Two Whole Cakes

Last week: there was good-wife/bad-wife judgyness, Kristian cried, laydeez were JELLIS, Mandy did something to Luke’s heart, and Malissa did something to another part of Luke’s anatomy. Overall, I feel the prior episode contained altogether too many allusions to Luke’s meat thermometer, and by this I mean his penis. I don’t want to think about Luke’s penis anymore, folks. In fact I wouldn’t mind forgetting it exists altogether.

Of course, we begin the episode in the kitchen, where the laydeez line up at the trough to gorge themselves on an hourly basis. Kristian is talking about eating nothing but waffles since their second day here. CUE CLOSEUP ON THE STACK OF WAFFLES. CAN WE GET A PA IN HERE WITH MORE BUTTER? MAYBE SLATHER SOME ON KRISTIAN’S FACE AND GET A SHOT OF THAT TOO. ALRIGHT WE’RE GOOD. I totally suspect there is a production assistant on this show who is exclusively responsible for smearing butter on things.

LUKEMAIL, woo. Kristian and Mandy are going dancing with the Lukenator. Kristian jumps up and down and jiggles like the proverbial bowl full of jelly. It’s totally cute. In confessional, Luke says he thinks Kristian and Mandy are the two best dancers in the house. The note says something about a tango, but they’re actually getting salsa lessons. SEMANTICS, am I right? As they enter the dancing facility, Luke says he can’t wait to see what kind of moves they have, and Kristian says “I’ve got moves you’ve never seen.” Hee! I want to pinch Kristian’s cheeks and buy her an ice cream. Shortly the dance instructors appear. They are both slender, probably because they live in LA. In confessional, Kristian admires the lady instructor’s legs, and says her jiggliness makes her look like two pigs fighting under a blanket, however she also asserts that “dancing wasn’t just made for thin people, hello!” Kristian thinks you need some ass to dance. Awwww yeah. The lessons begin, and Mandy confessions that it’s “hard” to have a date with another woman along; she says Kristian was loving every minute of dancing with Luke and “couldn’t wipe the smile off her face.” Of their dance-time, however, Mandy also says she and Luke “were connecting on every level; everything was like perfect.” I don’t think Luke has that many levels, so that may be less impressive than it sounds. I’m guessing he has two. Maybe three, if “hungry” counts as a level.

Back at the laydee farm, the laydeez decide to make Luke cupcakes, which they will leave for him to find when he gets back from his date. Clearly, the laydeez are compelled to make cupcakes because they’re fat. And fat people make cupcakes. It’s what we do. Like baby sea turtles instinctively seeking out the ocean after hatching, cupcake-preparation is our deepest instinct, so inherent to our being that we are barely aware of its influence. Deep in the genetic memory of every fat woman there is an ingrained knowledge of cupcake-making, going back to our early fat ancestors, who baked cupcakes made of rocks over a fire in a cave. Cupcakes are a critical part of the rich legacy of the Fat Race; nay, cupcakes are the very axis on which the world of the Fat turns! So it has always been and so it will continue to be. Fat people & cupcakes are a partnership older than TIME ITSELF.

The laydeez deliver the cupcakes with some ridiculous glitter-strewn handmade cards and leave them on a table outside Luke’s abode. I am momentarily distracted thinking, um, what if it rains (someone left the cupcakes out in the rainnnnn…)? Then I remember they’re in LA.

Dance lessons complete, it’s one-on-one time. Luke decides to go with Kristian first. Mandy confessions that Luke’s picking Kristian first “is telling” of Luke’s interest in Kristian. Actually I’d think it was the other way around, but then I’m a delayed-gratification kind of girl. Mandy feels herself falling for Luke, blah blah blah.

Whilst seated for the talking portion of their date, Luke says to Kristian: “I think that the biggest mistake a man can make in a relationship is not appreciating his lady enough.” I can think of some bigger mistakes, actually. Like, say, beating her up, threatening her childen, or burning her house down. Or exploting her insecurity to keep her trapped in a relationship with you. Luke and Kristian revisit the dance floor and in spite of all her damn crying, Kristian seems fairly comfortable shaking her jiggly bits with Luke. I maintain that Kristian is being unfairly edited to look extra-crazy when really she’s only marginally crazy. She confessions that Luke “loves me for every curve on my body; he loves me for me!” I’m not sure he loves you at all, dear, but again with the semantics. Kristian also confessions that she’s like totally really for real in love with Luke and is like constantly doodling his name on her Trapper Keeper and hatching plans to cross paths with him on the way to fourth-period chemistry.

Mandy comes around the corner just in time to see Luke and Kristian embarking on a trip down Makeout Lane. Mandy, of course, blanches and bolts for the bathroom. Luke, who may or may not have ever had contact with a real living three-dimensional human female before, wisely takes this opportunity to go pound on the bathroom door and inquire after Mandy’s wellness. Because what every woman wants whilst sobbing, heartbroken, in a public restroom is for the source of her pain to invade her privacy and demand she confirm or deny her relative okay-ness. (Husband observes to me, “This is why Luke is single” and swears Luke is stifling a smirk when he first knocks on the door; after many rewinds via the magic of DVR, I think he’s right.) Luke doesn’t seem to get an answer; hell, for all we know Mandy may not even be in there anymore and this was staged later. Clip below.

I don’t know if Luke’s actions here are supposed to be romantic, or what. What, show? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL HERE? All I’m getting on my own is a powerful urge to punch Luke in the groin as hard as I possibly can. In confession, Mandy says she doesn’t “feel very special right now.” Well, I don’t feel very not-nauseous right now but we’ll both have to cope. She thinks Luke is more interested in Kristian than in her. Self-confidence is sexxay! And how special did Mandy expect to feel? Luke’s dating a bunch of other women on television. I am left to wonder whether some of the laydeez didn’t honestly expect at some point Luke would go, “You know what, I’m not going to complete my contract, I’m just going to leave right now with [insert laydee name here] because we have found True Love. See you in court!”

Luke’s got his Desperation-Vampire fangs out and thirstily asks a freshly de-bathroomed Mandy what’s wrong. They appear to be sitting together on a stage of some kind. OH GOD HAVE THEY RUN OUT OF COUCHES WHAT HAPPENS NOW? THIS IS A TWIST NO ONE COULD HAVE FORSEEN! Mandy says “it’s hard” for what is easily the ten thousandth time in this episode. Way to go for the kill, Mandy; Luke cannot resist such candid insecurity and misery. Luke confessions that he doubts Mandy’s commitment to Sparkle Motion; rather, he wonders whether she has “the patience” to see this humiliating and demoralizing process through to its bitter end (which I am still hoping will involve roasting Luke on a spit, a reunited cast of laydeez toasting champagne to the bullet they’ve dodged, and maybe some fat skinny-dipping whilst chowing down on Luke’s tender and well-marbled flesh, if I want to get greedy). Luke says in confession: “I’m worried that Mandy’s going to begin questioning the connection that she and I have.” Maybe, maybe, and maybe that’s because YOU’RE “CONNECTING” WITH FIVE OTHER PEOPLE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER FACE.

When Kristian and Mandy come back into the laydee-stacking room post-date, Kristian is freaking AGLOW with joy, and Mandy looks despondent, like she just witnessed a garbage truck flattening her beloved kitten, Muffburger. Elsewhere, Luke finds the cupcake-pile the other laydeez have left outside the guesthouse door and yells thank you in the general direction of the main house. I don’t know if this is a lack of class on Luke’s part or if he’s forbidden to have unplanned contact with the laydeez. These are not free-range laydeez; this is laydee factory-farming.

LUKEMAIL, woo: in the note, Luke says he wants to take his relationship with Malissa to “new heights”. Luke himself confessions that he wants to get to know her better “as a person” — this would be different than getting to know her as a laydee-who-gives-me-a-boner-in-a-hot-tub. Will WE also get to know Malissa as a person? My money’s on some banal conversation followed by heavily mic’ed making out, because evidently conventional wisdom dictates that the television audience feels left out if they don’t hear every single lip smack or point of tongue contact. Worth noting: Malissa gets a solo date! Malissa confessions “I think we both have strong feelings for each other”; I think “strong feelings” may be code for “KNOCKIN’ THE BOOTS YEEEAAAHHH” but what do I know.

Luke and Malissa will be helicoptering to a vineyard, to do some wine-tasting. Luke confesses that he and Malissa have “a great connection” and he wants to explore it further. Apparently exploring it further means having awkward and boring lunch conversation about how great the helicopter ride was and how much fun they’re going to have today and wow, that was fun, and today will be fun. Yes! Fun! Then Luke says to Malissa, “I feel great, like I feel so relaxed right now,” though I wonder how much wine he’s had, exactly. They start to eat, and the conversation appears to die a mercifully rapid death.

