Phys Ed teachers I have known in my life — takes a HUGE LEAP and says, “All of you know how upsetting it is to be picked last, you’ve all been through it before.” Really Emme? Did you take a poll before making this assumption? Emme goes on to say, “…but today we’re celebrating the last pick!” This would have been better if Emme’d shouted “PSYCH!” in true elementary-school spirit, but she takes the dignified (HAHAHAHAHAHA, sorry) route. Christina, as last picked, gets an alone date with Luke. DAMN, kids. The other laydeez are BUMMED.

Lauren looks daggers at Christina and then goes off all exasperated in confessional, saying it’s totally not fair that Christina gets an alone-date with Luke just because nobody likes her. Stay classy, Lauren! It’s taking quite the effort to make myself remember that Lauren’s whining and unpleasantness may be the result of manipulative editing, but no matter who’s at fault for it, Lauren is coming over as powerfully unlikeable to me right now.

Malissa’s team gets their date first, and Emme instructs them to run outside like freaks to get their pre-date instructions. Outside they discover a giant plastic version of the gimmicky rings they all get, and tied to it with ribbon is a note. I really have watched too much America’s Next Top Model because my brain immediately went “LUKEMAIL! WOOOOO!” The Lukemail says they should dress up and meet him outside at dusk for a sunset cruise.

As the laydeez pile into the limo, Luke says of them in confessional: “I’ve heard about the struggles they’ve had in their dating lives, and I just want to put them at ease.” Again, with the skeevy. Why does Luke’s constant insistence on “putting women at ease” make him seem like a creepy sexual predator to me? I can’t put my finger on it.

And, they’re on a boat. The yacht in question is called “The Dream Maker” which is just SO predictable I may have fallen asleep for a moment after that. Why aren’t there any boats called The Tawdry Strumpet? Luke stands on the deck surrounded by laydeez and sounds like he’s leading a sales seminar: “So this is our first date, let’s do this thing! Let’s get out there and SELL, SELL, SELL!” He actually only says the first part but I think the second was understood. Who’s going to get the Glengarry leads? I can barely stand the tension.

Heather has a swig of pink champagne and suddenly blurts, “I don’t feel good” and bolts for the dock. She gets down the stairs and leans over the water between the side of the The Dream Maker (henceforth, The Sick Maker) and the dock. OH MAN, does she ever puke. Heather voms hardcore. She voms A LOT. And cries. Oh Heather, this show makes me nauseous too! Speaking as someone prone to epic motion sickness myself (to the extent that I have at one point employed an airplane barf bag for the purpose for which it was intended), I actually feel for Heather on this account. Dramamine, girlfriend. Don’t leave solid ground without it. Stupid ocean. Heather cries that she is sorely bummed that she’s not in a state to spend time with Luke. I don’t think spending time with Luke is going to help with the vomiting, but whatevs.

In confessional, Malissa all but expresses joy at Heather’s misery and asserts that she has her “eye on the prize”. AWESOME LET’S START THE REALITY SHOW CLICHES SHALL WE? Next somebody has to say they’re not here to make friends, they’re here to win!

The wine starts flowing. Malissa is immediately possessive, hooking her arm around Luke and saying to the rest of the laydeez, “Welcome to our yacht!” I expect she meant this to be cute but it strikes me as a little creepy. And then, as though she’s read my mind, Malissa observes confessional-style she’s not here to make friends! Nice work, Malissa. Way to live the dream.

Malissa and Luke recline on the deck together for their one-on-one time. Malissa starts talking about how she likes Luke and she wasn’t sure if what she saw the first night was an act and Luke says oh no totally this is how I am and Malissa says yeah I like how you are and calls him “level-headed” and says she likes how he “takes care of business” and at this point Luke looks at her blankly because he’s probably realizing he knows basically nothing about her and thus he can’t really return the compliment (if “level-headed” and “takes care of business” are compliments – frankly to me they sound like something you’d say at a job interview) so instead he smoothly goes in for the kissing, since that seemed to work out well for him before. Making-out ensues, and I am spiritually sprawled on the nausea-couch below deck with Heather. In confessional, Malissa says Luke makes her “feel like that size 2 supermodel” and my goodness, there is so much wrong with this statement I think my head might explode. Or, it’s possible Malissa is just hungry and that’s where the feeling is coming from. Yes, a hungry model joke! Thank you, I’ll be here all week, remember to tip your waitresses!

Malissa thinks some of the other laydeez will be jealous of the kissing. Ugh. I GUESS.

The group, sans Heather, sits down to eat. Bonnie observes in confessional that they’re free to eat in front of Luke, because he’s not going to judge them for it, which is actually kind of a big deal, considering Fear of Eating in Front of People is a common female disease, no matter the size of the woman in question. At dinner, Malissa makes another creepy-possessive comment along the lines of, “Oh, I’m so glad you all could join us,” in keeping with her earlier “Welcome to our yacht!”, and Kristian GOES OFF in confessional, basically calling Malissa “full of herself” and questioning her fat credentials. Kristian says Malissa didn’t gain fatness until after high school (damn, are these laydeez young) and thus she doesn’t really know what it’s like to grow up fat; Kristian mentions, among other things, that Malissa can’t know what it’s like to “not be able to fit in a desk” and BLESS YOUR ETERNAL SOUL, Kristian, for speaking up about some of the day-to-day bullshit fat people have to deal with but aren’t really allowed to complain about since fatness is perceived as an optional state of being (i.e., too fat for the desk? the implied solution is to lose weight and change yourself to suit the desk, not to make desks that fit everyone). Kristian also talks about having to shop in untrendy plus size stores at 15, struggling to take a trip with your girlfriends because you’re worried about not fitting on the plane or that the seatbelt won’t buckle (aside to Kristian, seatbelt extenders!) . Kristian’s excellent rant winds up with, “If you think you’re better than me because your body is smaller, then you shouldn’t be here at all.” I half agree with you, Kristian, though I would have put it “If you think you’re better than me because your body is smaller, then GO FUCK YOURSELF.”

