Two Whole Cakes

The prologue.

I’m calling shenanigans.

Not the shenanigans that we want to see, in this genre. Not fun reality-TV shenanigans! There has been no surreptitious peeing in the other laydees’ shampoo bottles, no pushing each other into the pool fully dressed, no hair-pulling, no death threats. There hasn’t even been much garden-variety lying and/or sabotage, at least not after we lost our beloved Saint Bitch Lauren. A surprising number of the “This season, on More to Love!” preview clips we saw early on never appeared again. What happened with the shrieking laydeez and the flower-bouquet-throwing incident? What about the shot of a laydee pretty much straddling Luke in the limo at some point (I now think this was Mandy, but I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW)? I am led to believe that standard reality-TV dramaz did happen, but we’ve been robbed of their entertainment, with the standard schadenfreude-driven dating-show format never quite taking shape, and in its stead we got an often painfully-dull show about sad fat women.

My suspicion is that somebody up there thinks they’re protecting us. I suggest that somebody, at some point in this process, decided they wanted these laydeez to be sympathetic characters the whole way through (Bitch Lauren excepted) and cut the show accordingly. After all, this is a show about fat laydeez and given their representation is already limited enough in mainstream media, it’s just possible somebody didn’t want to contribute to more fat-hatin’ and thus tried to make this a show about nice people. Except nobody wants to watch television shows about nice people. This is reality TV: if there’s not dramatics and histrionics and general insanity, then why am I here? If they really, really wanted to make the fat laydeez the heroes of this show, I almost wish they had done what a lot of folks erroneously predicted early on, and brought in some skinny broads to serve as counterpoint and villain. This is not to say slender women should be demonized any more than anyone with any body shape or size should be demonized–but at least then we would have had something compelling to watch. What this show has lacked is any real dramatic tension that wasn’t manufactured out of creatively-cut-together confession clips.

As things are, we got a collection of (mostly) nice (mostly) young laydeez who are very sad and very lonely and in varying stages of self-loathing and self-acceptance. And at the center of it all, like a supermassive black hole of suck, has been Luke, our lumpy hero, the literal object of the laydeez’ affections.

The distance from there to here has been traversed, and what a long strange ponderous trip it’s been.

Part one.

Last time: there were three laydeez. Now there are two.

Luke’s back home in… Southern California, so this looks pretty much the same as everywhere else we’ve been. He calls his hometown “blue collar” and plays with his adorable dog, Max. I think this show would have been worlds better if Max had had a bigger role. We get a REMEMBER MALISSA? montage with an hilarious vignetting camera effect, like she’s dead or something. Malissa was HOT! Luke was worried Malissa “was just a pretty face and a smokin’ body,” but he later discovered that “Malissa is a deep person.” It’s a shame we didn’t get to make that discovery too. Luke thinks it would be “such a smooth transition, to have Malissa come into my life” and indeed, heaven forfend that Luke’s very important life be disrupted! REMEMBER TALI? She was mysterious! And then she wasn’t! They had content-free conversations and some WITH content as well! Then Luke said, “I am falling for you” and I went AWWWW!

The laydeez are descending upon the town that vomited Luke upon this earth like a scourge of sleaze, for the purposes of meeting Luke’s family. Tali’s first, and as she limos along the streets of Lukeville, she confessions that the Hawaii trip was “a huge stepping stone for our relationship.” Is this code for THE SEX? Tali says she could see herself living in Luke’s town. When she arrives, Luke and Tali sure do greet each other like folks who’ve done the deed; there’s a long intimate hug and some kissing. They take Max the dog for a walk. Tali asks if she’s going to meet his parents now, and Luke says she’s going to meet his dad, who is, according to Luke, “a one-of-a-kind person; they really did break the mold after my father.” I’m surprised we don’t get a DUN DUN DUNNNN music cue here, as Luke laughs nervously, because this sounds like it could be bad news. Luke confessions that his parents divorced when he was nine. Hey, mine did when I was six; ugh, I don’t want to identify with Luke. That said, this is just the kind of personal information that might have made the last eight weeks much more interesting.

Luke and Tali stumble across a prepared picnic. Surprise! I’m starting to think Luke has a Yogi Bear-level of fixation with picnic baskets. Luke and Tali have one of the more natural conversations we’ve seen yet, mostly because it seems to be very lightly edited. Damn y’all, I’d almost forgotten what it was like to see two people just talking. Luke tells Tali she will probably render his dad speechless–Tali’s still gorgeous, like in case you forgot–and then Tali asks, somewhat reluctantly, whether Luke’s dad is going to ask her about the fact that she ain’t down with the whole Jesus-is-Lord trip. Luke pauses and his awkwardness is palpable, though interestingly, it seems to stem from Luke’s wanting to be honest that it probably will come up, but he also doesn’t want to scare the pants off Tali. Or maybe he does. Pants off!

Luke says his family “is all devout Christians” and they’ll probably have some “concerns” that Tali will turn Luke into a nonbeliever on an express bus bound for hell. Well, this should be interesting. Luke wonders in confession if Tali is more nervous than she’s letting on, and then says “Tali is the type to be calm, cool, and collective.” My notes here say: GAAAHAHAHA LUKE YOU OAF. There’s a fat joke in his misuse of “collective” but I haven’t found it yet. We get more confessiony build-up that makes it sound like Luke’s family is going to attempt an exorcism on poor Tali before the day is through.

Luke and Tali turn up at the house for a family barbecue, Tali with a cake in hand. Tali meets Luke’s brother, grandma (who gives her a big hug), and his dad. There is lots of meat and Max the dog is there. Yay Max! Tali and Grandma go off to sit down and chat, and Grandma is awesome. She asks Tali where she’s from and when Tali semi-nervously states she was born in Israel, Grandma seems surprised and delighted. Grandma says to Tali, “I think it’s great, to experience other people’s cultures.” Go Grandma! Grandma asks Tali’s favorite thing about Luke, and Tali says it’s Luke’s genuineness. Grandma says her answer “makes me feel good about you.” I love Grandma!

Meanwhile, over at the table piled high with meat, Luke, his brother, and his dad are drinkin’ beers and talking. Luke’s dad asks “So where is she from–I mean, where’s her hometown?” This distinction between “where is she from” and “hometown” is pretty obvious: the first is what a white person asks of someone whose racial or ethnic background is mysterious to them, and the second is what a white person asks of another white person. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that Luke’s dad sort of checks himself halfway through this inquiry. Luke says she lives in New York right now, but in answer to his dad’s real question says that Tali moved there on her own from Israel, four years ago, “with twenty bucks in her pocket, and determined to be successful.” See, why didn’t we hear this earlier? That is INTERESTING.

Prior to eating, Luke’s dad announces that their family has a little “tradition” in which they “give thanks” before eating, and part of this involves holding hands. Luke’s dad seems to be making the Saying-Grace Announcement very pointedly, and it’s uncomfortable to watch. I grew up with this myself so it’s probably overly familiar to me, but I’d also expect many folks know what grace is even when they’ve issued from a family of deluded heretics who don’t Know Jesus, like poor Tali. (I’m kidding, if that wasn’t obvious.) Dad says grace, and he sounds kind of like my dad, only my dad’s not a bigoted Jesus-imposing jerk. Luke’s dad is also a bit of a jokester, and cracks wise about having church instead of dinner (IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE TALI’S JEWISH, YOU SEE) and getting corn stuck in his teeth. He’s sort of awkward and I can’t decide if he’s endearing or off-putting, or both. As I’m watching Luke’s dad, it’s as if a curtain is lifting over my series-long befuddlement over whether Luke is earnestly awkward or painfully skeezy. This is where he gets it from. Oh man. Dad is obviously a little weirded out the cultural difference but seems to be behaving himself, so far.

They go inside to eat the cake Tali brought, and now Dad gets into the Israeli/Jewish thing, asking Tali about the weather in Israel. Did you know Israel is very humid? Me neither! What about near the coast? Oh, it’s humid there too! It’s clear Dad is going to use this to segue into the religion question, and he does. Tali says, point-blank, “I’m Jewish, he’s Christian, and we’re going to have to work it.” There’s something compelling about Tali’s bluntness and self-assured tone and refusal to apologize even a little bit, which would be my worry in the case of a less confident laydee who might be prepared to sacrifice recognizing differences in hopes of forcing a “win” for Luke’s heart. When Luke’s dad gets into the inevitable BUT SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN question and asks how their kids would be raised, Tali’s response really is awesome: “I’d like my kids to know their heritage and to obviously know where there dad came from, and I don’t think it’s going to be a problem to teach them both, and as long as they know that they need to be good people, and respectful…” Luke’s dad interrupts to say BUT THERE WILL BE CONFLICT and Luke jumps in to agree that it’s not something that would stop him from pursuing a relationship with Tali. Luke then confessions that he tried to interject so Tali didn’t have to take all the heat alone. Tali then has a total Ebony & Ivory moment talking about two cultures and religions living together in perfect harmony, side by side on her piano keyboard, oh lord, why don’t we? Clip below.