LUKEMAIL, woo: Anna, Heather and Tali are invited on a group date tomorrow, for some “fun in the sun”. I’d just like to take a moment to say how refreshing it is that they don’t fall back on the most tired cliches in the whole fucking universe for the few bits of show that are actually scripted. The laydeez figure their date will involve the beach. Enigmatic Tali looks as stone-faced as ever but apparently the other laydeez have learned to read her better because Anna asks Tali rather pointedly how she’s doing. Tali complains to the group about having “another date in a bathing suit, not extremely happy about it.” Tali confessions (POSSIBLY FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER) that she’s basically afraid of being judged for being fat and in swimwear.

We now interrupt this recap to bring you some important breaking news. This just in: LUKE LIKES FAT WOMEN.

LUKE.
LIKES.
FAT.
WOMEN.

LUKE LIKES WOMEN, THAT ARE FAT. LUKE LIKES WOMEN WITH FAT ON THEM. LUKE LIKES IT. HE LIKES IT. HE LIKES SEEING FAT LAYDEEZ IN THEIR SWIMSUITS WITH THEIR GIANT PLANETARY-ORBIT-SHIFTING ASSES AND ALL. HE CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF FAT WOMEN IN SWIMSUITS. HE LIKES IT. HE LIKE LIKE LIIIIIKES IT! LUKE LIKES FAT WOMEN.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled recap.

Tali says to the laydeez, “It’s not only another date in a bathing suit, it’s another date with two other girls in a bathing suit.” Tali says this after pulling a big old BLANKET over herself, as she sits on the laydee-stacking couch, like the mere thought of swimwear makes her feel naked. (Tali and the other swimsuit-traumatized laydeez have my husband’s sympathy, I should note, though not mine, so clearly I am dead inside at this point.) Clip below.

Oh poor, poor Tali, who is strikingly, classically beautiful, and tall, and who has immaculately shiny healthy hair and near-perfect skin, and who is really not all that fat. I may be projecting this, blank slate that she is, but Tali strikes me as the kind of woman who’d complain about how being pretty is a terrible burden. How you must suffer, dear.

Meanwhile, Luke and Malissa are – wait for it – MAKING OUT on a blanket in the vineyard. We do get a closeup of Luke grabbing her backfat in the course of the makeout, so at least there’s that. Malissa remarks in confession, apropos of nothing, that people are judgmental because she’s fat. WE KNOW. Does this show think it’s doing good by going the WAH WAH WAH WE ARE SUCH VICTIMS OF EVIL CRUELTY LEAVE THE FATTIES ALONE route?

Luke and Malissa are now supposed to ride a tandem bike. Luke sits up front – such a gentleman, to give Malissa the assward view – and awkwardly tries to hold Malissa’s hand while they ride, and in so doing almost sends the bike veering off the road. THEN, trying to climb a hill, Luke breaks the bike. I mean really, REALLY breaks it. Not like, the chain just came loose. He demolishes the whole works. THANKS PRODUCERS, you fucking assholes. I hate you. I hate this show. Luke and Malissa laugh and gaily skip away from the destruction, and there are clips of nearby horses throwing their heads around in what I presume is meant to indicate disgust. As if even the horses are all, “HA HA HA, YOU FATASSES!” Clip below, including a random shot of some zebras (?).

Luke nonsensically confessions: “I really enjoyed my date today with Malissa. I felt like it was she and I, dating.” (Husband: “Your date felt like you were dating? Wow, that guy is DEEP.”) Luke then complains confession-style that having a good date makes his life more difficult. All together now: POOR LUKE.

Back at Hogwarts (no embellishment needed, I think), Malissa tells the other laydeez about their swell romantical stylings at the vineyard. Anna confessions that the other laydeez had all assumed Malissa was going to have some kind of “adventure date” – like she and Luke would be battling Nazis to retrieve the lost Ark of the Covenant? – but instead it sounds like it was this “fantastical, amazing, romantic date, that it was really like, knife in the heart, and twist.” Anna gives us a little visual aid here of holding out an imaginary knife and it’s very Lady Macbeth. Malissa tells the laydeez she’s in love. I’m sure this would be a tender and sweet moment if I weren’t distracted by the fact that Malissa is wearing some impressively ugly shoes, which look like something she borrowed out of Jessica Simpson’s wardrobe from her role as Daisy Duke.

Later that evening, some of the laydeez are sitting by the pool. In the hot tub, up-front Kristian is telling the other laydeez that she’s in love with Luke. Heather starts crying because she doesn’t feel that way yet. Heather, bless, this is not a bad thing. This scene lays out, clear as day, a terrifying reality: these laydeez are honestly TRYING to love Luke because many of them don’t believe they’ll ever find another guy who accepts their size. And if those feelings aren’t there, they’re panicking and attempting to force them, as this may be their “last chance”. Show, I hate you even more. How the fuck is this positive or empowering? How the fuck is this good for fat women, both the laydeez on this show and the women watching?

Heather is snotting quite a bit, poor lamb; I guess the downside to so meticulously microphoning your participants is that not only is the kissing noisy, but the crying is too. During this exchange, Malissa is in the hot tub with Kristian, and both of them are in swimsuits. Heather is sitting near the edge of the tub, fully clothed. Tali is sitting further back on a chair, still wrapped in the throw blanket from the couch. Like Tali is so afraid of swimwear that even being NEAR a pool makes her panic and put on additional clothing. I half expect in the next scene Tali will be wearing a burqa, ethnicity-clashing notwithstanding. Clip below.

Luke fetches the laydeez for their beach date, and confessions that “any time they can show off their bodies is awesome, because it kinda shows how confident they are and that’s a turn-on for me.” Right on, Luke, it’s all about you and your big beef bus. Once at the beach, the conversation dies, and Luke confessions further: “I did notice that the girls seem really uncomfortable; they’re all still relying on me to direct the conversation.” Well, that’s because you’re A-#1 Big Pimpin’ Mack Daddy here Luke! You hold all the cards and the laydeez know it. The first part of his comment is pretty obviously cobbled together from two separate comments from Luke, which is curious and leaves me dying to know what he originally said, like maybe “I am a smug bastard and I totally suck.”

Cut to Anna confessioning that she doesn’t enjoy wearing a swim suit, and says “I’m a big girl, we don’t prance around in bathing suits for fun.” Speak for yourself, GigantAnna! I prance every opportunity I get. Luke then suggests to the group that he take his “sweaty shirt” off so the laydeez can rub sunscreen on him. I AM NOT JOKING. This actually happened, though with a sad absence of 70s porno music on the soundtrack. (Husband: “He may as well pass out some lotion and ask who wants to give him a hand job.”) Luke confessions that “women are strange creatures” — SERIOUSLY — and that “I knew the girls would be excited about slapping some oil on me, and I was too.” My husband actually bellowed “OH MY GOD, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” at this, so loudly that I’m not even relegating it to his usual parenthetical status. Luke says it with such conviction, like he’s already composing in his head: ‘Dear Penthouse forum, I am a big stupid douchebag from Southern California, and I never thought I’d be writing to you…”

After the laydeez have completed their contractually-obligated slathering, Luke has one-on-one time with Tali. Tali immediately responds to his “How are you?” inquiry by talking about feeling jealous. Who told these laydeez that jealousy was attractive? Tali basically tells Luke that the other laydeez seem to only talk to him about stupid shit like, oh, family, and personal interests, but HER conversations with Luke are like so deep and not about that irrelevant stuff, such that piddling details like family and background and past experiences become totally meaningless. We’ve yet to witness any of these deep conversations, for the record; possibly they are so very deep that America is not ready to hear them. Luke responds, “Sometimes there’s like, a connection where, the details don’t matter, ” and Tali says she feels the same way, and of course this is a cue to make out. Luke says in confession: “The fact that it took Tali so long to open up to me is a testament to the fact of what a deep person she is.” I’ll transcribe my reaction to this verbatim: HA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It’s not so much that I doubt that Tali may in fact be “deep”, as I am amused by Luke’s methodology for determining her alleged depth. Clip below.

Back at the the Thunderdome, Mandy tells the other laydeez it feels like she’s letting her boyfriend date other people. The other laydeez agree that it’s frustrating. MY GOD, LAYDEEZ, YOU HAVE BARELY MET THIS MAN. In Mandy’s case, she hasn’t even had a solo date with him yet.