Also, I JUST REALIZED that Kristian actually said the words, “Malissa doesn’t know what it’s like growing up FAT.” She actually said fat. In fact, she emphasized it pretty hardcore, though whether that was a means of punctuating her fat pain, or whether it was a conscious choice to use the word in a descriptive sense remains to be seen. But wow! Somebody on this show said fat! Clip below:

Luke presents a toast: “May all of our dreams come true on The Dream Maker.”

Speaking of inducing vomiting, stuck on the couch below deck and no doubt feeling like hell, Heather is A-#1 Crying Fat Chick this episode. If fat chicks crying were an Olympic sport, poor Heather’s performance in this episode would get her a gold medal. Upstairs, encouched with Kristian, Luke feeds her some cake or something, which watch-the-fatties-eat sideshow aspect aside, is kind of sweet. Kristian is gorgeous, y’all. And incredibly wide-eyed and genuine. I sort of dig her. Luke pays her some lovely compliments. As well he should. In fact, Luke is almost likeable in Kristian’s presence. I’m sure he will remedy that soon.

After his time with Kristian, Luke visits napping Heather, waking her up to check on her. Heather is clearly thinking “SHIT I’M FLOPPED ON A COUCH AND PROBABLY STILL SMELLING VAGUELY OF BARF AND OMG WHAT DO I DO”. She drags her ill self upstairs to have her encouchment time. Luke is impressed by her crazy-eyed attempts to be upbeat and bubbly with him in spite of feeling like she’s going to puke up a lung. More crying in confessional. Heather tells Luke she’s never dated a guy who’s bigger than her before. And this is really no small matter, as norms would have us believe that women are supposed to be smaller than men — both in height and girth — and this is just one of many culturally-imposed obstacles to femininity that fatness can impose. So for Heather, cuddling up with a guy bigger than her might make her feel girly in a way she’s never experienced. Oh, all this suffering and pain, just to feel “normal”.

Can I just take a moment here to observe that I love the confessional shots because it shows the laydeez sitting down and in most cases you can see their little belly rolls? This show is really trying hard to paint fatness – or at least size 14 – as “average”, which I do have problems with. The idea that the average woman in the US wears a size 14 does not literally translate to a reality that there are more size 14 women than any other size; mathmatically this is the difference between the median and the mean. The “average” size 14 really just means there are lots of women who wear smaller sizes and lots of women who wear larger sizes and they all boil down statistically to a size 14, but that doesn’t actually prove that a 14 is “normal”. That said, the unspoken normalization of what often happens to a fat body when it’s sitting down is kind of powerful, if only because honestly, I could count on one hand the number of people I’ve seen on TV over the past few years who were shaped like me. So seeing the rolly laydeez in their seated confessional shots is a delightful little moment of recognition.

Meanwhile, the laydeez-in-waiting are talking about kissing. Kristian is adorably staking out her plan for eventually moving on to a lips-kiss, as she’s only gotten as far as the cheek thus far. Malissa is kind of a bitch, again, in confessional, saying, basically: fuck everyone else, I do what I want!

Group date the first is over, and we go back to the mansion.

LAYDEEZ, LUKEMAIL! WOOOOOO!

Luke wants Christina to dress up and meet him out front for their solo date. She chooses an unfortunate tube dress and shows it off to the laydeez before leaving. Let me try to describe this sucker: it’s got a silver stretch-sequin band top, which falls into a dark grey above-the-knee bubble skirt, though sadly it’s rendered in that shit polyester knit so the bubble effect is basically lost. The top fits dreadfully. I suspect the laydeez have brought their own clothes but frankly it woould have been nice if the show had furnished them each with a few nice cocktail dresses, preferably ones that don’t look like they came from Dots. OH SLAM. I’m sorry Christina, I don’t know your circumstances, but I just really hate that fucking dress.

Christina visits the laydeez before leaving, ostensibly to show off her outfit. Lauren bitchily suggests that Christina’s solo date may not render her safe from elimination. Christina eventually leaves the laydeez by the pool, saying, “Don’t wait up for me,” and she sounds freakishly like Paris Hilton. Weird. Clip below.

Luke confessions, “Christina’s definitely the type of curvy voluptuous woman that I’m into”. Really? I’m not sure if the show’s made your preferences clear yet, Luke. Maybe you should reiterate them a few million more times. Luke then says Christina has a “sexy aura” and a “bangin’” body. A sexy aura? I know there are women out there who positively melt at this sort of talk, and I know a part of my response is based on the fact that I find Luke about as attractive as a lump of phlegm, but EW EW EW.

They’re getting on a private jet. I am hoping it looks like Austin Powers’ jet on the inside, complete with rotating bed, but alas, it just looks like a normal plane. Luke makes a comment about Christina being able to use him as a flotation device and it actually wrenches a laugh from my cold shriveled wretched heart.

Back at the house, Kristian and another laydee are sitting all-rolly-like (should I be doing a roll count for each episode?) beside Arianne in the pool, and Kristian is going on and on about Luke, and Arianne admits in confessional that it’s a bit much. I’m sort of inclined to agree. Kristian, sweetie, chill.

Meanwhile, Luke and Christina arrive in Las Vegas and I’m jealous because I’ve been pricing fall trips to Vegas for my husband and I but have yet to pull the trigger as it seems so irresponsible given the economy and — sorry, digression. Christina rambles on about dinner and doesn’t make a huge amount of sense until she starts talking about finding out some cat she was dating was cheating on her. Which sucks, yes, but it’s unlikely his cheating has anything to do with her being a fatass, as cheaters tend to cheat mostly for the thrill of cheating. Christina says she’s comfortable with Luke because she trusts that he would never do anything like that to her. I have two issues with this: a) how does she know that? and b) cue up the angst over the fact that while it’s not technically cheating, Luke IS dating like fourteen other women right now. Seems like a recipe for paaaaaiiiinnnn to me.