The pain is over soon enough and it’s Malissa’s turn. They’re going to play pool, and then off to meet the folks. The pool choice was pretty brilliant on Luke’s part, as it affords him many options to look down Malissa’s top as she hoses his ass. Eventually Luke says, “I guess I better sit down,” because Malissa’s not giving him a chance to take a shot anytime soon. Though I have never been a Malissa fan, it’s pretty excellent to watch, and in this sequence I like her a lot. Malissa confesses that Luke thought it would be fun to take Malissa to do something he enjoys, “but what he doesn’t know is, I’m really good.” That much about you we already know, Malissa, even if your billiard skills are new to us. Luke misses what was apparently an easy shot and tries to cover with, “It’s the straight shots that mess me up.” HAAAA. This is worth watching repeatedly.

They finish playing, and sit down to eat. They’re eating pizza. The conversation? Is about pizza. Malissa likes pizza. This is her kind of pizza, because it has a lot of cheese on it. Malissa likes to eat pizza once a week. This is followed by a feeble joke about needing glasses so she can watch what she eats. Oh lord, please tell me the editors just hate Malissa and that their conversations really aren’t all this vapid. Eventually Luke’s all “so tonight you meet my parents!” but we get no extended anxiety-buildup for Malissa like we got with Tali.

And they’re there. Luke’s dad waits approximately five seconds after meeting Malissa before starting to flirt with her. He hugs her and when they sit on the couch, he tells her she has Irish eyes. Even Malissa’s not sure what to make of that. Y’all, Luke is making SO MUCH MORE SENSE TO ME having met his dad. If this was one of his primary guy role-models, his bizarre fusion of sleaze and earnestness makes so much sense. Grandma asks Malissa the same question she asked Tali: what’s her favorite thing about Luke? Malissa says Luke’s “just an all-around great guy”. At dinner, Luke’s dad does the “we say grace in this house” thing again, and Malissa–no kidding–actually says, “Oh I love that!” Malissa, STOP KISSING UP. NOBODY “LOVES” SAYING GRACE. DAMN.

Luke’s dad asks about their first meeting, and Luke says he was originally into Malissa because she’s hot, but then he got to know her, and he liked her anyway. Luke’s dad is clearly, almost embarrassingly enamored with Malissa. There could be cartoon hearts floating around his head right now. In his own confession, he states that Malissa would fit right into their family, no problem. This is probably true. Later, the boys are drinking beers outside and Luke’s dad says to Luke that it’s an “easy decision”. Luke’s dad is all about Team Malissa. I will forgive him, because it’s obvious he just hasn’t heard the Good News about Our Savior Tali yet, and Tali would want me to resist any unChristian urges to call him a slack-jawed ignoramus, as my husband has chosen to do.

In the meantime, Grandma is chatting with Malissa, whom she seems to like a whole lot. Grandma tells Malissa she seems “so well-balanced” and asks for a hug. Aww, Grandma!

In the backyard, Luke is taking on his dad’s anti-Tali sentiments. His dad is basically telling him there’s no comparison between Malissa and Tali, and Luke rightly asks him to not compare them, but instead to give his opinion as if Luke was only dating Malissa right now. Dad feels like he got Malissa right away, like he’s “known her my whole life”, and Luke says yeah, Tali’s a little more introverted, but he likes that about her. Then his dad says, quote: “Whoever you decide is going to be the one for you in your life, it needs to be someone like Malissa,” in other words, someone who’s ethnically white and non-Jewish, like us. Luke’s face right now speaks volumes. Dad says, “I just want you to think about it, I’m not trying to cram it down your throat” at which point Luke interrupts to say he doesn’t know how else to take that. Luke seems sad and uncomfortable here, even when he laughs. Poor Luke.

Wait, did I just say “poor Luke”? Clip below.

Luke and Malissa part ways, and Luke confesses that he’s really looking forward to the laydeez meeting his mom, because he’s really close to her and “she knows me better than anyone else in my life.” Luke is sort of overwrought in this confession, running his hands through his hair and taking his trademark Deep Breaths. He says, for the millionth time, how hard this decision is. Well yeah, kinda, except you get to be the guy with every assurance that the laydee you choose isn’t going to turn you down.

And now we return to Flabby Manor. Malissa tells Tali she’s not happy to be back in that bedroom with her, “but no offense”. She confesses that she and Tali are like “night and day” but she’s still feeling extremely confident. Baaaad sign for Malissa, folks. If there’s anything we’ve learned from this show, it’s that it loves to punish confident women.

Suddenly, Luke’s mom is at the door! And the laydeez are still in their jammies! How embarrassing, and even Mom confessions that she felt bad about it. They let her in and make her coffee. When they sit down in the kitchen, Malissa starts talking about being in school for interior design (again, this would have been interesting if we’d heard it earlier) and it seems she talks without stopping for quite a bit, while Tali sits quietly and looks vaguely uncomfortable. Then, Malissa says, “I said this to his dad and his brother yesterday, but I wanted to say it to you too: thank you so much, for raising such a great guy!” Oh Malissa, can’t you just be genuine and not a total suck-up for once? Mom looks… slightly unimpressed, and maybe even a little amused. Mom then says that all that is really “in Luke’s fabric as a person” and that she can’t take credit for it. Hmm. I might like Mom, in spite of her Sarah Palin glasses. Malissa then confessions that Luke’s mom “had, um, a different way about her, than the rest of the family. It’s really hard to figure out what she’s looking for.” I’d hazard a guess here that Mom’s looking for you to be not overly concerned with satisfying what you think Mom’s “looking for”, but for you to be honest and authentic even if what you have to say may not be what Mom’s expecting or even wanting to hear.

With the threesome still sitting at the kitchen table, Mom moves on to Tali. Tali’s disclosure about being from Israel gets a delighted smile from Mom. Then Mom asks Tali what she’s doing for work, and Tali says she started modeling a year ago…… and suddenly Malissa feels the need to mumble something, get up, and go start messing with a tray of giant mutant biscuits baking in the oven. This totally cuts Tali off in mid-sentence and redirects everyone’s attention back to Malissa. Mom pointedly asks Malissa if she needs help, or something, and starts to stand up, and Malissa says no, she’s fine, she’s going to put this here and that there and blah blah blah. This whole sequence is edited to make it look like Malissa’s totally Mom-blocking Tali and trying to keep the attention on herself. I ain’t saying that’s what happened; I’m saying that’s what it LOOKS like happened. Malissa confesses that showing her “nurturing” side to her “future mother-in-law” is good politics. Aw man, Malissa, I don’t know if you’re being unfairly cut to look unlikeable, but you really are unlikeable right now. Tali volunteers to Mom that she’s not so great in the kitchen, so she’s told Luke that she’ll do the dishes if he cooks. “Teamwork!” says Tali. Luke’s mom smiles and says, “Hey, if a woman can get a man to cook for her, she’s doing something.” Malissa butts in awkwardly and says, “Well, I enjoy cooking, so I’m sure him and I would take turns.” Mom’s expression is pure “UM, OKAY.” Clip below.

Luke is home! And he all but RUNS into his mom’s arms in the kitchen, saying “MOOOM!” Everyone sits down at the kitchen table again, and Luke’s mom tells them that when Luke was little, “he was so beautiful that everyone thought he was a girl. And they’d say, ‘Oh, your little girl is so cute!’–” Luke interrupts here to say, “This is so embarrassing,” and I am embarrassed too because I HAVE THE SAME STORY except in my case everyone thought I was a boy. I don’t like having things in common with Luke! They move on to the all-important question of Tali’s not being Christian. Mom asks her the how-will-you-raise-your-kids question again and Tali answers in basically the same way she did before, saying she thinks it’s mostly important for kids to grow up believing in something greater than themselves, the unspoken extension of this line of thinking being that the form it takes is malleable. Tali then asks Luke’s mom straight-up whether she thinks it’s possible for two people of different faiths to spend their lives together and Luke’s mom says, “I do, I do believe it, I’ve seen it.” Tali’s relief is palpable, and written all over her face. Luke’s mom asks them about why they each chose to come on this show. Tali says she did it as much to demonstrate that “love comes in all shapes and sizes” and “it’s very important to me to put that message out that there is love for everybody, and people should just respect you for who you are.” Nice, Tali! Now you, Malissa: “For me, I did it on a whim–” OOOOH, WE GET A SPOOKY MUSIC CUE HERE! “–You know, everything just happened so fast, I got caught up in the excitement, and here I am, one of the final two…” and Malissa refers to herself and Tali as the “main characters” which sounds as if she doesn’t realize this show isn’t a movie. The shot they use of Mom here is one that says I AM NOT IMPRESSED. At the end, Malissa tacks on, “But really I did it for the experience!” Malissa confessions that it’s pretty plain that Mom likes Tali better.