Luke and Anna are paddleboating. Wow, I haven’t done that since summer camp. No wait, it’s not a paddleboat, it’s motorized or something. LOSE. Luke asks Anna if she thinks she could fall in love with him and she pauses for kind of a long time. Evidently she doesn’t want to be dishonest or a bullshitter, so she tells Luke she’s not willing to rush into marriage after like a month (THANK HOLY HEAVEN FOR A LONE VOICE OF REASON SCREAMING INTO THE WILDERNESS OF FAT DESPERATION IN WHICH WE FIND OURSELVES). Luke’s all, yeah, alright, thass cool. THEN, we have a classic Luke moment: he begins complimenting Anna, and calls her gorgeous. Then he pauses and it’s clear he’s waiting for a response, so after a moment, Anna laughs and says thank you. Luke then basically moves right in for the kiss without even waiting for her to make eye contact. It reads, at least on television, almost as though he thinks he’s entitled to it. I CALLED YOU GORGEOUS, WOMAN. NOW YOU KISS ME. Actually, it’s just occurred to me that throughout this series, Luke has been complimenting laydeez on their appearance as a lead-in to the makeout, as though he figured out at some point that if you tell a woman she’s beautiful, she’ll probably kiss you, or at least will let you kiss her. Gross. Gross, gross, gross. I’m not even clipping this because it turns my stomach. Luke says “there’s an obvious attraction between Anna and I” and references “fireworks”.

Luke, a note: just because a woman gives you a hard-on does not mean you have some deep mystical connection with her. Likewise to the laydeez, who I am sure are getting hard-ons of their own, though they’re probably not encouraged to talk about it lest they slide down the slippery cultural slope from Wife Material to Tawdry Slut. Hard-on bequeathing, whilst important to a healthy long-term relationship, is ultimately only one piece of a much larger picture of important relationship-building parts. Focusing on the hard-ons would be like trying to build a house by putting up drywall without building a frame to hang it on first. And that’s one to grow on!

While Tali and Anna play volleyball (MY TEAM-SPORTS NEMESIS!), Luke and Heather are lying on the beach together and Heather is like totally harshing Luke’s mellow by talking about feeling jealous. So when Tali does it, she’s “opening up”, but when Heather does it, it makes Luke doubt her confidence? Luke confessions: “Heather was really jealous of Malissa’s date, and I thought she was more confident than that in our feelings for each other, so I was kinda surprised.” What the hell would make you think she was confident, Luke? The crying? The awkward laughter? Luke feels like their “chemistry” isn’t increasing exponentially and that’s totally a bummer. Clip below.

Final Countdown Cocktail Party Time! Luke whines in confession about how hard his life is, having to decide which laydeez to send home. He takes off with Mandy for their one-on-one time. He asks Mandy to tell him about an experience that’s shaped her; Mandy discloses that she had an eating disorder in high school and gained weight while in recovery, and about her struggle to reinvent herself and her identity as a result. Wait, are we hearing about something of substance here? I am floored. Kristian watches from a distance and tries to read their body language.

One-on-one time with Heather and Luke quickly turns into crying as Heather essentially begs for Luke to not send her home. Luke blathers something noncommital about wishing he could not send anybody home, but it comes across as sort of ominous. Then, confusingly, Luke says: “I feel like I know who you are, and I love who you are, and I wouldn’t want you to change for anybody.” SHIT Y’ALL, HE USED THE L WORD. Way to confuse poor Heather and the audience as well. Does that mean she’s going home or not? Next, Luke and Anna have couchtime and not much must have happened because we don’t see it. Following Anna is Kristian, who wants to tell Luke something in three different languages and make him guess what she’s saying. When he doesn’t totally get it, she says outright that she’s falling in love with him and he’s “the most amazing man” she’s ever met. Oh Kristian, you can do better. Luke confessions that he was “blown away” by Kristian’s laying bare of her feelings, and that he has a lot to think about with regards to the elimination. Yawn.

Tali, meanwhile, hears about Kristian’s disclosure and takes it upon herself to be a Free Range Laydee after all, by veering off the usual path from sleeping quarters to kitchen to laydee-stacking room to pool, and accosting Luke on his own, stage-whispering for him to “come here for a sec.” Tali is feeling jealous. SHOCKER. She complains that she felt confident and now she doesn’t. Luke tells her not to listen to the other laydeez but to listen to her heart.

Time to pass the ring-collection plate around! The laydeez are all stressed. Kristian wants to stay with her “future husband”. Two laydeez will be cut and cast, ringless and naked, into the woods behind the mansion to be devoured by starving feral dogs. Kristian confessions that she will be “crushed, heartbroken” if she doesn’t get a ring back. In her confessional, Anna wishes she said more about her feelings for Luke during their time together. Fortunately Luke must like a laydee of few words, since Anna gets the first ring. Malissa gets the second ring. Mandy confessions, “I feel like I’m just about to break.” Honey, THERAPY. Please get some, or some more, as the case may be. Mandy gets the next ring, though, so yay, she can be tormented further. Emme reappears with an assualt rifle and mows down the whole cast in cold blood. Not really, she actually just informs everyone that one ring is left, in case nobody can count. Tali wants it. Kristian wants it. Heather, apparently, has no opinion. The ring goes to Tali. Kristian and Heather are going home. Kristian may need to be taken out on a stretcher. Heather confessions that she’s shocked, but that she accepts that she must not be the one for Luke: “Even though I’m crying, I’ve never felt this good about myself in my entire life. I feel so confident, and I feel like I’ve overcome a lot of things.” Aww. Then Heather says Luke taught her to “spread her wings”. (“Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people real life. She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said yes. I said, You’re beautiful.”) Fly free, fat little Heather bird!

Kristian’s turn to say goodbye. She embraces Luke for a long time and whispers that she does love him, and that she hopes he finds someone there to care about him after all. When they part, Luke looks as emotionally affected as we’ve ever seen him. I think there may even be a facial expression that isn’t “mouth breathing” or “satisfied smirk”. He stands alone for a moment, looking off-balance and overwhelmed, and then he abruptly turns and walks out of the room.

OH SHIT, he’s going after Kristian! He hugs her as she cries – and does she ever cry – and tells her he wants what’s right for her, and that he’s not it. Elsewhere he confessions that he thought Kristian deserved a fuller explanation and that was why he went after her. I have noted before that the only times I’ve found Luke at all likeable is when he’s in Kristian’s presence, and that’s true in this moment as well. Right now, he seems almost like a decent guy. Kristian’s pain is heartbreaking; they say nothing ever compares to the honesty and innocence you give your first love (and as ridiculous as this whole catastrophic show is, in Kristian’s mind, this IS her first love), and you can see all that laid bare here. Clip below.

I cried, okay? I did. I cried because I felt Kristian’s pain; because once upon a time I was Kristian. I cried because I want to take this show and stab it through the heart for manipulating these women in this way, for hurting them like it has. It’s like beating up a kitten; most of the women here have little fight in them, it’s all they can do to keep their heads up and carry on faking-it-til-they-make-it for another day. I cried because I think Kristian is an ordinary young woman who just wants to be loved by someone without having to change herself to make that happen; and that’s what I want for all of us.

Luke returns to the laydee-stacking room and gives the remaining four laydeez the required group hug, though it’s kind of sad and halfhearted. Luke is sorely bummed, y’all, and I find this deeply satisfying.

This week’s musical interlude is a special long-distance dedication from me to Kristian. Kristian, just because you might be good for a certain man doesn’t mean he’d be any good for you. You will survive this.

Next week: solo dates with the remaining laydeez, and their families show up to surprise them. Malissa’s sister made me say “Yikes” out loud, because I am a mean-spirited judgemental person. Til then.

Hey, no “THE AVERAGE WOMAN WEARS A SIZE 14 SO WATCH THIS SHOW AND FEEL SUPERIOR” montage this week! I guess Fox has decided they’ve ensnared all the viewers they’re gonna get. Last week: there was a fake prom, and laydeez cried. Incidentally, does anyone know how many episodes this horror show is going to go on for? If it’s six, I’ll be very sad I squandered an opportunity to set up a series of Star Wars-themed post titles.

The episode opens with Luke at home in the guesthouse. He makes coffee! He sits on a couch! Famous people, they’re just like us. Luke blabbers in voiceover about wanting to do something repellent to the laydeez (okay, I’m embellishing), so he’s asked Emme to assemble the laydeez for a little activity. Oh, I hope they’re going to make friendship bracelets! Alas, no, they’re going to assess one another’s wifely qualities. In confessional Luke tries to take credit for this idea by saying, “I’m hoping that their honest opinions of each other could help me find out who could potentially be who could be Mrs. Luke Conley.” OH, I need to unpack this a little. To start, this is not going to bring the honest opinions of anyone; in fact, it’s more likely that the laydeez will each try to downplay the advantages of their biggest competition, if not sabotage each other outright. It’s politics and jockeying-for-position; ain’t nothing “honest” about it. I guess we’re supposed to assume that Luke’s never seen a reality show before. Secondly, I love that it’s just assumed that any and all of the laydeez would be into marrying Luke. I mean, I’d expect some of them are rational enough to occasionally think: hmm, maybe we should get to know each other without the warm glow of industrial lighting and an omnipresent camera crew watching us before we talk about spending the rest of our lives together? Lastly, Luke sucks. Really, though, I think we’re all aware these are producer-hatched shenanigans and Luke, ventriloquist dummy that he is, is just saying the words they’ve told him to say.