Back at the house, the laydeez bitch about Christina in her absence. Lauren is trifling and Bonnie calls Christina “smelly”. Really. Bonnie, dude, WE NEED TO WORK ON YOUR INSULTS.

Back in Vegas, Luke and Christina are in a private suite and there is sort of no way I believe they did not have sex. I guess they didn’t. What is the point of a private suite in Vegas if there is no sex involved? Evidently they just hang out on the suite’s private couch and talk and make out a bit. What a waste of a hotel room. Eventually Luke’s all “the jet awaits us” and they leave. Wait, where is the debauchery? I DEMAND DEBAUCHERY!

Back at the mansion, for the third time: LUKEMAIL WOOO!

Group date number two is lined up and the laydeez are told to bring their swimsuits, and here comes the angst parade. Melissa is freaking out and crying almost immediately. As soon as they arrive at the pool, Luke says “I wanted all the girls to feel really comfortable” and so he wisely instructs them to start drinking. I will stop short of suggesting that Luke has employed this method before in efforts to encourage fat ladies to disrobe. Melissa is seriously crying in confessional now. After a few drinks, the laydeez cautiously start to undress – unsurprisingly the smallest laydeez are the first to hit the pool and seem pretty unconcerned doing so, possibly because given the fatsassery present they feel svelte in comparison (and, truly, some LOOK svelte in comparison). Melissa, impressively, is among the first to take off her shorts, and the camera helpfully zooms in on her thighs. Thanks, camera guy. That’s not insultingly reminiscent of the headless fatties used on TV news stories about the hazards of “obesity”. Oh, and he does it again! It might be too much to hope that Melissa notices and cockpunches that guy, but a girl can dream. Eventually Luke takes off his shirt and jumps in the pool and few times and that seems to break the ice for the few remaining fully-clothed laydeez. Clip below.

Back at the hippo ranch, Kristian wants to check out Luke’s living space, as he seems to be residing in the mansion’s guest house. Kristian says she wants to leave him a note, and Bonnie snarks, “Oh please, leave him a creepy ‘I was in your house’ note… Please, it’ll add to your intensity.” If Bonnie were eviller, she’d try to encourage Kristian’s puppy love more genuinely to get her kicked off sooner, but apparently that’s not her way.

Returning to group date number two, Luke calls Lauren “the aggressor” which gets a hearty laugh out of me. I would call her “the shrill harpy” but you say tomato, I say tomato. Luke sits on a raft and Lauren blares, “Do you need a motor with your boat?” and given the cleavage represented between these women I am inclined to crack up like a twelve-year-old. What Lauren really means is, does Luke want her to push his raft around, and at some point in this episode her voice became unbearably like a knife on a plate to me.

Luke has picked up on Melissa’s insecurity (while it’d be nice to give him points for this as a show of sensitivity, how could he NOT?) so he wants to pull her aside for one-on-one time first to “make her feel special”. Why is it that these one-on-one periods often come across like perverse therapy sessions? They chat, Luke asks her about her fat pain, she answers, they kiss, the end.

Lauren, whom I am dubbing The Trifler, is next. She goes on, and on, and on about how similar she and Luke are, and I think she says “silanthropy” at one point when she means “philanthropy”, and of course this is hilarious to me. While Lauren says she can be herself with Luke, she sure seems like she’s self-consciously trying to say the right things to win him over and is making me really annoyed. Arianne sees the two of them making out and says in confessional that they seem to have a “connection”, and then she starts laughing. And laughing. And then she says Lauren strikes her as “someone who’s really young and doesn’t know what she’s talking about”. YOU AND ME BOTH, HONEY. Arianne chills on some cushions and is wearing a bikini. Maaaaad love to Arianne for the bikini. Arianne, why are you here? Why aren’t you onstage in a top hat at Carnegie Hall singing “The Trolley Song”? Clip below.

Back to the mansion for everyone. ELIMINATION SOON, DUN DUN DUNNN.

Champagne! More cocktail dresses! They’re having a “mixer” (really? why not a box social?) so they all get some more one-on-one time with Luke. Bonnie asks what Luke’s mother would think if he brought her home, and Luke says his mother’s opinion is important, sure, but ultimately he’s “a grown man” and makes his own decisions (my husband instantly says “BAD QUESTION!”). Bonnie is so cute and is easily one of the better-looking laydeez but I’m still not sure what to make of her in this show (given that this show is editing to create “characters” and not to portray three-dimensional beings). Luke says Bonnie’s teaching him you can’t judge a book by its cover. Shouldn’t “AH LOVE TEH BIG WIMMENS!”-Luke have known that already?

Kristian is, again, going ON and ON about how amazing Luke is. But she’s now doing this TO LUKE. The discomfort on Luke’s face is vividly rendered and he says she needs to stop lest he start blushing. Poor Kristian doesn’t even realize; she is just so over the moon and lacks the guile or prior experience to know when to play it cool. I hope she sticks around but I don’t know if Luke’s yet fed up with her starry-eyed open-heartedness. By the time their one-on-one time wraps up, I swear Kristian has little cartoon hearts and flowers rotating around her head. YOU CAN SEE THEM. In confessional, Luke basically implies Kristian may be stuck in the friend zone. Ouch.

Elsewhere, Malissa, predictably, is excited for elimination because she’s ever so happy to see who gets cut. Yawn.