Mom wants to talk to Tali privately, and off they go so Luke and Malissa can talk about their favorite toothpaste, or whatever. Tali tells Mom the story of arriving in New York, getting off the plane, putting on her best outfit and heels and taking forty copies of her resume and walking around NYC for nine hours looking for work, and it’s damn compelling. It’s hard not to respect Tali for that. She says she likes modeling because she can be a role model for teenagers, which is kind of awesome given the lack of real size-positivity in this show so far. Mom may be edging into Team Tali at this time.

Then it’s Malissa’s turn for mom-time. Malissa mentions that her mom died when she was ten, and Luke’s mom is all “but she’s always with you,” and it’s sort of sweet. Malissa basically spends this conversation waiting for Luke’s mom to say something about Luke so she can then talk about how much she likes that thing. Mom confesses that Malissa seems like “a well-rounded woman” but that “thinking of her as a future daughter-in-law seems premature to me, at this point.” TEAM TALI FTW!

Now Luke gets to sit down with his own Mom. Luke loves his mom! He holds her hand and his whole body relaxes. It’s adorable and hilarious. This is another instance in which Luke, placed in the company of a smart woman, becomes momentarily likeable and relatable. Mom has great things to say about Tali, and calls her “awesome” and says she’d be “an asset” to our Luke. She describes Malissa as “lighter-hearted” which is incredibly diplomatic. Luke asks Mom what she thinks would be “different” about him and Malissa being together, and his Mom gives him a hearty serving of silence, eventually smiling at him like a Mom does when she’s got a strong opinion but is resisting the urge to force her will upon you. Haha, nice. Way to say volumes without speaking a word, Mom.

And thus concludes the first hour of this preposterously long finale.

INTERMEZZO.

Part two.

Tali preps for her final date with Luke. She’s wearing a gold satin dress with a wide black patent dress and capri leggings and heels. I’ve not been thrilled with a lot of the fashion choices on this show, but this isn’t so bad. Whilst they limo to the restaurant, Luke confessions about his worries that his family’s scared Tali off, and Tali confessions that she’s still holding back her feelings from Luke because she’s been burned so many times before. It’s sort of difficult to believe this is the same woman who was pretty much invisible for the first six episodes or so.

Luke asks Tali was she thinks of his mom, and she says, genuinely, “I love her,” and mentions Mom’s open-mindedness and down-to-earth-ness. Luke then brings up the difference between how his dad asked about her “background” and religion and how his mom asked, which really is a night and day difference. Honestly, I’m sort of bewildered that Luke’s parents were ever married, as they seem like such totally contradictory personalities. Tali is very diplomatic in her reply, saying that she needed to meet Luke’s mom in order to get the whole picture of his family. Luke proceeds to ask about whether Tali would consider moving to California from New York, and Tali is surprised that he’s still worried about this. Luke says, “Well, I don’t want you to give up your dream,” and Tali responds, “I’m not giving up my dream, I’m just changing the location and how I get there.” Well played, Tali. I still worry that Luke will struggle with having a career-minded laydee in his life but I am also an optimist and want to think he’s not beyond hope. YOU CAN FIX HIM, TALI! It’s the foundation for many a marriage!

They have an easy conversation, until Tali talks about knowing she can’t ask him questions about Malissa, and knowing that he can’t give her answers that’ll satisfy her. There is some quiet talking (I think Tali kept covering her mic, inadvertently or intentionally) about “the right decision”; when Luke asks who that would be, Tali reluctantly says, “She’s probably sitting right next to you.” After a moment, Luke goes in for a kiss–at least he held the moment!–but before we get there, Tali stops with her face an inch from his and says, incredibly quietly, looking deep into Luke’s eyes: “I love you.” It’s kind of intense; Tali herself is kind of intense. What’s more, Luke says, “I love you, too.” OH SHIT Y’ALL, IS SOMETHING HAPPENING? I feel like I just woke up! My heart’s beating again! There’s music playing! Tali then says, quietly enough to require subtitles, “I love you so much, I wanted to wait but I can’t…” I really wasn’t expecting this, and it’s really a very romantic moment–romantic enough that even a romance-challenged person such as myself can smile and think, awwwww.

ALL TOGETHER, MY DEAR EMBITTERED READERS: AWWWWW.

Tali confessions, “It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this. I’ve been in love before, but never like this.” After the kiss, Tali is practically giddy, and tells Luke, “I can’t believe this is actually happening.” Luke asks what’s happening, and Tali says, “Something I gave up on. A long time ago.” OH WOW Y’ALL IT’S LIKE THIS IS WHAT THE SHOW WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT. Clip below.

Now it’s Luke’s final date with Malissa, who’s wearing a very cute pink-and-red print dress. They limo to an outdoor eating location, and on the ride over, have more content-free conversation with lots of awkward pauses. Then they eat together and it’s more of the same. Luke says, “Don’t be bashful, tell me what’s in your heart,” and Malissa says “You are.” And there’s a pause, and Luke looks at Malissa kind of intensely, like he’s waiting for more, and Malissa looks back half-confused, half-sincere, like she just doesn’t get what he wants from her. Honestly, Luke’s usually-blank stare is looking kind of emotion-y here. Malissa goes on to say, “I guess what I’m scared about most is I don’t want to be wrong. I don’t want to be wrong about what I’m thinking and feeling, and tomorrow I’ll find out.” Wait, WHAT? Girlfriend, this is the part where you’re supposed to spill your guts out on the table and pledge your everlasting devotion, and you’re scared of being WRONG?

I think Luke looks disappointed, but I could be projecting. Malissa then, seemingly apropos of nothing, says “If you asked me to marry you, yes, yes, a thousand times yes.” Now Luke seems happy! Kissing! Then Malissa blabbers on about feeling special and stuff, and there is MORE NOISY KISSING. Malissa confessions, “When Luke and I kiss, it’s like weight, and everything, doesn’t matter!” It’s also like a thousand people people kissing at once, REALLY LOUDLY. Then Malissa tells Luke she loves him, and I suspect both laydeez were coached to make this announcement during the final date, as it seems like a set-up. Then Malissa, self-referential as ever, says like oh wow that’s such a load off my chest! Luke confessions: “I felt Malissa’s sincerity tonight on a whole other level.” It sure would have been nice if they’d shown us that part. Maybe the editors really DO hate Malissa. Clip below, including some noisy-smacky kissing.

Now, we have half an hour of show left to kill before the elimination. Luke wakes up in the morning and rolls out of bed. Apparently Luke sleeps in board shorts, which is seriously information I didn’t need to know. The laydeez get up too. Everybody goes through morning prep stuff. Coffee-drinking, hair-brushing. Et cetera. Over all this a really catchy tune is playing that I will have to look up later.

Luke is going to shop for engagement rings for his chosen laydee. This sequence is supposed to be teasing us, I think, but it just feels tacked-on and pointless. He tells the jewelry-lady at the jewelry-store that he’s actually shopping for two different prospective laydeez and the jewelry-lady has the wherewithal to not look appalled; of course it probably helps that she’s been prepped by a producer beforehand.

Meanwhile, Malissa is off to a salon for a haircut. Malissa walks in and responds to the cute stylist-guy like she’s never been in a salon before in her life; she’s sort of stiff and awkward. I wonder what that’s about. Back at the jewelry shop, the jewelry-lady is telling some dumbass story about the diamonds in one of the rings Luke’s checking out. Hey jewelry-lady, make sure you tell us how many people died for each diamond, too! That will totally add some extra romance to the situation. Tali is likewise getting her hairs did, but she’s a lot more relaxed under the hands of the cute and personable hair-cutting guy. This whole section of show is 100% grade-A prime padding. There is no new information and not even anything interesting to look at. It’s just filler. Why not just make this episode shorter? It’s to try to drive me insane, isn’t it?