The ladyeez are assembled on the laydee-stacking couch in the laydee-stacking room, and Emme passes out sparkly-edged plate things that say “good wife” (in pink!) on one side and “bad wife” (in RED! WARNING WARNING) on the other. Emme tells the laydeez that they’ll each stand up before the group and be judged by the others as a potential wife for Luke. (My husband interjects at this point to say, “I can’t believe Emme is doing this; that’s like the biggest disappointment of all,” and I’m inclined to agree.) The laydee being judged stands with Emme before the other laydeez on the laydee-stacking couch and has to listen to each laydee explain their assessment of her. It’s like the worst group therapy in the world. I wonder if the More to Love Fat-Lady Prison Compound has a locked gate or something. Not to inject myself into the proceedings, but folks, it’d be tough for a woman with a shred of self-respect to stand up there and let this happen. I’d be all “See you assholes later! I’m out! Fuck you very much!” but unfortunately none of the other laydeez seem to be receiving my psychic suggestions to get the hell out of this circus.

Oh yay, Kristian is the first punching bag! I bet she cries! Bitch Lauren calls her “emotionally unstable”, which is kind of harsh. I mean, emotional, sure. “Unstable” might be a stretch. Though I admit we’ve never seen her make lemonade. (I’ll be satisfied if even one person gets that reference.) Tali very sagely and seriously instructs Kristian on what’s involved with marriage, but I wasn’t listening because TALI ISN’T MARRIED SO WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE KNOW. Sorry, did I say that out loud? Kristian confessions her shock – which is genuine, in my opinion – and cries a bit. Poor Kristian. I don’t think you’re a dangerous psychopath, dear heart.

Heather’s next, and everyone is all about how Heather’s great and upbeat! All Heather’s sentences end with an exclamation point! Everyone thinks she’s fun! Everyone except Bitch Lauren. Bitch Lauren observes to the group that marriage isn’t just about being a fun person. Bitch Lauren then proceeds to announce in confessional, “I’m already a better wife without even being married!” She tells Tali that she’d “look fabulous on Luke’s arm, but…” she doesn’t think they have much in common. Look fabulous on his arm? Seriously? Tali, who is a freaking blank slate so far as this show is concerned, blinks at this but maintains a stonefaced calm. Bitch Lauren then observes that these laydeez can’t even microwave food by themselves (I’m assuming this is hyperbole, because everyone knows all fatties have an innate ability to seek out, prepare, and consume food!), so how can they care for a husband and children? (My husband: “Way to be invested in stereotypical gender roles! Wait, why the fuck am I noticing that?” Me: “My influence. Exxxxcellent.”) And it goes on. Bitch Lauren gives every single laydee (all the single ladies? allllll the single ladies!) a “bad wife”, and in confessional holds court on the finer points of wifely responsibility which, again, slays me because she’s never been married. (My husband says: “LAUREN IS AN EXPERT! ON EVERYTHING!”) When Bitch Lauren herself gets up, it’s payback time, and she gets mostly “bad wife” signs. Mandy tells Bitch Lauren she is a “strong woman” but that her “vulgarity? Is up the roof.” I have no idea what “up the roof” means. I love how the laydeez mix their metaphors constantly.

At this moment, I’d like to formally acknowledge how Bitch Lauren has worked hard to earn the title I’ve bequeathed upon her. Bitch Lauren, in recognition of your valiant efforts in bitchery and being an asshole, I am hereby upgrading you to the aristocracy: henceforth you shall be Bitch Lauren, Duchess of Jerkshire.

Melissa (I should probably be referring to her as Mel B like the show does, but in text you can see how Melissa and Malissa are spelled different and in my head “Mel B” always refers to the Spice Girl, so, I’m not) is last. She’s been sporting some ROLLLLSSSS!!!! on the laydee-stacking couch that were making me very happy as they looked a bit like my rolls, so I am sad to see her stand up. She gets all “bad wife”s from everyone except Bitch Lauren. Oh irony. They call her “young” which is code for insecure/immature/unconfident. Eh. You’re all young, in varying degrees, but I’ll allow the prosecution to continue this line of questioning. Heather got the most votes for “good wife”, and Melissa got the most votes for “bad wife”, so the both of them get solo dates with Luke. The rest get a group date. If you didn’t see that coming, then you weren’t paying attention. This show likes to reward the losers! It makes the show feel altruistic and self-satisfied! Bitch Lauren, as usual, takes a parting shot and says, “Heather got voted best wife because she’s fun…. What the fuck does fun have to do with being a wife?” Oh Bitch Lauren, with that attitude, some day you are going to make some lucky guy into a dire and miserable bastard who can’t get away from you fast enough. Bitch Lauren bitches some more about not getting a solo date with Luke. Bitching sure is attractive! I think I’m falling in love with Bitch Lauren myself! See the clip below for Good Wife/Bad Wife horror show in its entirety.

LUKEMAIL WOOO!!!!!! Anna grabs it and takes the opportunity to bitch about her lack of solo dates as well. I notice the Lukemail Giant Plastic Ring Delivery System is not white, as I previously said, but silver. Still plastic, though. And I still would have gone with the trained potbellied-pig pony express. Go big or go home, that’s what I say. The note instructs Melissa to get ready and meet Luke out front. Once there, we find Luke is wearing another dreadful shirt: it’s black with red topstitching, white pearl snap buttons, and light chambray trim on the collar and cuffs. Yikes. Where did he even find that shirt? They’re going for Moroccan food, yum. Of course, if there is a couch within a fifty-mile radius these fatties will find it and sit on it, so they’re encouched as usual when Melissa asks if he thinks it would be hard for him to be with a woman who’s shy. LIE, LUKE! “No, I think it’s possible for a woman to be shy or reserved, yet confident. I need a woman who’s confident in herself.” My husband is baffled by this comment so I explain to him my armchair-psychologist assessment: that Luke doesn’t really want a woman who’s confident already, but a woman he can make confident through compliments and positive attention, so that way her confidence is dependent on Luke’s presence in her life. If she loses him, she loses the confidence he’s given her, because that confidence wasn’t something she cultivated organically within herself, but something that was dependent on having him around to periodically reinforce it. It’s a delicious little method for keeping someone in a relationship with you and it’s not restricted to use by skeevy Ken dolls like Luke, but can happen in lots of circumstances. Regardless, no matter the situation, it’s unhealthy and plain old fucked up.

Melissa sweetly says to Luke, in a very quiet voice: “My confidence, it’s getting better.” Melissa, your confidence is not dependent on this California man-lump! I hope you know that. Of course, one minute Melissa’s all, hey I was starting to relax and feeling okay, and the next minute a couple of slender belly-dancers appear and start shaking their slender bodies and Melissa’s totally intimidated. They couldn’t find any fat belly dancers? I only know about a MILLION, for real. The two dancers drag Luke and Melissa off their couch to teach them to dance. Melissa slowly gets the hang of it and seems to enjoy letting loose a little bit. Luke says, “I saw a glimpse of the sexy confident woman she’s starting to become,” and I am so overcome with wanting to protect her from Luke’s weirdly predatorial advances that I all but scream at the television, GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BASTARD. (In the same vein, my husband immediately adopts a lisping, guttural, deranged voice and rasps: “She’s like a chrysalis! I can make her in my own image, like… GOD.”)

Melissa is overcome with all these new experiences she’s having! Swimsuits, dancing! It’s totally awesome to see her breaking down the barriers she’s built for herself; I just wish she were doing it without the context of a dating competition. How about a show in which insecure fat women are taught self-acceptance and confidence, and in which they build enduring and satisfying friendships with other fat women, and in which they DON’T have to hate on each other or mash faces with some strange orange dude named Luke?

Date’s over, and we’re back at the hippo ranch, just in time for LUKEMAIL WOO!!!! Kristian grabs it and reads it to the group. It’s addressed to Heather, on the subject of their date. The note promises “the royal treatment”, and I’m ever so excited to see what THAT means. After the reading of the note, Heather is led to the secret Room of Requirement in the fatty manse and finds it filled with gowns apsiring to dizzy heights of ridiculousness and an insane woman, who squeals “HIIIIII PRETTY PRINCESS!!!!!!!!” when Heather enters. She might not actually be insane; she’s just really cheerful, I often confuse the two. Clip below:

An aside: what is UP with the use of curtains to create space in the show? The confession room has curtains, the prom location was curtained to death, and the Room of Requirement also has curtains for walls. There’s an Omar the Tent Maker joke in there somewhere, I know it.