Heather is encouched with Luke and apologizing again for being sick during the yacht trip. Luke says it showed him something about her, that she’s really here “to find real love”. Huh, because real love means being willing to suffer profound nausea and putting on a brave face for the dude you’re trying to impress? I thought real love was the guy who holds your hair for you while you vomit and then goes out at four AM to three different convenience stores in search of ginger ale, but what do I know? Heather is crying again. Luke kisses her and they make out a little bit, probably to compensate for the lack of makeout during the yacht-date since kissing post vomiting is not so sexy, at least not on this type of show.

Meanwhile, Kristian tells Malissa, semi-playfully, that she hopes she’s going home, since she’s her biggest competition. Malissa actually seems pleased by this.

And now Lauren and Luke are encouched on their own, and Lauren is saying to Luke, “Don’t you want the scoop on anybody?” to assist with Luke’s decision-making process. Luke says he doesn’t particularly want “the scoop” but it seems like she really wants to share, so he encourages her to “get it off your chest”. Lauren doesn’t even hesitate. She starts with Arianne and discloses that Arianne “doesn’t want kids, so if kids are important to you….” and lets the suggestion trail off. First, this may or may not be true and Luke’s kind of an idiot if he takes Lauren’s word about any of the other laydeez. Second, even given my dislike of Lauren as a character thus far, I am pretty blown away by her candid attempts to !!!sabotage!!! the other laydeez. Luke, whose face is basically a big lump of flesh and not particularly expressive, is pretty much unreadable at this revelation. I have finally figured out that Luke reminds me of a fat Keanu Reeves: they both have the same cadence and the same lack of expression. Then Lauren says, with an extreme measure of awkwardness, that Arianne is “old enough to be [Luke’s] mom”, awkward laughter, hunh hunh hunh. Apparently Lauren can’t do math, as well as being a giant bitch, since it’s pretty damn unlikely that an eleven-year-old Arianne could have mothered Luke. She then moves on to Venessa and asks “Do you know how old SHE is?” Luke says, yeah, she’s 32, and Lauren responds, “Well, are you into OLDER women?” Luke says he was fine with it, and Lauren goes on to say that “but you know that OLDER women aren’t as exciting, they’re like past the stage where they want to go bungee-jumping and swimming all the time”.

Yeah, I’ll let that sink in for a minute. In fact, for my US-based readers, here’s the clip.

…

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And now I’ll share my reactions. I really make efforts to give folks on reality TV the benefit of the doubt – I know creative editing happens, and I know the producers typically have a story in mind that they’d like to tell and fit the resulting footage to that story rather than letting the events take their course. And sometimes this happens at the expense of the “real people” under the characters being portrayed for the show. But this isn’t a question of manipulative editing. Lauren said this, and thus it’s hard to argue that she hasn’t portrayed herself as a pathetic, insecure, small person, and I would add that she’s never going to be successful in finding a healthy and fulfilling relationship until she gets the fuck over her petty and ugly impulses like the one that inspired her above.

That’s my thoughtful reaction. My reaction as a 32-year-old woman myself is: Lauren, go fuck yourself. I am glad this is on film so when you hit your thirties you can look back and see in vivid high-definition what a giant douche you were.

That may be harsh, but wow, did that exchange ever leave me feeling grossed out. Arianne, how about you chow down on a triceratops and give us a merry round of “High Hopes” to wash that taste out of our collective mouth?

Emme, still in flip flops, calls everyone into the laydee-stacking room and recollects the rings again. Elimination time! Cue the sad music. Three layeez are getting the axe. Luke gives a boring speech about finding the right laydee for him.

Mandy’s first. Anna’s next. Kristian looks like a deer in the headlights right now, as she stands in the back row. Seriously. Malissa is confident and thinks she’ll wind up with Luke in the end, based on the like twenty minutes they’ve spent together. She gets called next.

Christina thinks she’s falling for Luke and so it’s a good thing she gets a ring too. Bonnie is next on the ring toss. Melissa is crying in confessional about wanting to be with someone who’s not embarrassed to go out in public with her. Heather gets a ring. Luke keeps Lauren, and immediately my already-low estimation of Luke gets lower. Tali gets on the ring train. Kristian is going to collapse at any moment. Melissa gets a ring. Emme reappears to let everyone know there’s only one ring left. Thanks, Emme. Way to earn your paycheck. Kristian cries in confessional about how bad she wants it. She gets the last ring.

Which means Luke has cut Arianne, Venessa, and Magali. It’s true. Both of the OLDER women called out by Lauren get cut. The axed laydeez all cry on their way out. Venessa takes the high road and talks about how great the laydeez are and how awesome it was to meet all these women who are smart and comfortable in their bodies. Arianne cries that she’s going to find someone who appreciates her as she is, without expecting her to change, and that she believes there’s nothing wrong with her. Arianne, sweetpea, you deserve better than this stupid ass show. You just need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. The hell of it is, if Luke honestly wanted to find a confident, self-accepting, well-adjusted fat woman to date, I could almost believe this show, because finding a woman like that can indeed be a challenge. But he doesn’t. It would seem Luke wants a sad, insecure fat woman who is prone to crying jags and/or backstabbing. Which, honestly, he could find just about anywhere.

The show ends with the compulsory group hug, which blights all group hugs everywhere in my eyes. Until next week, when we have a fatty-prom redux, and more crying.

[Note to the non-US-dwelling among you: I am still investigating options for international-friendly video sources. Thanks for your patience.]

Fire up the circus-calliope music and make sure that cheeseburger’s extra-greasy for its closeup: it’s the long-awaited/dreaded premiere of More to Love. The show begins with a long montage of what we can expect of this series. Namely, crying, jealousy, crying, extravagant dates, crying, despair, crying, and at least one beating of another contestant with a bunch of flowers.