I’m having a severe case of “Are we there yet?” as Luke limos back to the Borehouse. I can has elimination now? Nope. Not yet. Now Luke is sitting down for a chat with Emme. Emme, y’all, I feel like we’ve barely seen her. This conversation is mostly an excuse for Luke to tease us with his as-yet-unrevealed decision, and for Emme to look amazing in blue. Now it’s time for the final two laydeez to each stand in front of a full-length mirror checking themselves out. Malissa is wearing a gorgeous purple maxi dress, and Tali is in a watercolor-print maxi with shiny embellishment at the bust, which I find quite ugly, but whatever makes her happy.

They’ve built a special platform on which this execution is going to take place. And it is spectacular in the worst possible way. It begins on the house-side of the pool and leads to a stretch of yard via a path laid down with bright purple carpeting and festooned with purple chiffon bunting draped between evenly-spaced pillars, on top of each of which is a lit white candle. There is also a ton of hanging plastic crystals and bubbles and obnoxious faux flowers everywhere. It looks like a Pier 1 exploded.

Luke stands on the center purple platform, looking terrified, confessioning about something or other, but I’m not listening anymore because it’s all the same garbage. A limo pulls up out front and Malissa gets out, all beaming and full of hope. She makes the long walk through the house and out past the pool to the housewares clearance-sale extravaganza, and I’m wondering if they made the laydeez get into limos just so they could drive around the block and come back. Malissa meets Luke on center stage, with the real last finally-final ring in a box behind them. Luke is complimentary and kind and sweet, and he says “I do love you,” and Malissa says, “I love you too,” and then Luke says, “But… my heart belongs to somebody else.”

The parade of emotions across Malissa’s face is stunning. There’s despair, disappointment, disbelief, and all with a gentle undercurrent of anger. You have to feel bad for her. They stand together for a moment, and Malissa says, “I just want to go right now.” Luke walks her back to her limo and Malissa says again, “I gotta go, I can’t do this.” There’s no tearful goodbye, there’s just a short hug, and Malissa can’t believe she could have been so wrong.

Even in the limo driving away, Malissa doesn’t let herself cry until a few moments pass, and FINALLY she’s sort of relatable and likeable, all snotty and crying, like her guard just came down, just now, only too late. She says she didn’t expect to fall in love here, “but I did, and I was wrong.”

Back on Purple Mountain, Luke sits down on the purple carpeting and looks really sad. He may even be crying a little, it’s hard to tell. After a moment, though, he’s back on his feet and pulling himself together, as Tali’s limo speeds toward the mansion from wherever she was. Luke confessions that he’s in love and going to propose tonight, and says of Tali: “She loves me, and I feel like we could change the world together.” ARGH, that’s a really cool thing to say. Stop it, Luke. Our front, Tali gets out of the limo and smiles broadly and nervously, like she’s whispering “It’s magic time!” inside her head. She strides through the house and greets Luke breathlessly.

Luke says: “I know life has made it difficult for people like you and I to find love. Over time, I’ve been able to watch your confidence grow. You are such a beautiful, curvy woman.” The Luke gives her the fake-out, telling her they come from different worlds, and that if they were together there’d be obstacles to overcome. But then he recalls the original “promise” of the rings. He says, “You make me a better man.” And it just might be true. We can hope so, for Tali’s sake. Luke gets down on one knee, Tali starts shaking, and Luke asks her to marry him. She whispers yes. And they embrace! And it’s lovely, in spite of the insanity and horror of this revolting show. Even my husband says, “The payoff was worth it.” They kiss and hug and Tali squeals and Luke swings her around, like a MOVIE about FAT PEOPLE who fall in LOVE! Here’s the final reveal, in full:

Tali parts from us, standing with Luke on the mansion’s front steps, saying, “This is for all the big girls out there, who thought they can’t find love, I’m the living proof.” And it’s fitting that an underdog would win a show about underdogs, and I find myself wanting them to be happy, because take away all the Fat Pain and the boredom and these are just people who don’t want to be lonely.

The epilogue.

Since day one, this show has reliably lodged a series of goofy love songs in my head, some of which I’ve shared in my recaps. But the one song I’ve associated with the recapping experience from the very beginning was the sublimely-campy 1983 duet between Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton, “Islands in the Stream”. It’s amusing how fitting–in a snarky, pun-filled way–the lyrics turned out to be, particularly the first verse:

Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside, there was something going on
You do something to me that I cant explain
Hold me closer and I feel no pain
Every beat of my heart
We got something going on
Tender love is blind
It requires a dedication
All this love we feel
Needs no conversation
We ride it together, ah-ah
Making love with each other, ah-ah

With time it became more and more difficult to keep up the humor and bite in these recaps. For one, as those of you who’ve actually watched the episodes know, things got excessively boring about halfway through. For another, as more laydeez got cut, it was ever more challenging to be as hard on the ones that persisted. And I didn’t want this to be exclusively about beating up on these women or on Luke in the hope of getting laughs. I wanted to do these recaps not because I didn’t think anyone else would, but because I wanted there to be an option in which the sneering and the disgust and the fat jokes came from a fat person with an investment in size acceptance.

“Islands in the Stream” is a song about people who fall in love, not a song about fat people who fall in love. And More to Love, in the end, is playing the same tune, even if that wasn’t its original intention. Did we need the endless confessional crying to be made to feel something for these women? Did we need the gratuitous tales of Fat Pain in order to share in the romance and triumph of Luke’s final decision? No. Because fat people are just people. We fall in love and out of love, we’re hurt and we’re happy, we’re successful and we make mistakes, we’re occasionally right and occasionally wrong. Just like everyone else. More to Love was originally promoted as an antidote to the standard Bachelor cast of mostly size-two aspiring models, instead replacing them with a cast of mostly size-sixteen aspiring models. Has it changed us, or changed our culture or changed our world? Probably not. Has it changed the minds of even a couple of people? Maybe, though not in any truly marked way–maybe some folks now feel more accepting of women who are slightly fatter than the size they think most women should be. But this isn’t the revolution. The best possible message you can take away from More to Love is that you shouldn’t hold back on your life because your body doesn’t look the way you or anyone else seems to think it should. And I hope some folks do receive that message, because that will have to be enough.

My dear, beloved, long-suffering friends, I can’t thank you enough for accompanying me on this crazy, crazy journey, relieved though I am that it’s finally over. Watching and recapping this show was far more of a challenge than I ever expected, but I think it was ultimately worthwhile, my glee at knowing I won’t have to do it again anytime soon notwithstanding. This morning I had the joy of waking to find that the sun is up, the birds are singing, I have an email in my inbox from Longhorn Steakhouse advertising “bacon-wrapped steaks” starting at $11.99, and More to Love is finished. It’s going to be a beautiful fat day.

Last week: I had an hilarious nightmare about dancing with Luke Conley and Kate Harding battling MeMe Roth Beat-It style, and the wonderfully talented Fillyjonk saw fit to illustrate it for us all, which you can see in all its furrowed-brow glory here (I am particularly impressed with how well she’s captured Luke; it’s the hair, I think). Also, Luke met some of the laydeez families with awkward and knee-slapping results that should have surprised no one.

Turn around, bright eyes! We begin this week’s episode having been magically whisked away to Hawaii. What, no shots of Luke and the laydeez being forced to buy a second seat for their flab on the airplane? No confessionals of flying-related fat pain? Psshhht, that’s not reality. Hawaii, at least, is beautiful and oh yes, I would like to go lie on that beach right there, yes that one, with a fruity drink please, now, without the hassle of flying whilst fat. No? Fuck. I am still in my living room. I guess More to Love’s Fat Travel Magic only works for those contracted to be on the show.

Luke lingers on a beach taking abnormally deep breaths and voiceovering about how like totally intense this whole experience is, like shyeah. A hundred years ago, when I was in film school, this would have been an object lesson in “show, don’t tell.” Luke standing on a beach sucking in air like an errant whale whilst in voiceover he tells us how intense this is not really showing us anything aside from Luke’s lung capacity and the real prospect that he is, indeed, full of hot air. Is Luke deeply moved? He may very well be, and he may just be the kind of guy who’s not very expressive. That or he truly is a lump of animatronic wax and the climax of the final episode will be when they open his casing to reveal a chimpanzee sittting inside pulling the levers. Now THAT would be a fucking FINALE.