Heather has to choose from amongst the selection of gowns (oh lord, these dresses are… unreal; some of them look like something a clown would wear if she wanted to upstage all the other clowns at the big annual Clown Ball) and escape the Insane Gown Woman in order to make her date. Use your patronus, Heather! I bet Heather’s patronus is a fat blonde pony. She selects a relatively-restrained dark blue gown that would be lovely if you scraped all the bling off of it. She shows off to the other laydeez briefly before meeting Luke out front, and together they drive to a castle. Not a real castle; a chintzy LA castle. I guess it’ll have to do. Luke actually says, “Right this way, milady.” HUSBAND! UPCHUCK BUCKET, STAT! We’ve got some strummy guitar music that makes me think they’re inducing the audience to feel warm and fuzzy about Luke and Heather right now. Luke says something about the gorgeous view and Heather agrees, looking out over the twinkling lights of the cultural wasteland that is Los Angeles, and Luke says no, “I was talking about you.” OHHHH I GET IT, SHE’S THE GORGEOUS VIEW. I think all the women watching are expected to melt right now. If only Luke were fourteen, he’d be one smooth operator; as it is, his goofy lines could be either endearingly earnest or eye-rollingly embarrassing. Heather gives a girlish giggle and thanks him, so I guess that’s all that matters. They clink glasses and drink champagne.

While Luke is getting all up on Heather’s jock, the laydeez at home are getting some LUKEMAIL WOOO!!!! Tomorrow morning the group date will get “R&R”, though somehow I doubt it’ll be all that relaxing. Luke’s note advises getting a good night’s sleep in preparation for the knife fights and jello wrestling. Okay, I made that last bit up, but he does advise the good night’s sleep. That’s our Luke, always concerned for the laydeez’ physical and mental well-being!

Back at Castle Fattenstein, Luke and Heather are sitting down for dinner, which is being served at a table set up on the “castle”’s lawn. Luke calls Heather “a fun girl” but needs to know her feelings about having a family. Heather’s in favor of having a career, she guesses. Luke wants to know how she envisions their childcare arrangements working out if they’re both working, the implication, intentional or not, being that of course it’s the wife’s problem to figure out what to do with the children if she wants to have a career! Heather says she’s not thought about it that much, probably because she’s all of like 22. Things take a weird-ass turn when Luke straight-facedly pranks her by telling her he has three kids. Heather’s face is priceless at this; you couldn’t imagine a more perfect image of shocked horror. It’s like you can see the needle come off the record in her head. Actually I’m surprised that wasn’t a sound effect. Then Luke’s all NAWWWW I’M JUST MESSING WITH YOU and they laugh in relief. He explains in confessional that the conversation got all “deep” (Lord. LORD.) and so he did it to lighten things up again. It was pretty damn funny to watch but I’m also left feeling like Luke is kind of an asshole. I’m not fond of pranks that involve tricking folks or lying, though, so this is probably just my own stick-in-the-mudness coming out. (Pranks that involve physical injury or wanton destruction of property are HILARIOUS, though.)

Luke’s mom was a stay at home mother and he basically states he wants that for his kids. Heather wisely observes that these are things they’d figure out with time. Dudes, I’m an OLDER woman of 32 and my husband and I have been discussing and planning to reproduce for literal years, and even we STILL don’t know exactly how we will ultimately handle our childcare arrangements. It’s sort of a stupid thing to put a laydee on the spot about at this point.

We head inside Castle Fattenstein to see the backs of Luke’s and Heather’s heads as they make out in front of a fireplace. The camera lingers a liiiittle too long on a shot of Luke’s hand slooowly opening a bottle of champagne – working the cork out, bit by bit, oh yeah baby, you know how I like it, almost there, unnnnhhh – and it looks way too much like a penis-rubbing reference and I can’t go any further because oh the skeeviness of it all. Then they pan up and the two of them are kissing WHILE he’s rubbing on the champagne-bottle-penis, and he pops the cork, which makes Heather jump as she was clearly not paying attention to Luke’s penis-bottle. Luke cutely says “Excuse me, I don’t know where that came from!” or some such nonsense when dude, you just made yourself look like a minute man. Not something to shine a light on too strongly, know what I mean? Heather laughs hysterically. Heather says Luke makes her feel BEEEEYOOOTIFUUUL. Check the clip below for footage of the prank all the way through to Luke’s premature ejaculation.

Luke got his so it seems the date is over and now it’s tomorrow. The remaining laydeez wake up early for their group date. Luke’s going to meet them there. Mandy has what appears to be a dancing seizure before getting into the limo. What the hell WAS that? Inside, the laydeez are talking about who’s been tongue-kissing Luke (GROOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, also are we in the eighth grade here or what?) and it seems that MALISSA has been kissing with tongues too! Burnnn. Bitch Lauren confessions, “Malissa is the freak, and I think she’s trying to get her way to Luke’s heart by affection,” so in order to compete, Bitch Lauren has to step up her tongue-kissing game pronto! How dare Malissa presume that affection has anything to do with romance? Bitch Lauren KNOWS, y’all. She WROTE THE BOOK on using tongue-kissing to get to Luke’s heart and she’s gonna school every last one of you fat lards with your inept tongues.

They wind up at a spa, which, obvious. Luke’s left a note asking the laydeez to “put on their robes” and meet him by the pool for lunch. Bitch Lauren astutely observes in confession that this means taking clothes off! Sheltered by the privacy and safety of the confessional curtains, she cops to the fact that she’d “like to lose a few pounds,” but she’s got no choice but to bite the bullet and deal. A worthy concern, as surely Luke will see your fat asses and run screaming for the hills! Except that HE LIKES FAT WOMEN AND TALKS ABOUT IT EVERY FIVE SECONDS OR SO. Luke confessions: “We had the whole spa to ourselves: no tension, no stress!” Luke truly fails basic human understanding 101 if he can’t see that these laydeez are nerrrrvous. Or maybe he just doesn’t care. (Husband, on Luke’s observational fail: “I like this guy Luke, he makes me feel like a fucking Romeo.”) Luke then goes on to drool audibly in confession about ogling the laydeez in their swimsuits, and sure, this is not something you hear on mainstream TV every day, but somehow it doesn’t quite feel like a great moment in Fat History to me. He says he’s looking at six “full-figured” laydeez with “curves in all the right places” and yay, he’s like happy about it or has a boner or something. I don’t know. I’m wondering where the “wrong places” for curves are.

Malissa doesn’t like having her mammoth ass flapping in the breeze, as she doesn’t even like wearing a swimsuit around her friends. That doesn’t stop her from some private hot-tubbing with Luke, though. He massages her and mumbles in what I presume is meant to be a sexyvoice about finding a knot in Malissa’s back, and calling her “naughty”, and I am not sure but it’s just possible this is the most squicked out I’ve been yet. In confession he talks about Malissa’s “curves in all the right places” for the second time in like thirty seconds. Then, predictably, it’s noisy-smacky makeout time! As they face each other and kiss in the hot tub, Malissa says, “Well it seems like you’re definitely attracted to me,” and Luke says quickly, “Yeeeeaah, that’s like, an understatement” and OH MY GOD I THINK THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT HIM ACTUALLY REALLY-FOR-REAL HAVING A BONER AND I WAS JUST JOKING BEFORE. EWWWWWWWW.

Malissa comes back and talks about her tongue-kissing. Mandy cries in confession about the tongue-kissing. I truly feel badly for her as she talks about how awkward it is and yeah, I bet it really, really is. Painfully so. Evidently Malissa doesn’t talk about the boner that may or may not have happened.

There is more eating, and then more alone time. Luke wants to hear more about the laydeez’ Fat Pain, though seriously y’all, can we hear something about what they do for a living or what sort of music they like or even their favorite fucking colors? ANYTHING but more Fat Pain. But Luke demands it! Desperation Vampire that Luke is, he wants them to “open up” their Fat Pain to him such that he can gobble it down and taste every sweet drop of their despairing tears and heartache. YESSSSSS.

During their alone-time, Luke asks Anna if she can see herself with him in five years and she says yes, “but don’t get a big head.” Haha, points to Anna. High five, my crazy-tall Amazonian-warrior girlfriend. Luke says in confession, for the ten billionth time, that “it’s not about size” with him but in how a laydee “carries herself”. WE KNOW. We’ve heard it. I’d suggest a drinking game for these monologues but we’d all be in the hospital with alcohol poisoning before the first commercial break. Luke and Tali, who we have basically never seen before this moment, are getting foot massages, and eventually are left alone on the foot-tending couch/bed hybrid thing, to snuggle or whatever.