We meet Luke, sitting in his office, wearing a polo and looking vaguely tanned and Californian, in a fat way. He makes six figures and enjoys “voluptuous curvy women.” What’s that? You don’t care for the phrase? Well get used to it suckers, we’re going to hear it a lot over the next few weeks. Luke was often teased about his weight and embarrassed as a kid, though eventually he took up football and got over all that (gaining the ability and opportunity to pound his bullies into a bloody stain in the mud probably helped; I can only hope one of the yet-to-be-revealed “girls” can offer a similar experience).

There are a few notable things about Luke. For one, he doesn’t say fat. Rather, he says he is “a man of large stature”, as though he’s the fucking Lincoln Memorial. In other news, Luke grills and eats hamburgers! In closeup, even. He also seems to have a very cute dog, unless the dog belongs to one of the friends for whom he is unselfconsciously grilling burgers whilst surrounded by camera and sound folks. In Luke’s plus column are his observations that he explicitly doesn’t want a woman who diets. The positive or negative of his apparent love of thoughtfully staring into the sunset is yet to be determined. Or else maybe a producer told him to do that so they could intercut shots of Luke’s thoughtful sunset-staring into Luke’s slightly vague descriptions of what kind of woman he wants (she has to “carry herself” in a certain way, though the way is not specified – Luke is a Man of Mystery!).

But enough sunsets! Night has fallen, and we’re outside the Bel Air mansion where this catastrophe is going to take place. Emme’s there too, in a shimmery one-shoulder cocktail dress and what appear to be Reef flip-flops. I am struggling not to sneer all judgmental-like over her odd choice of footwear; maybe she’s got a sprained ankle or her plantar fasciitis is acting up, but then Tyra Banks told me that models just have to suffer mightily for their modelly art, so who knows. Emme meets with Luke, who looks for a moment like he’s going to hit on her, but he’s cut off when Emme asks him to elucidate, again, what he’s looking for in a “girl”, and he says it’s in “how she carries herself and who she is as a person.” As opposed to who she is as a tree sloth? Or who she is as a flesh-eating disease?

The “girls” – whom I am henceforth dubbing the laydeez because every time I type “girls” about a group of women all of whom are over 20 I break out in hives – are about to arrive in a series of limousines. Fancy! As each girl exits the car, the camera does a quick pan-up from her feet as she steps out, over her girth (or lack thereof), and finally to her face, which is usually smiling in a brittle, nervous, or terrified way. I am not sure if the bottom-up pan is for maximum lechery or maximum LOOK LOOK SHE’S FAAAAAAT effect. I suppose it doesn’t matter.

As Luke meets each laydee, they either shake hands, hug, or kiss each other on the cheek, or all of the above, depending on her perogative, and there’s a piece of her pre-meeting interview cut into the encounter, over which her name, age, occupation, height, and weight are listed. Oh my friends, I am not joking about this, and I don’t altogether think it’s a bad thing, considering it’s an illuminating study on how different weights look different on different people. Ultimately, though, the intended purpose of these stats (which are repeated every time a laydee has a piece of an earlier interview cut into the show) is for people to either gawk at them, or possibly to make watching this show a bit like bidding on livestock: you want to know what you’re getting, I suppose, in the absence of being able to check the horse’s mouth for yourself.

First up is Malissa, who irritates me immediately with the spelling of her name. Then my irritation is compounded by Malissa asserting that doesn’t ever use the word fat, and that she prefers “big boned.” She says this with a straight face so I am led to believe that she means it, though it seems impossible that anyone could ever prefer “big boned” over all the scads of annoying euphemisms for fat that we have at our disposal. OH MALISSA, let me get you a properly-spelled name and a stack of pamphlets.

Next is Christina, who wants to be fifty pounds lighter and resents her skinny friends. We are going to hear a lot about skinny friends in the next few minutes, folks, so settle in. Christina asks Luke if he likes her dress, which gives him the idea to tell the next girl that he likes her dress. THIS SHOW WRITES ITSELF. Heather is a little awkward, but in an endearing way, and she readily joins the other girls talking about how hot Luke is. Bonnie, tattooed, tall, with excellent hair and a hot dress that suits her, wants to shock Luke with her “wifey/mom” skills – much of Bonnie’s wifey-mom aspirations will be made by close readers, I’m sure. Of everyone we’ve met so far – including Luke and Emme – Bonnie seems to me most like a real person, insofar as seeming self-assured and unworried from the first moment of her reveal. I suspect Bonnie is in this just for the adventure. She’s also wearing fishnets. Points to Bonnie. Amanda’s 22 and has never had a boyfriend; I can kind of sympathize with her, because she has clearly made this into a huge source of pressure on herself, but still, SHE’S 22. You’d be surprised how many perfectly-lovely people have never had a long-term relationship at 22. Michelle immediately comes across as genuine and self-accepting, even as she’s wobbling and weeping in interview. She speaks the closest to fat-positive words we’ve heard so far when she talks about not dieting and her decision that “I’m going to buy the clothes that fit me now and enjoy life.” Michelle, dear little baby fatling, I’d love to reach through the TV and hand you a card with my email address on it and set a date to go shopping.

Sliding out of the next limo is Anna, who is SUPER TALL, like amazon-warrior tall, and it’s outstanding. Luke pointedly watches her ass as she walks away. Tall girls for the win. Next comes Natasha, and the literal first words out of her mouth are: “I’m a rocket scientist!” Oh Natasha, you’ve spent too many hours talking physics with the nerds you work with if you think a guy like Luke is going to like the idea of you being about a billion times smarter than he is. Unsurprisingly, Luke’s instant reaction is, “That’s intimidating!” If Natasha’s aim was to test Luke with her brainy revelation, then I hope she takes his reaction to heart. Lauren is next, and despite her relaxed appearance she is also referencing the difficulties of manhunting at clubs with naught but skinny friends (folks, haven’t we learned yet that the bar scene is not the best place to meet a long-term significant other?). My husband likes her best, for what that’s worth. Venessa follows and comes across as an uneven amalgam of blustery self-assuredness barely masking feverish excitement and nerves. Oh, she’s a lawyer! That explains it. Venessa is the woman in the omnipresent previews who asks Luke what kind of girl he likes, to which he replies (natch) “I like THIS kind of girl!” Luke, you clever bastard.