Luke finally gets off Deep-Breathing Beach and reunites with the laydeez at a luau, where they proceed to chow down. For all my endless bitching about this show, seeing people unselfconsciously eating on television is so refreshingly normal, even though the context is clearly the implication that fatties do nothing but gorge themselves on food all day long. Unfortunately, the meal is followed by dancing, and Luke does that same horrifying butt-shaking dance he did at the fat prom. I had hoped, however feebly, that we’d seen the last of Luke’s ass-dance, but no such luck. Luke then breaks the news that this luau is their final group date. Mandy is especially stoked, pumping her fists and twirling. Damn, y’all, this show might actually finish its entire run! But not before taking us on some of the most boring fucking dates ever to be committed to digital media.

Date the first is with Malissa. Friends, I haven’t mentioned this before, but it’s particularly apparent right now so I have to say something: if there was a fat-anatomy encyclopedia, Malissa would illustrate the entry for Rack of Doom. Like, I don’t find Malissa attractive at all, but her massive bosoms are wildly distracting, and this is not helped by her penchant for low-cut tops. I ain’t telling her to cover up — I’d never do that — but they are hypnotic and foreign to a tinyboobed woman as myself. I can’t believe we haven’t seen a big CENSORED blob over her chest once yet, when so many of her tops are visiting the outskirts of Nippleville. This must be what double-sided tape is for.

Malissa and Luke are having their date at some kind of seaquarium deal. Think Sea World, but Hawaiian. There are penguins, there are seals, there are dolphins. When one seal licks another, Malissa makes a comment about them “making out” and Luke, like Pavlov’s dog hearing the sound of the bell, immediately goes in for the latch. They disengage long enough to watch some animals perform, and then as the “surprise” they swim with some dolphins. Malissa says the words “riding the dolphin” like four times and I laugh uncontrollably every time, because I am 12.

Picnic time. Luke confessions he’s “having the time of my life here with Malissa, but if my relationship with Malissa’s going to go to the next step, it has to go from just enjoying each other’s company, to being vulnerable with each other.” A-ha, yhere we have the delicate line between Fuck Buddy and Life Partner. Tread carefully, Luke! On the picnic blanket together, Luke tells Malissa he’s taking a risk here too, and opening himself up, and he literally gets a blank smile from Malissa. There are moments when their dates play out like scenes cut from Mannequin (which was, full disclosure, one of my very favorite movies as a preteen, so shut up). Luke clears his throat awkwardly and then asks her how she sees them together in “real life”. Malissa’s smooth response? “I don’t know.” She’s trying to imagine it. Um. Luke then says, rightly so, that any relationship after the show isn’t going to be all helicoptering to vineyards for lunch and buckets of champagne and “riding the dolphin”. Malissa tries give him the answer he wants–oh all that stuff doesn’t matter to me, silly!–but Luke confessions that he is dubious. He states that their dinner tonight is probably going to make or break Malissa in the competition, as Luke is starting to wonder whether Malissa’s actually in this because she wants a relationship with him, or because she just wants to “win” the competition. Insight, from Luke? What? Did somebody put something in my drink? Clip below.

They seem to be at a Japanese steakhouse for dinner, but nobody’s cooking. Luke confessions he wants some “straight answers” from Malissa, and when they sit down to talk, Malissa acknowledges this is their “last” solo date and so she ought to be saying everything she’s wanted to say to him. Except once they are together, “but then we get like lost and staring into each other’s eyes and everything and it’s just like I forget everything, I forget what I need to say, or whatever.” I’m starting to wonder if all of Luke’s and Malissa’s dates really have been as content-free as they’ve been portrayed. Luke responds, “Okay, so I’ll look over here, and you just start telling me what you want to say.” Malissa laughs and says he’s so funny! Hee!

Suddenly things get sort of odd when Luke asks Malissa, more or less in code, about his being the only fat guy she’s ever dated. It starts off pretty relaxed but when Luke presses, Malissa gets a little abrupt and basically goes AND WHAT? I think she means it to be reassuring but it reads to me as unexpectedly defensive. Or possibly Malissa’s just not in a place where this is something she wants to acknowledge or talk about. At any rate, she’s very resistant to the subject, and we see a side of her that’s more than just girlish giggling and blank staring. She tells Luke not to worry about it, that it’s not an issue, but it sure seems like it could be. Malissa finally says of Luke’s size, “It suits you, it’s you,” which is actually a tiny encapsulation of like 99% of size acceptance activism, so at least we have that moment. Luke claims that he’s worried about his feeeeelings and being rejected and he’s worried that Malissa is going to break his fragile clockwork heart. Luke’s feeling all vulnerable and shit, which is a welcome change from the usual insecurity and self-doubt we’ve exclusively been getting from the laydeez for the past several weeks. Yes, now we see that all fat people have fat pain, some of them just hide it longer. Malissa, still trying to reassure him, says, “Really, I’m like, Luke? Is mine.” Like she’s got this ish SEWN UP, y’all. Enough, can we now get someone out here to drop some chicken and shrimp on that hibachi table and start throwing vegetables around? I love the thing they do where they toss a piece of food up in the air and catch it in their chef hat. Clip below.

Luke tells Malissa that he hopes she doesn’t mind, but he’s asked them to bring “dessert” back to “his place.” I am deeply concerned that the dessert in question is not the kind you eat. Shudder. Malissa, like all fatties, is blinded by the promise of sweets and off they go to Luke’s hotel room. They start on the couch–this show loves to suggest the asses of all fat people are magnetically drawn to the nearest couch, doesn’t it?–and kiss a bit, and then self-consciously move to the bed, which is strewn with rose petals. Seriously. Fucking rose petals. Listen carefully, and off camera, you can hear a producer instruct: NO PRESSURE, BUT IF YOU’D LIKE TO DRY HUMP A LITTLE–I MEAN STUFF WE CAN SHOW ON NETWORK TV–THAT’D BE GREAT. I MEAN WHATEVER YOU’RE COMFORTABLE WITH. (Husband: “Are there like, robot cameras or something?” Me: “No.” Husband: “There’s a CAMERA GUY in there with them?” Me: “And probably a sound guy too.” Husband: “That is fucked up.” Me: “Oh no, it’s totally glamorous and romantic and the sure path to true love!”) They make out a bit, and Malissa observes that Luke seems distracted. Luke tells her that given his crazy “physical attraction” to her (for the record, I am so sick of all these code words for “throbbing erection”), he’s worried that she has the greatest potential to break his heart. Malissa smiles at this in a really satisfied way. Cue music: And we can build this dream together! Standing strong forever! Nothing’s gonna stop us now! More noisy-smacky making out. Luke confessions that “I really feel close to Malissa at this point, it’s going to be difficult to put that out of my mind,” for his other dates. We fade out to edited-together sex-groans from the two of them. Booooooring. Nothing less than the sound of a whip cracking and Luke squealing like a pig would interest me in this pairing at this point.

The next day, Luke confessions that the night before he aired out all his concerns to Malissa and is now satisfied that she’s in this competition for him and not just for the humilation and/or personal growth. That’s our Luke, an ace judge of character! Luke says he’s basically decided Malissa’s the one for him… at least until the next pretty girl comes into view. Oh, it’s Tali! Hi Tali. There is hugging and kissing immediately. Luke confessions that Tali “was in the Navy in Israel” so he’s real excited about going sailing with her. But in one of this show’s few moments of true comedy, it turns out Tali is actually terrified of water and the ocean. “I was in the Navy, but I’m not an ocean fan. My job was like, in a bunker,” Tali tells Luke. I don’t know why, but this cracks me up. In confession, she goes further and states that water is her “biggest fear” and that she hasn’t been in the ocean since she was twelve. Oh man, poor Tali.

Tali’s also still unhappy about being in a swimsuit, AGAIN. BUT she’s in it to win it and is going to be brave, and both wear the fucking swimsuit and deal with being on the fucking ocean. Go, Tali, go! You are growing, girl! To her credit, Tali is trying really hard to fake it and though she keeps saying “it’s great!” as she looks out over the water while the boat motors along, she’s shaking with nerves. Luke tells her the plan was for them to go snorkling, ostensibly (and kindly) leaving her an out to put the kabosh on that idea. Luke confessions that if he’d known about Tali’s fear, he would have planned a different date for them, but I don’t for a single moment believe that Luke plans these dates on his own without massive input from the producers, so I am skeptical. Meanwhile, at the snorkling suggestion, Tali almost loses it completely. She’s terrified. But, she’s set on doing it, and with Luke’s help she manages to get in the water and eventually let go of the ladder to swim together. Luke is actually pretty kind-hearted and supportive during this whole thing and it’s admirable and likeable. Tali is super proud of herself for doing it, and this is a sweet moment of accomplishment. How swell would it have been, if only this show had more moments like this. Clip below.