Elsewhere at the Whale Spa, Bitch Lauren is preaching to Anna about how she takes her confidence from “the way [Luke] looks at me. Like I honestly feel like he looks at me like, ‘I’ll see you at the end.” Anna hopes she’ll be there too and Bitch Lauren immediately calls her a bitch. Indeed! On their own, Mandy and Luke get back massages and, again, snuggle. Mandy tells Luke she still feels shy. Then they talk about the “right person” and they kiss and Luke says “the feelings were flooding the room!” I don’t know that those were feelings. Luke confessions that kissing Mandy did something to his heart! OH GOD EVERYTHING THEY SAID ABOUT FAT BEING A DEATH SENTENCE IS TOTALLY TRUE. No, Luke means his emo heart. He actually seems really sincerely taken with the shy and soft-spoken Mandy right now. Who saw THAT coming? Clip below.

I think it says something that when he is with some of the laydeez, Luke is capable of being momentarily likeable. I feel like this show would be so much more interesting if they backed off the Fat Pain and actually showed us something of the more intimate conversations the laydeez have been having, both with each other and with Luke, to give us the chance to see them as individuals and not just indistinguishable sad-eyed cows in a herd.

Luke and Bitch Lauren finally get their alone-time on the veranda. Bitch Lauren decides to charm Luke by complaining about having to go last. Meanwhile, the rest of the laydeez have discovered a fresh avocado-based mask in the bathroom and begin smearing it all over each other and crowding into the hot tub. From the veranda where he and Bitch Lauren are chatting, we can hear the laydeez calling, “Luuuuke!” Luke hears it too, and is drawn to the sound like a sailor to a siren. Bitch Lauren is seriously like BITCHES I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU ALL IN YOUR BEDS FOR WRECKING THIS FOR ME. The hilarity is hilarious.

It’s time for the Final Countdown Cocktail Party. In the laydee-stacking room, Bitch Lauren asks a few of the laydeez to rate their confidence on a scale of 1 to 10. Heather is a confident nine. Melissa is a wobbly five. Is Bitch Lauren really getting cut already? I sure feel like they’re setting it up that way. Two laydeez will be going home. Bitch Lauren gets more alone couchtime with Luke and he asks her if she thinks she’s approaching the group dates with “a competitive spirit”. Bitch Lauren rambles an answer and Melissa spies on them from the other end of the pool. Luke remarks on Bitch Lauren’s jealous side like it’s a good thing. Fucking hell, they deserve each other.

Mandy doesn’t want to sit with Luke for their alone time, she wants to dance. She is a fitness trainer after all, something I know only because it flashes onscreen with her fatass stats, and certainly not because the producers think it’s appropriate for us to know anything about these laydeez aside from the fact that they’re fat. Nonetheless, all this couch-sitting must be getting to her. Mandy tells Luke how much she liiiiiikes him and she wants to call him her boyfriend. Ultimately this evolves into a surprisingly sincere conversation about the difficulty of dating in this fucked up environment (I mean, that part is understood, I think) and it’s one of the most realistic exchanges we’ve seen thus far. It’s almost as if they’re on a real date.

The laydeez are de-ringed. A puffy-eyed and wrecked Anna confessions that she’s getting “attached” to Luke and doesn’t want to go home. She almost looks like she has a terrible cold, it’s that bad. Anna is an ugly crier, poor lamb. Ring toss time! Hi Emme, thanks for reminding us for the bazillionth time that two laydeez will be going home and the last laydee standing may get saddled with Luke for life. Luke makes his dumb speech about “amazing women”, blah blah. I suppose I should be grateful he said “women” and not “girls” this time.

Ringbox is opened. First ring goes to Heather. I’d say yay for her but I think she can do better. Second ring goes to Tali, who continues to be a riddle wrapped in an enigma. She never confessions! Ever! Like I don’t think we’ve once seen her confess! Did she just never have anything to say? Malissa is next. Then Mandy, who is relieved as hell. Is Kristian going to be last, AGAIN? How much more can she take? No, Kristian is fifth! Whew. Emme pops in to flash her tits and shout “GO FUCK, LOSERS!” Not really, she tells us there’s one ring left as her contract requires. Is Bitch Lauren going home? NOOOOOO. I want her to win and be Luke’s complaining bride! Anna gets the last ring. Melissa and Bitch Lauren are going home. Bitch Lauren says “I just know he’s picking someone who’s not as right as me. As far as I’m concerned I can stand out here and laugh at him.” (Husband: “WHAT a BITCH.”) Classy til the last, Bitch Lauren! Let’s see that again.

In confession, Melissa’s weepy about her lost opportunity to bring Luke – whom she now considers her “first boyfriend” – home to meet her parents. Melissa, may your second boyfriend be a real one, preferably one who doesn’t exploit your insecurities. The laydee group has lost another four hundred pounds or so, swell. GROUP HUG. We’re out.

Next week: jealousy, crying, and Kristian as punching bag. Second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse.

Bring on the princess references, ramp up the teenage-prom trauma, and order up some phallic desserts: it’s the (belated recap of) the third episode of More to Love. The same three-minute intro montage we’ve seen prior to every episode sets the stage, again. See, this show is just like every other Bachelor clone, except it has fat people! I’m starting to suspect it’s just me and a handful of reality-TV masochists actually watching this. The montage is not drawing in new viewers, Fox. Your show is soul-sucking and depressing.

Last time: there was vomiting, first dates, swimwear, and Lauren The Trifler turns out to be a full-fledged rank bitch.

We start in the kitchen, where Kristian, who didn’t go on the swimming group date, is quizzing the laydeez on Luke’s physical characteristics – most specifically on whether he’s tanned or pasty-white. Then she says, “I want to pour barbecue sauce on him and eat him like a pork chop!” which, forgive me y’all, is just so bloody adorable. I want to stick the beautiful, precious, over-earnest Kristian in my pocket and protect her from the big mean world that will inevitably break her heart and leave her jaded. Lord, I am becoming a fan of someone on this show. Heaven help me. TEAM KRISTIAN, amirite?

Kristian, with help from Bitch Lauren, is rattling off personal info about Luke, like he has a nephew and stuff. Wait, did she just say his dog is named Maximus? Because that’s pretty hilarious if true. Also my most burning question about Luke thus far – was that his dog in his introductory montage? – has been answered and now I can honestly say I’ve no further interest in the man.

Speak of the devil: Luke appears and summons the laydeez to the laydee-stacking room, whence there is a big pile of silver-wrapped gifts. Luke, for his part, is wearing a construction-cone-orange polo shirt, and it’s AWFUL. He looks like he should be picking up trash on the side of a highway with a bunch of other orange-clad dudes. Clear evidence he needs a woman in his life, if only so she can throw that shirt away one day while he’s at work. (I bet Luke is the kind of guy who has a special chair, say, a reefer-reeking tattered recliner from college, sitting in his house, and he thinks of it as an old friend. Possibly it has a name, like Stoney the Recliner.)

When Luke says “Hello Laydeez,” to to assembled group, he sounds exactly like my tenth grade Catholic-school Latin teacher when she addressed the class. A little bit patronizing, a little bit condescending, a little bit ironic. The laydeez respond in near-perfect unison. Are they being graded on this? Luke goes on to explain that they all share Fat Pain from not going to prom, or from going to prom and having a crap time. This is a bit of a stretch for me, as the odds of being miserable at prom, in my experience, have little to do with relative fatness. Finally Luke pauses and then all but shouts, “Would you all go to the prom with me?” and his enthusiasm is marginally endearing. Luke: skeezehound, Nice Guy, I can’t figure out what to make of you.

The laydeez say yes, they’ll go. Luke pretends to be relieved, like anyone had a choice. I envision a cadre of producers standing just off camera with cattle prods in case any of the heifers step out of line. Luke leaves and the laydeez pounce on the pile o’ sparkly packages, which are filled with prom dresses, evidently of a random assortment of sizes. The laydeez begin making efforts to pack their fat selves into dresses that may or may not fit them. Bonnie, zipped into a green satin strapless dress with help from another laydee, says, “That’s not bad.” When asked if she can breathe, she responds swiftly, “No. Who needs to breathe?” Breathless with excitement, or breathless with lack of oxygen, I suppose in the grander scheme of revisiting the ridiculous ritual of prom it doesn’t matter. Because who needs to breathe.

[I feel compelled at this point to disclose that I did not attend my prom, which is doubtless coloring my assessment of the prom redux. I was pretty checked out of high school by the time prom rolled around and was essentially counting the days till I left South Florida for the wild collegiate wilderness of Boston, Massachusetts, where I could find the CDs I wanted with ease and where my favorite bands (that nobody else had heard of, naturally) routinely played at places like the dearly-departed Rathskeller and the Paradise. So instead, true to my teenage self, I went to see a friend’s band play at my local coffeehouse hangout and then caught up with friends at a prom afterparty later. I really only went to the party because I felt like I should give this prom-night business a fair chance to impress me, but the post-prom festivities were every bit the sloppy-drunken bad-music-laden catastrophe I expected them to be. You can probably guess what sort of teenager I was. The good news is that I’ve never once regretted my decision not to go.]