We cut over to check on the pile o’ laydeez assembling in the laydee-waiting room. They’re all aflutter over Luke’s eyes! His eyes! OMG YOU GUYS DID YOU SEE HIS EYES?

Meanwhile, Luke is meeting Melissa, who spells her name properly, and is complimenting her on HER eyes at apparently the same moment that the prior stack of laydeez are squealing over his. OMG YOU GUYS IT’S LIKE THEY’RE ALL CONNECTED TO LUKE AND MADE HIM THINK ABOUT EYES! The popping-out-of-the-limo meetings continue (this is TOTALLY how I met MY husband). Danielle has been on three dates her whole life. Mandy wants to teach Luke to salsa. No, really, right fucking now. They spend a few seconds shaking hips. Turns out Mandy’s a fitness trainer as well as a marginal fatty, and she observes, “A lot of people definitely take care of themselves and they just don’t happen to be a size four.” Points to Mandy. Next is Tali, easily the classiest dame yet, who seems totally relaxed. Also, gorgeous. Kristian’s awkwardness would be adorable if she didn’t rank on “skinny bitches” and proceed to reference her “junk in the trunk” like it’s 1995. I checked Urban Dictionary for giggles and found that “junk in the trunk” is defined there as “1. having a prodigious butt, a little more than badonkadonk but less extreme than having an SUV in the pants” which I admit made me laugh for a very long time.

Kristian is one of very few possible women of color present, and the only one I feel comfortable identifying straight out. She may, in fact, be biracial, but the point here is that the overwhelming majority of the laydeez are white, white, white, which is confounding in light of the far more diverse “behind the scenes” casting clips on Fox’s website. There are many possible reasons behind this – for example, producers wanting to reach a certain audience, sponsors wanting to reach a certain audience, a stated discomfort on the part of the side of beef (that’d be Luke) with interracial relationships – but these are all just possibilities and not known facts, so I am uncomfortable pointing fingers at anyone in particular at this time. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that the minimal diversity was a glaring defect of this show for me right away.

We are not lacking in age diversity, at least. Arianne – who, at 37, is eleven years’ Luke’s senior – is our most aged filly thus far, but also seems to evoke the relative collectedness that often comes from having life experience past one’s senior year of college. More skinny-friend trauma from Arianne. On the up side, Arianne’s profession is listed as “cabaret entertainer” which means I instantly love her and want to make a request. Let’s start with “Love Me or Leave Me”! Blonde Iowan Sandy was raised on a farm and says she wants to teach Luke to milk a cow, and this is evidently NOT a euphemism for something else as I originally thought. Luke says he’s eager to learn, and I almost believe him, though he might be thinking it’s a euphemism too. Next, Shari is wearing a fabulous maxi dress that distracts me from anything else she says. Luke likes it as well. Well, Luke, possibly there are some things we can agree on. I like Shari and her refreshingly normal, unbotoxed forehead, though I am wondering why these mid-thirties broads are on this show. You women can do better! You don’t need to be Luke’s laydee. Magali calls Luke a teddy bear and fat guys nationwide cringe, but Luke doesn’t mind. Magali interviews that she’s been dumped for being fat, which is disgusting any way you slice it. Natalia likes to cook and thus begins the first vomit-inducing exchange of this episode. She asks Luke for his favorite food, so that she can cook it for him someday. Luke barely hesitates before answering “Oh, anything thick and juicy.” ONE MILLION VOM POINTS FOR THIS. Henceforth I am going to require a special More to Love-branded upchuck bucket near the couch for when these situations sneak up on me. But then there is more CRYING and ETERNAL LONELINESS and my nausea subsides.

So the laydeez have been met. Luke, who strikes me as sort of a dullard, though maybe a good-hearted dullard, comes to join the laydeez in the laydee-stacking room, and then gives a short indubitably-producer-supplied speech about thinking they’re all beautiful on the outside and wanting to “connect” with them individually. I guess that’s what the kids are calling it today. And now he’s going to hand out diamond rings to signify that he’s “opening his heart” and promising to get to know them all and accept them for who they are on the inside and maybe to fall in love (or at least hook up a whole lot) with one or more laydeez, offer void in Texas, consult your local dealership. Oh, rings! How long til someone starts talking about weddings? Natalia “felt it in [her] heart” when Luke gave her the ring, and she hopes he did too. Melissa felt so good when Luke gave her the ring, and is amazed he’ll give her a chance even though she’s fat. Maybe Melissa didn’t really follow the mandate of the show? It’s pretty clear that most of the laydeez have never received the gift of ice from a boy before, so they’re a little overcome. Bonnie & her fishnets is standing with her arm around another laydee’s shoulders, and makes a slightly snarky comment about how Luke is her boyfriend now since he gave her a ring. Dear Bonnie, I think I love you, please stick around and be the house bitch.

And we have WEDDING TALK liftoff – a few laydeez are already discussing Luke’s inevitable proposal. DAMN, laydeez. You just met. At least take a few minutes to check out the facilities before you sign the contract.

At this point, Luke starts making the rounds to give each laydee some individual fat-on-fat attention. Kristian sits beside Luke on a couch and mentions she was with a guy who she feels was embarrassed of her size and being seen with her. Luke rightly says he didn’t deserve her, in fact Luke’s saying so many of the right things I am growing ever more suspicious of him. As if to answer my concerns, Luke observes that he wants to make everyone comfortable, and that he’s had his heart broken because of his size so he can relate. I still can’t decide if he’s smarmy or genuine. See the clip below.