Tali and Luke reunite for dinner. Tali confessions that today she faced her biggest fear, and that Luke was there for her “110 percent”. At dinner, Tali expresses her gratitude to Luke for helping her. Tali, in spite of her insecurity and jealousy, is probably the most Like a Grown Up of the final three, and easily the most intelligent, if our carefully-edited views of the remaining laydeez are to be relied upon. Dinner brings us an unexpectedly genuine moment in which Tali tells Luke she’s trying to hang in and not think about the possibility that Luke is falling for someone else. Then she catches herself and says, “I mean, I don’t know, you’ve never said that you’re falling for me.” There’s a pause and Tali looks away, maybe fishing for reassurance, maybe just embarrassed, and Luke says, “Look at me,” and when she does there’s another pause. And then Luke says to Tali, as believably as may be possible for him, “I am falling for you,” and what’s that? What’s that feeling, in my chest? Is it… my heart? Is that cold dead rock of a withered organ gently stirring? And then they kiss and I’m not even grossed out by it (probably because it is not the NOISY SMACKING that Malissa favors, but still). How rarely have we seen kissing that came at an appropriate moment and not just jammed into every encounter at awkward intervals! An uplifting tale of overcoming a phobia, and then a possibly-genuine moment of romantic connection, all on one date! I may have just joined Team Tali. (My husband, for his part, asserts that Tali is the most interesting and challenging of the three and thus would make the best wife. Aww, good boy.)

Luke then asks Tali if she’d like to go back to his room, and she inquires, hilariously, “Are… we… going?” with a sideways glance at the sound guy probably sitting under the table right now, as though she’s asking if they’re going to get some real alone time, as opposed to alone-time-with-a-camera-crew-taping-the-whole-thing. I think Luke’s caught off guard because he’s all “uh yeah, I want to show you my room.” BECAUSE WE CAN’T TALK ABOUT THE CAMERAS, FOLKS. THE CAMERAS AREN’T THERE. Tali says, “Fun! I didn’t bring my jammies, though.” And in this moment I FALL IN LOVE WITH TALI. She said “jammies”! Come here Tali, I want to hug you. Clip below, showing the possibly-sweet moment through to “jammies”.

The two of them sack out on the floor beside the jacuzzi tub and drink champagne. Tali says, “We always toast to More to Love, but tonight I want to toast to one love.” Yeah, let’s get together and feeeel alllllriiiiight. They get into the tub eventually–in swimwear–and kiss some more and Luke gives Tali a foot rub. Then, SHOCKER, he asks Tali to stay the night. OHHHHH SHIT Y’ALL. THERE IS GOING TO BE MAYBE FAT SEX. TO SOME DEGREE. POSSIBLY. Tali says yes, and then confessions that she’s “not going to even think about what I do or don’t do, I’ll just go for it.” Luke, unsheath your sword and prepare for battle! Luke confessions about Tali’s gorgeousness, again, and I wonder if he’s just got no vocabulary for describing his feelings for a laydee without referring to her appearance. I want to believe that Luke has more depth but he sure ain’t making it easy.

There’s got to be a morning after, even in Hawaii, but we get no details on how they solved Tali’s jammies quandry, nor on Luke and Tali’s evening of maybe-passion. Luke’s meeting Mandy for their final date, and he confesses that Mandy’s been “at the top of his list” which is baffling to both me and the husband. Not that I dislike Mandy, I’m just surprised to hear this; while Mandy does hit all the right insecurity/neediness points for Luke, she lacks the BOW-WOKACHICKA-BOW factor he’s also seemed to prefer. They’re going for an ATV ride, which looks like a lot of fun. They drive around for awhile and enjoy nature on their screaming pollution-spewing machines and get covered in dirt. Yay! Luke wants to get past Mandy’s guardedness and unravel her secrets, and what better time to do this than over lunch. Luke asks if she has any concerns, and Mandy says, “How can you make a really sound decision inside of this situation?” Luke responds, “You think it’s possible for me to make a mistake?” Dare she doubt Luke’s omniscience? To the gallows! Mandy responds, “I think mistake is a strong word,” but suggests that it’s always possible there are aspects of people you can’t really get to know, given the limits of this weird-ass scenario. Oooh, criticizing the genre! Mandy cannot be allowed to survive now, even if it means a producer has to take her out into the woods and shoot her.

Later, Luke and Mandy meet up to catch a limo for the evening portion of their date. Mandy tells Luke she likes his “white suit”, but it’s not actually a suit. Luke is wearing a white sportcoat, which in and of itself is not a fashion crime so long as you don’t mind looking like Tom Wolfe, but it’s overly long, and as a result instead he looks like a doctor.

Dr. Luke confessions that Mandy’s “having a hard time keeping it together and focusing on me” when they’re together, WHICH CANNOT STAND. LUKE’S LAYDEE MUST BE THINKING ONLY OF HIM AT ALL TIMES. Rather, Luke says Mandy’s overly concerned with her competition. He wants her to relaaaaaaax, man. Cut to Mandy confessioning that she’s nervous! She likes Luke a lot! Gee! They hang out on a boat and chat about the ATVs from earlier and being covered in dirt and Mandy confessions that Luke is “very calm” so she’s trying to tone it down a bit. Luke asks Mandy if she thought on the first night they met that she’d be here in Hawaii with him right now, and she says she had no idea. Luke says, “Yeah, there’s been a lot of nice moments between us,” which seems to be a cue for Mandy to kiss him. Like a good little soldier, Mandy complies.

They then move to an air mattress for makeout times. I hope somebody’s checked the weight capacity on that thing. Luke asks Mandy if she could see herself being married to him, and Mandy says, “Yes, I can see it.” She confesses she wants Luke to feel assured that if he asks her to marry him at the end, that she will say yes. Mandy then confesses, “I’m not scared of love, I’m scared of rejection,” which may be the most obvious thing anyone’s yet said on this whole show. Luke says in his own confession: “It was a really beautiful moment, we shared our hearts with each other and we shared some really passionate kisses, and what that kiss was saying to me is that she’s into me, and I was into it too.” As he says this, air-mattress-reclining Dr. Luke gazes salaciously at Mandy’s rack. I keep rewinding the DVR but am missing the beautiful moment. I guess you had to be there. Clip below, with noisy kissing.

Luke then asks Mandy if she’ll “stay out here with me tonight, to enjoy the stars” and Mandy says yes. I am not quite believing they’re going to have the sex on an Aerobed open to the outdoors, though that would be pretty awesome. Mandy confesses, “I am dead sure that this is the man I’m supposed to marry.” Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, you have sealed your fate with this outburst, darling. Never say you are dead sure about anything in this crazy world! Live like a carefree nomad, let the wind determine your direction, be wild and free like a fat stallion thundering majestically across the great vast prairies of life!

As their date winds down, Luke confessions that he’s going to have to make his toughest decision yet. Like every other decision so far. (In the meantime, I’ve decided if this show were happeneing in Archie comics, Malissa would be Veronica, Mandy would be Betty, and Tali would be the overly-exoticized foreign exchange student. Though I think of Luke more as a Reggie Mantle type than Archie himself. NO NO WAIT! LUKE IS TOTALLY MOOSE MASON!)

The next day, Luke/Moose is looking intensely out at the ocean again. He says he’s feeling light-headed. I’m frankly surprised if anyone on this show has any blood left, considering the amount of alcohol they seem to consume. He doesn’t want to break anyone’s heart, but he’ll do it anyway, though it “hurts me on the inside.” He says, “It’s tough to realize that a woman who at one point I thought could be my wife is not going to get a ring back today.” And already it’s ring-collection time. No more cocktail parties, kids! This is Serious Business from here on out. And here’s Emme to–OH MY GOD WHAT IS EMME WEARING. It’s like she just made a narrow escape from a guest-starring role on Dynasty and didn’t have time to change. LET US NOT SPEAK OF IT. I will just continue to think of Emme as a time-traveling life coach or something, a la Quantum Leap (Oh boy!), and be content with that explanation.

So who’s going to be the roasted pig at this luau? Luke tells the final three laydeez that this decision wasn’t easy, but somebody’s got to go on the spit. The last two laydeez standing will be going home with Luke to meet his family. Ring #1! Goes to! Tali! Thank god, I would not have had enough brutal words for Luke if he spent the night with her and then sent her home. Talk about not buying the cow. As we begin the interminable wait for the second ring-getter to be announced, Luke confesses that he’s anxious and worried about regretting his decision: “This is going to be a very tough goodbye, and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to handle it.” Luke mops his sweaty brow. And announces! Ring #2! Goes to! Malissa! Whaaaat? I’m sort of surprised. Even Malissa looks like she might shed a tear. Mandy doesn’t even make eye contact with Luke as he hugs her goodbye and walks her out. Clip below.