Makeup! Manicures! Tales of Prom-related Fat Pain! Some laydeez went to the prom alone, horrors! Kristian didn’t have a date and “borrowed” her friend’s date for prom pictures to show her mom. That’s actually really depressing. The dresses are a big sparkling mess of taffeta pickup skirts and blinding rhinestones. I mean, they’re prom dresses, so what do I expect? Bonnie’s is cut straight up to the vag, evidently, but nobody feels the need to comment on this, according to the editors.

Luke and the laydeez drink champagne on their party bus to their destination, whatever that may be. Luke observes in confessional that none of the laydeez enjoyed their prom, either because “they weren’t asked, or it was awkward,” and so he wants to fix that for them with a second chance at having a prom that doesn’t suck. Somehow I think the odds of this succeeding are pretty grim. More to the point, I would hazard a guess that people of any size who had absolutely no prom-related anxiety or awkwardness in high school are a pretty rare breed and that this is hardly a fat-specific cross to bear. But whatevs! Luke’s observations enable thinner people to feel superior that their prom experience may have sucked marginally less! Thanks, Fox!

My biggest problem with this show isn’t so much the insecurity or even the crying: it’s that this show is, intentionally or not, building a mythology of fat experience that is both insulting and inaccurate. More to Love would make the case that all fat teenagers missed the prom. This show continually presumes that all fat people share the same Fat Pain, that fatties uniformly face difficulty in getting dates or finding romance (except, occasionally, with other fat people), that fat people are overly fixated on eating and food, and ultimately that fat women are, deep down, insecure and pathetic and desperate to be loved. I had a comment last week that said in part: “I have read many reviews of this show online, and I have to say the reviews on this site are by far the snarkiest and meanest I have read yet. You girls certainly have your own issues too.” First of all, thank you. Secondly, I’m not even going to touch the “girls” part because it ain’t worth the effort, but I do have issues with this show – I have maaad issues. I am disgusted and snarky about this show because it purports to represent me, as a fat woman, in ways that I find demeaning, condescending, and offensive. Sure, some fat women have romantic difficulty, women and men of all sizes have romantic difficulty. This is not a hallmark of fat life. The moments this show captures that ARE legitimate concerns for fat folks – finding a dress that fits, being aware of weight limits for certain activities that thinner people don’t have to consider, dealing with harassment by assholes, even belly rolls – are really wonderful little moments that briefly normalize fat bodies insofar as portraying them without criticism or judgment. I’ve not yet heard a laydee remark on another laydee’s body in a disparaging way, which is a direction this show could have taken. But I am sick to death of fat chicks crying, because fat women are not all weeping wrecks willing to do anything, anything at all, for a second glance from a halfway-decent guy. None of these women need Luke or any man to complete them or validate them. They’re all fine just as they are. I just wish they knew that; I wish this show could tell them that. But that wouldn’t really make for gripping television, so here we are.

Back at Fat Prom, there’s a live band that isn’t bad. I imagine Prom Band getting this gig and thinking, “FUCK YES, guys, we’re going to be on TV! This is our big break!” And then finding out they’re playing in the Bachelor’s fat-lady sideshow tent. I would have gone with a DJ. Everyone dances and Luke acts the fool to loosen the laydeez up. Kristian and Luke have their dance and finally have their first kiss. Aww. Luke is sweating a lot which is sort of human and unlike the poreless fat Ken doll I’ve come to imagine him to be. Melissa’s never danced in her life, and Luke tries to teach her, though she is terrifically insecure and self-conscious. Again, this is sort of sweet.

Emme comes onstage to address the group. She uses the microphone and everything, which is hilarious considering she’s speaking to a group of thirteen people in a fairly small room. I guess that makes Emme the high school principal in this prom do-over. She has a surprise for Luke: his besties from college are here! Chase is a white, soft-middled, goatee-sporting Jack Black stand-in, and Sam is black and athletically built, and frankly the best-looking of the three of them, Luke included. Luke gives each a vigorously thumping frat-boy hug and says: “It was great to have them there to help me find out who they thought that I would look good with.” Wait, what? There’s more: Principal Emme says you can’t have a prom without a queen! Nor can you have a reality show without dramatic tension and women hating on each other! The prom queen’s prize, aside from a cheap tiara, will be a solo date with Luke. Luke’s friends will choose the queen for him, so now the laydeez have to suck up to two new dude-guys as a bonus. Sweet. Luke’s friends – or at least Chase, as Luke’s Black Friend gets no speaking time onscreen at all, I mean none, which is totally bizarre and uncomfortable – proceed to chat up the laydeez; apparently Danielle talks so much that Heather can’t get a word in. Given Danielle’s prior acknowledgement that guys always tend to dig her as a friend, I won’t be too surprised if Luke’s buddies give her the queen nod. I don’t know too much about guy-culture but I’d imagine most dudes want their best brah to have a girlfriend they can also get along with.

And I’m right! Danielle gets the title! Thanks for setting that up for me, editors! The other laydeez look uniformly shocked. Danielle blubbers in confessional that she “put all her balls down” – I think she means cards? – and she’s wicked happy, cry cry cry. The loser laydeez proceed to dab tears at the event and then hate on Danielle in confessional. Bonnie, in the curtainy hell of the confession room, states, “Usually prom queen is the most beloved person there.” I must have gone to a weird high school because this was certainly not the case for me. And evidently all those teen movies I grew up on were wrong in casting the prom queen as a self-centered princess. Have none of the laydeez seen Jawbreaker? What about Carrie? Furthermore, how dare Bonnie cast doubt on the rich legacy of the late lamented John Hughes? Clip below.

Prom over, we go back to Fatass Manor, where Danielle worries and preps for her solo date. She and Luke pile into the limo and through the magic of editing – specifically cutaways and dissolves – it looks like Danielle talks non-stop the whole way to the restaurant. Luke is not thrilled by this, either because he wanted more of an exchange or because, as the case has seemed to be in the past, he prefers the more restrained laydeez he has to draw out. While Danielle could definitely use a lesson in the subtle art of Leaving Something To The Imagination (or, Stop Oversharing), I also suspect Luke prefers to be the pants-wearer in a given relationship. Danielle is sinking rapidly and doesn’t even know it.

They get to the restaurant and I am hoping Danielle calms down and shuts up for a bit. Snark notwithstanding, I really do want to root for these laydeez to find themselves and their happiness on their own terms; I just think this show is exploiting them and their Fat Pain. However, the date starts off with a misfire when Luke says in confessional he’s looking to share some of his favorite foods with Danielle, but when they sit down and he asks if she likes calamari (referencing the place of deep-fried something before them) Danielle says, “I actually don’t eat seafood. But it’s okay, you dig in.” Given that they’re at a restaurant called The Harborside, we can imagine how this is going to go. Luke is stunned. I am choking with uproarious laughter that has frightened both my cats. Twenty points, show, for this excellent and hilarious twist.

Naturally, whilst Danielle is out on her date, the laydeez are busily bringing the hate back at the hippo ranch. Bonnie is relieved to have Danielle out of the house – “It’s very relaxing,” – and Bitch Lauren, in confessional, calls Danielle a liar, or at least not “honest”, but we’re left to wonder what the hell she’s talking about. In the kitchen, Kristian observes to Bitch Lauren that Danielle is somewhat immature, which, I love you Kristian, but if that isn’t a case of the pot calling the kettle fat I don’t know what is. The reality is that many of the laydeez, Danielle and Kristian included, have a naïveté and nervousness that’s affecting their ability to be smooth operators. Kristian also disdains Danielle’s attention-seeking behavior, and I can’t fault her there.

They have given Danielle chocolate-covered frozen bananas for dessert. Way to set this girl up for a fall, producers! It is basically impossible to chow down on a giant phallic object without terrifying every man in the room. Also chocolate-covered frozen bananas, while delicious (Trader Joe’s makes awesome ones, for the record), are difficult to eat gracefully. I would have tried to use a knife and fork myself. Danielle’s awkwardness and self-consciousness is brutal. Luke says it’s time to move on to the next phase of their date, which turns out to be a gondola ride.

In the gondola, Danielle tells Luke that this is her first second date – apparently she’s never been asked out a second time. Damn, Danielle, you poor clumsy thing, can we talk about this? No wonder you’re nervous as hell. Then she discloses to Luke that she’s a virgin.

Yep. You read that aright. See for yourself.