In a laydee-group, Luke elaborates on his previous vague answer to the question burning in everyone’s mind – WHAT DOES HE LIKE TO EAT? Luke’s favorite meal is actually steak and potatoes. Seriously. This is the point where if I were in the room I would have narrowed my eyes and inquired, “Ah, but how do you like your steak cooked?” Anything above medium rare and Luke just doesn’t understand the good things in life. Actually, the truth is that if I were in the room I probably would have castrated Luke using only the power of my mind after the original “thick and juicy” comment so it’s probably best that I am on my couch at home instead. Luke also likes apple pie. In voiceover, Luke also says that every girl here is exactly his type. Luke, you are so lucky that my mental castration powers don’t work through the television.

Let the trifling begin: Luke asks one laydee to dance, and another tries to cut in, while Luke is somewhat befuddled. Points to him for not immediately dumping the broad he was attempting to romance, but it’s still a weird exchange and I’m wondering if this isn’t a harbinger of things to come. I am willing to bet that a fair number of the laydeez take this experience not as an opportunity to bond with other fat women who get them, but as a chance to reproduce the catty competitiveness to which they’ve mostly been outside observers as their oft-cited “skinny friends” jockey for attention from a particular hot guy at the bar. Arguably, many of these women have never before felt like they could offer any competition when compared with their smaller female friends, but here they are faced with a dude who isn’t just overlooking their size, but who actually purports to LIKE non-skinny women, and guys like Luke are apparently rare as rainbow-pooping unicorns in the dating scene, so I anticipate the aggressiveness will only ramp up as the episodes progress.

Luke proceeds to recline on yet another bed-sized couch, with a laydee on each side, both of whom immediately skooch closer to him (while slightly self-consciously making sure their thighs-upward are covered – this is being filmed at crotch-level in parts) as he puts his arms around them. After a second or two of flirting, Anna kisses him; Lauren, on Luke’s other side, interviews that she finds Anna’s assertive kiss-giving “intimidating”, and she’s still worried about looking fat. Lauren, maybe there’s nothing wrong with you for not being so hip to the prospect of kissing a dude you met only an hour ago, and maybe Luke’s just being kind of a skeevy self-styled mack daddy.

Melissa, sitting on a chaise (trying to come up with synonyms for “couch” here) with Luke, confesses she’s never been on a date. Apparently she’s always scared it’s going to be a joke and she’ll be humiliated. Oh Melissa. Let me give you a big mental hug. Luke tells her she’s beautiful, holds her hand, and when she complains of cold, he gives her his jacket, which causes Melissa’s head to just about explode with sheer joy. One magical thing about this show, even though it comes at the expense of so much CRYING and WOE, is little moments like this, in which you can see a fragile, insecure fat woman get romantic attention from a man and the unbelieveable exhilaration they get from the experience. This is not to say that Finding A Man will solve any of these women’s problems with insecurity or self-doubt, but even just getting a tiny bit of reassurance that yes, there are dudes out there who will dig you no matter your size, is huge. I like Melissa and as sad as this comment is, she hits it on the head when she says in voiceover, “This is my one chance to feel like I can be loved.” It’s not your ONLY chance, honey, but it might be your first. Also, you’re 21! Melissa also says of the process of putting herself out there, “I’m scared… but I have a new confidence.” Aww.

We cut over to a few laydeez who are impatient over not being flirted with rapidly enough. So Danielle jumps in the pool, cocktail dress and all. Even slow-talking super-chill Luke, currently a-courting another lady on yet another couch (how many couches are there in this joint?) looks confused when she starts calling for him to join her: “Luuuuke! Come in the pool, it’s lukewarm!” DANIELLE, NO! PUNS = AUTOMATIC ELIMINATION.

Luke, and pretty much everyone else, meanders over to the pool to check out the commotion. He unconvincingly threatens to jump in as well, but thinks better of it when the other girls don’t seem so impressed with Danielle’s antics. Also, have you priced big and tall men’s suits lately? Not cheap. Danielle, floating in the pool and fiddling with her sodden dress, says she wishes she had bubbles in there, and Bonnie instantly retorts “You know what you probably wish you had in there? A swimsuit.” Bonnie’s not impressed and thinks Danielle’s big splash (SEE? SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU RELEASE THE PUNS?) was rude and silly, and then snarks to the other girls that Danielle looked like an otter, which she clearly meant as a slam but, really, this not the most cutting water-dwelling mammal insult I could think of, since otters are pretty cute.

Fox would have us believe that everybody’s getting drunk. Surprise! Luke, who may or may not be under the influence, slightly slurs, “I’m just in my element, just surrounded by a sea of big curvy beautiful women.” After hugging a few laydeez he also says “That’s a Luke sandwich.” If I had that MtL-branded upchuck bucket I’d be putting it over my head right about now (assuming it was empty).

But dun dun dunnnn, turns out Luke has to cut five laydeez by the end of the night. I’m all for it, as keeping all these chicks straight is quite a challenge for me.

The rocket scientist gets her turn to sit on a totally new couch (sofa? davenport? settee?) with Luke, and is concerned she’s going to get cut because she’s a rocket scientist. Luke reassures her in the least reassuring way possible. Oddly, Luke seems most drawn to the women who are the most fragile, which probably speaks to my discomfort with him. Any guy who prefers women to be insecure and unsure of themselves? That’s a red flag for me, not because it’s not possible that Luke honestly wants to help these broads, but because I don’t fully trust him with that task.

Lauren’s also worried about being cut, as she shares with some other laydeez, and she’s been looking for love for 26 years. Given that Lauren is 26 years old, that’s since birth, y’all. She got started early. Or else she’s a daughter of the gods, who sprung fully-grown from her father’s forehead after he swallowed her pregnant mother. (The classical mythology jokes, do they hit with people anymore?)

