How to join The Great Pumpkin in 10 easy steps:
10. Eat some. Is good. I buy mine at Trader Joe’s because that’s where I shop; I happen to live near one. It comes in a glass jar and so far is good for a year. Maybe longer.
9. Sniff someone else’s eating of some. This isn’t nearly as good as the real deal, but sometimes there isn’t enough to share. You can still roll in pumpkin-y goodness by inhabiting space inhabited by pumpkin-y goodness.
8. Bake with it. The lil glass jar (ok GIANT OMG JAR) I have in my fridge has recipes. Or it has mini-recipes. It says (anthropomorphically) “stir in cakes, use as pie filling, add to cookie recipes, make frosting for cupcakes” so I take that at jar value. Dump a glob on a cupcake. Mmmm tasty, eh?
7. Cook with it. The jar also tells me to dump it in a steaming pot of creamed something-or-other (real milk? yuck) and make soup out of it. This would fall under the gross category of sweet soups, kind of like the abomination that is Butternut Squash. Etana!, you gasp, how can you speak so harshly of sweet soups?! Of butternut squash?! Easy. I tried it and it tasted like crap because I wanted savory. I had to add like ten jars of pepper, salt, and an entire stick of butter to convince that squash to taste the way I wanted it to. Suffice to say we broke up.
6. Leave it in your sock drawer. This may seem maverick, but we’re a maverick-y kind of group aren’t we? Your socks go on your body which means the pumpkiny goodness is right there seeping into your fleshy bits. Mmmm pumpkin flesh.
5. Creamer steamer, use PB! And no, I don’t mean that awful derivitive of peanuts that I eat when I’m too poor to afford sunflower butter. No, spread that PB on a spoon (scoop?) and dump it in your coffee. Screw Starbuck, you got your own latte in 2 seconds or less.
4. Add it to pumpkin pie. When you pop, you just shouldn’t stop.
3. Do you really still need suggestions? Aren’t you feeling all sweet, creamy, and sticky yet? Don’t you smell a little like the Great Pumpkin already? Geezus.
2. Howl at the moon. No really, this works. Do that while holding your precious jar of OMG GINORMOUS PUMPKIN BUTTER. Make sure it’s not mine or I will bite you. I too will be outside howling, er um….
1. Watch Charlie Brown’s It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown while in a pumpkin patch, eating pumpkin butter. If nothing else does it, dammit this should work.
Send pictures. I want pictures.
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