I have a lot of sympathy for Danielle here because I have done this. Many, many, manymanymany years ago, before I got married and turned into the decrepit OLDER woman, as Bitch Lauren would put it, that you see before you today. I had it in my head that my lack of penis-in-vagina experience at the ripe old age of twenty was a shameful secret and I just wanted to get it out there before too much time had passed (though to my credit I had a better sense of when I was having a bad date with a dude I’d never call again than Danielle seems to have). I now know that this is pretty ridiculous and that a lack of having performed a particular sexual act by a particular arbitrary age is neither shameful nor embarrassing. But at the time it seemed so to me. I got a few different reactions to my virginity disclosures; most were of the skeezetacular huh-huh “I can help you out with that!” variety. But then I wouldn’t have had the poor judgement to disclose it (or to date in the first place) to a guy like Luke. When Danielle says it, it’s like a visible wall comes down between her and Luke. Luke mentioned before in confessional that he wasn’t that into Danielle, but now it seems like he’s simply counting the minutes until he can be rid of her. I feel for both of them, as bad dates suck awfully, but I am more sympathetic to Danielle here as she seems so clueless.

Date is over, thank the heavens, and we return to the mansion, the Xanadu of crying fat laydeez, if you will. LUKEMAIL WOOOOO!!! I have to say I think the Lukemail delivery system is flawed; it’s basically a giant white plastic version of their dumb rings that hangs on a hook in what appears to be the front yard of the fat palace. What they SHOULD have done is trained a potbellied pig to waddle in and deliver Luke’s notes. See, even I could be a reality TV producer! Luke says, in note form, that he wants to give Heather the full force of the Luke Experience since she missed out last week owing to her vomiting problems, so he asks her on a solo date. I suppose her assent is presumed. Bitch Lauren is the laydee who happens to discover and read the Lukemail so she then gets all whiny and aghast in confessional: “I never get what I want around here! I don’t get it! How is that fair? Whine whine whine!” Boring.

Oh shit, they’re going horseback riding. AWESOME. I am so jealous. Luke asks the horse dude whether his horse will mind that he’s over three hundred pounds, and the horse dude assures him they’ve chosen a horse sufficient to the task of hauling Luke’s lardy ass around. Long-running horse jokes aside, this is a valid concern for any fatty attempting horseback riding, as too much weight on a horse can injure it, so this is another of the aforementioned wonderful fat-normalizing moments for me.

Back at the Taj Mahfat, the laydeez are swimming, and Kristian is proving herself to be more forthright and savvy than I expected. We don’t get any context for the conversation but instead just launch right into Kristian telling Danielle straight up that she wants to “wring your neck” and/or “stuff a sock in your mouth” sometimes. Holy shit, honesty! Kristian is apparently not one to only talk shit behind people’s backs but to their faces as well. How refreshing! Somehow she manages to do this in a non-bitchy way such that it appears that Danielle just sits and takes it. She then moves on to Melissa, whom she believes is “hiding something”. In confession Kristian extrapolates that she thinks Melissa would totally stab her in the back if she thought it would help her position. Take no prisoners, Kristian! Melissa asks Kristian if she has a “sneaky side” and Kristian insists she doesn’t.

I am ever more strongly on Team Kristian after this exchange, for what it’s worth.

Luke and Heather’s date continues. They ditch the horses and sit on a bench together and chat about Heather’s love of singing, and that she’s never pursued it seriously because of her Fat Pain. Then she talks about learning to accept herself. Then they make out.

Date over, Luke and the laydeez suit up for the now-routine Final Countdown Cocktail Party prior to elimination time. Bonnie looks fantastic in an ivory and black dotted dress with a narrow red belt. Kristian is wearing an ill-fitting halter dress that would be cute if it didn’t bunch up at the midsection so much. Many of the other dresses came from Torrid, it would seem. Sigh.

Luke and Bitch Lauren have a one-on-one conversation outside and Bitch Lauren, in her loud and halting! manner! of speaking! which is really! irritating! to me!, asks Luke if he’s excited to cut some bitches. She says she wishes they had elimination every day! It’s like Fat-Girl Christmas! Bitch Lauren wants to be clear that she’s not just saying what she thinks Luke wants to hear, and Luke assures her he’s never doubted her sincerity. In confessional, Luke says, “Lauren is definitely trying to assert herself as my woman, like she’s in this for me, and that’s actually a turn-on.” EWWWWWW. EW EW EW. I actually shuddered, folks. I actually shuddered.

Elsewhere, Danielle says she’s not worried after her Awesome Date, which pretty much ensures she’s going to get cut. Other remaining laydeez suck up to Luke and repeat themselves on the subject of their Deep and Profound Connections with him and it’s sort of a blur to me when these proclamations happen. Next, Luke sits down with Bonnie, who says she has a present for him. In answer to his O RLY? inquiry she slightly pulls down the front of her dress to reveal a piece of paper tucked into her boob area (it’s not properly in her cleavage, to be clear). Luke gingerly takes the paper and it’s a little sketch of him that Bonnie’s drawn. This whole thing could have come across as trampy and overbearing but to Bonnie’s credit she manages to pull it off in a way that’s confident and sort of hot and not ridiculous. Well done, Bonnie. I’d totally give you a ring back after that.

Kristian and Luke are encouched and Kristian is pouring her heart out to Luke again, telling him she thinks she’s falling for him. My husband, for the record, is officially disgusted by the level of ass-kissing going on here. Kristian is crying pathetically in confessional about never having “a man in my life who made me feel beautiful”. It’s the same thing, over and over again, forever reinforcing that mythology of fat love I discussed earlier.

Emme turns up and announces that four laydeez are going home tonight. The laydeez, predictably, freak. Four! Four! FOUR! HOW CAN IT BE FOUR OH GOD.

Pre-ring-toss, Luke gives a speech about “strong connections” and “amazing girls” and “putting yourselves out there”. He opens the ring box. Kristian is all but openly crying, she’s so terrified of being cut. Heather gets the first ring. Kristian, in confessional, talks again about princes and princesses and Luke is totally her prince and she can totally be a princess with Luke (My husband, to me: “You’ve never, ever, not once, thought of yourself as a ‘princess’ and me as your ‘prince’, have you?” Me: “Nope!” I have, truthfully, thought of myself as the Supreme Overlord Of Putting Things Away That My Husband Has Taken Out And Left On Various Household Surfaces Instead Of Putting Them Back Where They Belong, but never as a princess.). Mandy is next, and she tells Luke her finger feels “naked” without his ring on it. Hmm. Anna gets called next. In confessional, Christina says it feels “weird” to not have his ring on her finger. Is it just me or are we skirting some weird double-entendre territory with the whole ring-finger-insertion thing? Bonnie confessions that she’s confident. No, never say you’re confident! That’s the death knell! Always cry and say you’ll die if you’re sent home! Bitch Lauren gets her ring and says, “I don’t care if I’m called first or eleventh, it’s all the same to me,” again betraying the math troubles she demonstrated last week when she told Luke that Arianne could be his mom; since there are twelve girls and four are being eliminated, if Bitch Lauren is called “eleventh” she’d be going home, and she probably would care about that. Yes I am nitpicking. Bitch Lauren is a bitch. So there. She says elimination “thrills me” because every laydee cut means less competition for her.

Melissa gets a ring. In keeping with the theme, Malissa also gets a ring. Where’s Emme to tell us one ring remains? Oh there she is! Thanks Emme. Kristian is crumple-faced and one harsh glance away from a meltdown. Luckily Luke calls her name. This means Danielle, Amanda, Christina, and Bonnie are going home. Christina, to her immense credit, tells Luke quietly that she thinks he’s made a big mistake. Luke actually has the balls to try to debate the point with her for a moment. Luke, for fuck’s sake, just let her have the last word, would you? You’re the big man here. Bonnie cries kind of heartbreakingly and says she thinks Luke has an attraction to her but that she’s “scare the crap out of Luke’s mom”. Oh for heaven’s sake, fuck Luke’s mom, if he’s going to cut you because you have tattoos and shit then he’s not a guy who’s going to treat you right anyway. Bonnie’s probably dodged a bullet and she doesn’t even know it. It looks to me like Luke doesn’t want a confident and positive laydee who stands out on her own; he wants a sad neglected laydee he can draw out and take credit for. Moving on: Amanda, whom we’ve seen very little of, cries and leaves. Danielle is very graceful in defeat and believeably tells Luke she hopes he finds girl of his dreams. Now minus those eight hundred or so pounds, the remaining laydeez and Luke do the vomit-inducing group hug, and this episode comes to a close.

Next week: jealousy, fat pain, signs that say “Bad Wife” (I can only imagine where this is going to lead us), Bitch Lauren is bitchy, and Kristian cries.