While the limo carries her away, we are treated to a special extended version of Mandy’s pain, while she cries for the loss of their hypothetical life together. Thanks, show! You bastards. “I don’t know why it happened… I just have to live with that.” Oh Mandy, once upon a time you were falling in love, now you’re only falling apart. Nothing you can do, a total eclipse of the heart.

Next week: in the final episode, the last two laydeez meet Luke’s family,and Luke makes his choice. Luke’s mom seems especially intriguing. CAN YOU STAND IT? Also I am seriously going to order Mannequin on DVD right now. Don’t judge me.

Gather round, friends fat and otherwise, and I shall tell you how More to Love is slowly devouring my will to live. This travesty of a television program has burrowed so deeply into my subconscious that — chillingly — last night I had a More to Love-related dream. In this dream I was a contestant on a sort of fat-blogger version of Dancing with the Stars, and I was paired with none other than detestable lummox Luke Conley. We were supposed to do a paso doble, but I was a total bitch to him and he was a ragingly passive-aggressive asshole back and so there was much Reality TV Drama over whether we’d get our shit together enough for the performance.

But that is not the punch line. The punch line is that the fabulous and whip-smart Kate (who is, incidentally, guest blogging at Jezebel this week) was also in this dream. Kate’s dance partner was none other than MeMe Roth, and they were tasked with reproducing the knife fight from the “Beat It” video. This is one of those times where I fervently wish that either I had a talent for drawing myself, or a great illustrator on staff at Fatshionista, because the epic dance battle I dreamed between Kate and MeMe cannot adequately be described using mere words. Dream-Kate was like a fat ninja, though sadly I woke up before I could see her dispatch MeMe to hell, which in MeMe’s case would probably involve Fat Satan’s minions rubbing their bellies on her while forcing her to eat food that is of dubious nutritional value.

Last time on More to Love: Luke made out with many laydeez. The intro montage would have us believe that nothing else happened, but we know better.

Now, my pets, we approach the really draggy endgame of More to Love, since it appears henceforth we shall be losing but one laydee per episode. I remain perplexed by the producers’ decision to dispense with so many laydeez so rapidly, and so early on; all this has done is leave us a glut of episodes from which all the most interesting characters have been meticulously scrubbed. Is it possible that Anna, Mandy, Malissa, and Tali are all, in fact, deeply engaging people? Sure, but my money’s on our never finding out for sure. Now, this show is likely to devolve (further) into your standard gross-out Bachelor fare; it almost ceases to matter that the women involved are slightly larger than some other women, as the song they’re playing is the same. Bitch Lauren, your mathmatically-challenged, complusively-mispronouncing-multisyllabic-words brand of haterism is sorely, sorely missed. Kristian, the loss of your sweet and wild-eyed LOVE YOOOOU TV BOYFRIEND idealism renders this experience even more soulless and vapid than it was before. And I am still upset that Arianne–who, when the first amphibians first crawled out of the ocean and onto the land, was present to lovingly mop their little amphibious brows, feverish with the evolutionary effort, and to offer words of kind encouragement–got cut before she could do a loving tribute to Liza Minelli, or at least before we saw her in a sequin-spangled top hat, or at least before we got to see her dressed up as Jerry Sizzler for More to Love’s special Halloween episode, Henhouse of Horror. But perhaps poet Carl Sandburg said it best: “I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes, so live not in your yesterdays, no just for tomorrow, but in the here and now. Keep moving and forget the post mortems; and remember, no one can get the jump on the future.” The laydeez of yore are gone but not forgotten. Now, let us get on with the pig jokes.

This week, all four laydeez get one-on-one dates, and their families will be there to surprise them. But they don’t know that! Hence the surprise. Luke observes that it’s been ten years since they all entered the House of Blues–or at least it feels that long–and so the laydeez are missing their families a lot.

Tali gets first crack at Luke on the solo date train. They’re going to race go-karts! Here I feel compelled to relate my own go-kart-related Fat Pain. When you’re fat and driving a go-kart, you typically go way slower than lighter people even when the little go-kart engine is working at top speed, as your fat ass requires a lot more go-kart energy to haul around the track. Which means you always lose. How many times I have “raced” go-karts with my friends only to be the slow fat tortoise bringing up the rear. Slow and steady did not win any races for me. Luckily both Luke and Tali are fat, and they have the whole track to themselves, so maybe that will level the playing field a bit. Once Luke manages to shoehorn himself into his go-kart (been there!), they get to racing. Luke is impressed by Tali’s sudden competitiveness, which I suppose, IS sort of impressive considering we’ve basically never met Tali before the last episode. However, given that what we have heard from Tali thus far has mostly been whinging about feeling jealous I don’t think her competitive streak should come as a surprise to anyone. Luke is like totally impressed though. It’s as if Tali is a real live girl!

Tali confessions, both before and during the go-karts, that she has lots of Fat Pain. Because she’s fat. And it hurts.

Post-race, Tali and Luke sit down for a romantic go-kart-track-side meal. Tali’s aunt and uncle turn up in the guise of waitstaff; Tali is so distracted by the presence of food–Tali herself cops to this in confession–that she doesn’t even realize it’s her family at first. Of course she cries when she figures out oh hey, I know these people. Her aunt, who appears Israeli, asks Luke how he feels about the cultural differences between them, and Luke mumbles a vague answer like an errant schoolboy who hasn’t done the reading. Tali’s uncle, who appears not to be Israeli, has some thoughtful suggestions for Luke on the reality that their cultural difference may not seem so intimidating now, but if, for example, Luke were to visit Israel with Tali, problems and assumptions about religion and class that Luke wasn’t even aware he had might suddenly arise. Luke tries to appear thoughtful at this but fails utterly – I imagine in his head he’s imagining a monkey in a fez driving a go-kart in tight circles, Homer-Simpson-style. Uncle Leo, who may or may not be related to Jerry Seinfeld, confessions that it’s possible Tali’s family wouldn’t accept Luke as her husband owing to his lumbering pasty WASPYness.

Tali confessions she’s worried about the heavy stuff Uncle Leo’s laying on Luke, that it may intimidate him. YEAH TALI, IT PROBABLY WILL, BUT WOULDN’T YOU RATHER FIND THAT OUT NOW? Seriously, would you prefer Luke just blindly enter in a relationship with you and ignore any potential roadblocks such that our possible breakup will be even more drawn out and excruciating when and if the time comes? These laydeez, they are occasionally not so smart. She tells her aunt privately that when Luke looks at her, she gets “chills up my spine”.

Meanwhile, on their own, Uncle Leo is counseling Luke on the fact that Tali’s family is very religious. Uncle Leo says he and Tali’s aunt felt a lot of pressure from her family, and that “it can work on your mind” when you’re constantly getting the message from the family of someone you love that you’re not good enough for them. Luke asks if that happened to Uncle Leo, and he says, yes, “big time”. I like Uncle Leo! He seems intelligent and well-mannered and entirely sane, which is a welcome respite from the ridiculousness of this perverted multi-laydee household. Luke confesses he’s “concerned”. Tali also confesses that her aunt and uncle brought up “sharp questions, and now I’m really scared.” But, she recognizes she can’t change her cultural background so Luke’s either going to have to commit to dealing with their differences or send her on her way. Clip below.

Mandy’s solo date is next, and it’s clear that in Kristian’s absence we are now meant to identify Mandy as the House Crazy. Mandy, whilst doing her hair, tells the other laydeez she’s hoping their date involves something “calming”. Malissa asks Mandy what she thinks her “strongest connection” with Luke is; Mandy says, “I feel like it’s smarter for us all to keep what we feel is bonding us the most to ourselves.” Malissa presses the issue and Mandy supposedly slams down the curling iron she’s using as a response. This whole interaction is obviously being edited to create the appearance of drama, which I know reality shows often do, but rarely have I seen it managed so half-assedly. Mandy confessions, “I’ve been living with Malissa for awhile now, and I definitely think she is [BLEEP]ing with me,” I assume the [BLEEP] is standing in for “fuck” so I’ll say “fuck” a few extra times for good measure since this is my blog and I can swear all I want. Fuck fuck fuck!