Danielle is still swimming and chatting with two other ladies (all about Luke, of course – this show’s whole run will never once pass the Bechdel test, mark me) and when she kicks back away from the side of the pool, her dress floats up underwater and ever so briefly reveal her underpants and WE HAVE ROLLS, FOLKS. IT’S A FAT ROLLY BELLY ON NATIONAL TV AND OH SHIT IS THAT AWESOME. Michelle says “I think I saw your underwear,” – NO YOU SAW ROLLLLLLLSSSS!!!!!! – and she and her blonde couchsitting companion mention they’re both wearing Spanx, which leads to nods, knowing glances and a high five (over Spanx? really? Solidarity in your sausagey discomfort, laydeez! Sadly this is what so many fat women bond over; we bond over Spanx.) It is worth noting that Danielle is NOT wearing Spanx and so she gets points from me in spite of the pool-jumping shenanigans. Meanwhile, Michelle interviews that this whole experience is amazing to be a part of – what with Luke openly saying he likes big women on national TV, and the women coming out “and saying we’re sexy and smart and attractive, and that’s awesome.” Michelle, way to take the long view. I dig you! The clip is below.

We go back to Luke, who’s sitting with Malissa on couch #7263549C, and she tells him that she’s been studying French in France (of all places!) but she knows more Spanish than anything else. Luke practically interrupts to LEAP upon this golden opportunity and asks her how to say “kiss” in Spanish. Malissa responds with a word that sounds like bay-su, and which Google informs me is spelled beso. If you can’t see where this is going, then you don’t know men who know how to exploit a woman in an awkward semi-public situation. Mispronouncing the word, the oafish Luke basically demands she kiss him, and she obliges after laughing nervously at the request. In the moment before she goes in for the lips, I swear, if the the word AWKWAAAAAARRRD was in the dictionary, her face right now would be illustrating it. And then, Luke suddenly gets really unlikeable, when he oh-so-casually mentions that he has to cut some laydeez tonight and TOTALLY UNRELATED but maybe she should kiss him again. She does, and I am caught between wanting to throw up and wanting to punch Luke in his smug face.

Socialization time is over, and the laydeez reassemble in the laydee-stacking room where they first got their rings. Emme’s back! And she wants the rings Luke just gave them! The laydeez are devastated. You’d think Emme had handed them all kittens and then told them they would have to be euthanized. The laydeez are supposed to put the rings in a big random bowl, and later Luke will return rings to only fifteen of the assembled twenty. OH, this is like the part of the state fair livestock competition where the judges narrow down the field slowly before they select the prize pig! Awesome. Many laydeez are anxious – nay, distraught – about returning these rings, since they only just got the damn things and is Fox really going to reuse them or what?

Luke gives the usual “I have a tough decision to make!” speech which is standard to pretty much every show like this, then leaves to, I don’t know, think about it.

The remaining laydeez sit wringing their hands and worrying. The difference between the women on More to Love and the women on pretty much any other elimination-driven dating-themed reality show is that these women are so fragile. They are brittle and vulnerable and easily hurt. Many of these women are so emotionally delicate that simply looking at them the wrong way could cause them to shatter. A majority, it would seem, really think Luke is the greatest, though sadly, it’s not because Luke is so great. It’s because for some of the assembled, Luke is the first guy they’ve met who isn’t candidly and outspokenly put off by their size, but who is instead attracted to it. In many cases, Luke may be the first guy who’s not their dad to tell these women that they’re beautiful. And they’re not willing to let that fantasy go, not yet – Fox, you evil bastards, please don’t tear that hope away from them just yet; give them another day to feel what it’s like to have someone want you just as you are, without judging, without resentment, without baggage. That kind of perfect relationship is a ultimately a fantasy and maybe only half of them know that but let them keep it anyway, just for a little while longer, so when they leave and go back to their regular lives, they can remember that if there was one guy who found them beautiful and desireable just as they are, then surely there are more, they just need to take some risks, learn to handle disappointment, put their hearts out there and trust that if they’re broken they will survive.

But no.

Luke returns to deliver the verdict. He tells them, yet again, how beautiful they all are before moving on to the ring-bestowing. The ritual of the ring-toss runs like this: Luke says, “Will you wear this ring?” and the laydee in question answers in the affirmative (presumably). Then, occasionally, Luke says “All right” sort of half-aloud, and it sounds vaguely like Quagmire from Family Guy, such that my husband at this point takes to repeating “Giggity” and “All right!” in Quagmire-voice after each laydee takes her jewelry back.

Anna gets a ring. Malissa’s unenthusiastic “Spanish” kissing paid off, as she gets one too. As does Magali, Heather, Mandy, Amanda, Venessa, Tali, Lauren, Bonnie, Kristina, and Danielle, whom Luke calls “Dani”.

In interview, Melissa is crying again, desperate to be chosen, and she says she hopes that fate has brought them together (to which my husband quips, “Fate, and television producers.”).

We’re down to the last three rings. Cabaret-performing dinosaur Arianne gets one. YES! Now do “Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart”! Sweetly terrified Kristian gets one. Now Emme reappears, apropos of nothing, to announce the stunningly obvious – THERE’S ONLY ONE RING LEFT IN THE BOX! Why’d she leave, anyway? Was she in the loo?

More importantly, who gets the last ring? PICK MICHELLE, who is sobbing and heartbroken in the interview cuts! Give us more than one episode with some actual fat-positivity in it!

Nope, it’s Melissa. Which means this episode ends with Natasha the rocket scientist (who ought to find herself a nice nerd boy) and Shari in her awesome maxi both going home, as well as two blondes, Natalia and Sandy. Michelle – also blonde, now that I think about it – and her fledgling FA principles are gone too. Bye, rejected fatties! Michelle, drop me an email sometime, okay?

Until next week.