Back in the bathroom she tells Malissa and Anna she’s done talking about it. Then, apparently out of nowhere, Mandy bursts into tears and whine-sobs something about about “made up all over again”–I’m wondering if she’s referring to her crying ruining her makeup?–and the editors cut to a shot of Malissa smiling evilly. Mandy retreats to her one safe haven, the bathroom, for the second time in this series. Tali knocks on the door to ask if she’s okay and Mandy warbles, “I’m fine, I’ll BE fine, if everyone just leaves me alone I’ll be just fine!” When she exits the bathroom, she says to Tali theatrically, “HI, HOW ARE YOU? I AM AN EMOTIONAL WRECK. WHAT’S NEW?” Riiiight, and Kristian was the crazy one. Clip below.

Luckily Luke’s got her medicine, and Mandy confessions that as soon as she sees Luke her nerves disappear. After hugging him at least three times between the house and the limo, Mandy and Luke are off for an oceangoing voyage aboard the Chintziest Tiki-Themed Ship in the Navy. Mandy’s parents are awaiting them on the boat. Mandy’s all, “No freaking way!” Luke confessions that when you marry someone, you’re also marrying their family, and this is actually true. Mandy confessions about missing her parents a whole lot.

The boat is set up inside like a strange Polynesian-decorated living room, with two couches facing each other, on either side of a low coffee table. Mandy and Luke sit together on one couch and Mandy’s folks sit on the other. Between them, facing the camera, is an angry-looking Tiki figure. This seems to bode poorly for the conversation. Luke asks Mandy’s folks how they met, and her father starts talking about meeting her mom as a substitute teacher, and just when I get settled for a cute how-we-met-story, the cruel editors cut it off and we never hear the touching finale. However! The ensemble does move on to substantive conversation in which we discover Luke’s dad is a butcher, and that Luke himself was not born but rather hewn by his father’s craftsman-like skills out of a lump of animal fat. I made that last part up. Luke does hypothesize that his fatness is partly due to his father’s profession, which shifts into an odd conversation between Luke and Mandy’s dad about working out: slender Dad says he works out to keep pace with the food he eats, and Luke says if HE didn’t work out he’d basically have to be forklifted out of his house within a few weeks because he eats so damn much. Um. Huh.

Mandy’s mom then asks Luke what he finds attractive about Mandy, and Luke says “she knows who she is” and namechecks Mandy’s “confidence,” though again I am left to surmise that Luke is living in Bizarro World where impromptu crying and a constant need for reassurance denotes “confidence”. Mandy’s mom then says, “Despite all her confidence, she’s really sensitive too – I’m sure you’ve seen that. I mean she’s so crazy otherwise.” Luke is right on top of this comment with, “REALLY? How crazy IS Mandy?” Mandy’s eyes get wide, like psychically she’s going “MOOOOOOM!!!!!” Deanna-Troi-style, and there is a very long, very painful pause. I imagine that the angry Tiki god, the most likeable character present, is debating which of the assembled should get chucked in the volcano first. Nobody seems to answer the question. The Luke asks if Mandy’s “ready to settle down” and her mom basically says no. Oh, this is so awkward, for a moment I feel what people who love these types of shows must feel on a regular basis, that savory bliss of pure schadenfreude. Mom thinks Mandy is “ready for a serious relationship” but isn’t going to “jump to the wedding chapel this week”. Luke confessions that Mandy seemed “on edge” during Mom’s awkward disclosures. Way to notice that, Luke. Mandy confessions her frustration that her dumb folks don’t know her at all. PARENTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND, kids! It was true in 1988 and it’s true now. Clip ahoy!

Back at the Rotunda, there’s stupid-ass giant-plastic-ring Lukemail for Anna. Her solo-date-time has come at last. Anna confessions that she was mostly a tomboy growing up and that as a plus-size model, people are constantly surprised by how well she cleans up. Her words, not mine. Luke confessions something perplexing about how Anna “takes care of her body, [because] she’s a plus-size model”. Totally unlike all the other disgusting sows in the house who don’t care about their appearance at all! Anna and Luke are going bowling. Anna’s totally stoked. Apparently at summer camp they had a choice between swimming or bowling on certain days, and because Anna, who–like every red-blooded woman on God’s green fucking earth according to this show–hated wearing a swimsuit, she always chose bowling. This means Anna is a really good bowler. They bowl for a bit and flirt and kiss, and Anna confessions that Luke’s bigness “makes her feel like a girl”. Oh Anna. Feeling like a girl means feeling small? You are a mighty warrior, Tall Girl! I shake my head sadly at your insecurity.

Luke, alas, is a terrible bowler. Luke claims he sucked because he was distracted by Anna’s cuteness; I am admittedly biased but I suspect the truth is that Luke just sucks. Anna is wearing this incredibly odd t-shirt that looks normal from the front, but is open in the back from the bra-strap down. It’s irritating the crap out of me. They finish bowling and go to return their shoes, and who do they see standing there at the shoe-counter but Anna’s parents. Like Mandy, Anna confessions that she misses her parents ever so much. What is up with all the parent-missing? Do these laydeez still live at home or what?

Anna’s dad (who is, notably, a little fat, and the first fat family member we’ve seen) asks if Luke’s been treating her okay, and Anna calls Luke a “gentleman”. Insofar as gentlemen make out with many laydeez as they can, as often as possible. Bizarro world! Anna’s mom asks Luke what he’s looking for, and Luke mumbles something about wanting a wife and family, blah blah blah. Anna’s dad says “It sounds like you’ve thought this through!” and for a split second I thrill with the possibility that he’s being facetious, but no such luck. Luke is all, yeah, I’m a world traveler and I have a career and now I want a housekeeper/maid and baby factory! The issue of Anna’s modeling career comes up, and her dad asks Luke whether he’d be okay if they began a relationship and then Anna had to piss off to London for a month. Luke’s response, both to her parents and then to us via confession, is a confusing mash of “no” and “maybe” and “I guess we’d we’d work it out”. Clip below.

Saving the skeeviest combination for last, it’s time for Malissa’s solo date. When she meets Luke out front of the house, she asks “how are you” and Luke sleazes all over the place when he checks her out and says “I’m good now,” then loudly sucks in air through his teeth, and then says, “Yessss”. GOOD. LORD. I’ve just envisioned Luke envisioning himself as a porn star and I really am going to throw up this time. There isn’t enough EW in the universe to cover this exchange. Luke and Malissa are going out for dinner, though I cannot fathom how they can have an appetite after that. Watching Joan Rivers have liposuction would be less distastful. Clip below.

They talk, as usual, about Important Matters like the process of being on this show, and Malissa tells Luke she thinks “we make a good looking couple” which, y’all, the depth of these interactions never ceases to amaze me. What up, Madam Curie? Can you solve string theory and world peace for us now too? Luke, ever the highbrow intellect, suggests they could make beautiful kids as well. For fuck’s sake, Luke, you just can’t think of anything but battering somebody’s babymaker, can you? They use wine-tasting as an excuse to get a blindfold on Malissa, and Malissa says “I’ve never smelled wine before, I just… drink it.” Wait, didn’t she and Luke go on a wine-tasting date like an episode ago? Did they not actually do any tasting?

While Malissa is blindfolded her two sisters come in and sit across from her. Surprise! Malissa’s sisters look like totally random people yanked off the street. Brunette sister is sort of average-looking but Blonde sister has some terrifyingly overperoxided hair and painted-on eyebrows. Luke asks what it’s like growing up with Malissa, and Blonde says, solemnly, “Lot of good times, bad times, sad times… but everything happens for a reason.” It bespeaks some heavy shit, I think, which is sort of unexpected. I think Luke was hoping the sisters woud say “lots of naked pillowfights!” and then volunteer to stage a reenactment for him.

Turns out Malissa’s mom died when the sisters were young, and Malissa as the oldest has been the mom-figure to her sisters. Blonde asks Luke if he’s “a cheater, have you ever cheated” and even Luke looks surprised. He says no. Blonde confessions that she’s a “hardass”, as evidenced by her black a-shirt screenprinted with a set of brass knuckles and a shattered heart. I am not embellishing here, as there is no need. Luke tells the sisters that he was initially attracted to Malissa because of her “rockin’ body” but then he discovered she’s “a woman of substance”. She is? How would we know?

Blonde tells Luke that Malissa’s fatness is a recent development and asks him if he’d ever try to slim her down. Wow, Blonde is pretty stupid, or else she just has no idea of the premise of this show. Luke assures her he thinks Malissa is fine the way she is. Well THAT’s a relief. Blonde, who has taken on the role of interrogator, asks Luke if he’s looking for something long-term, and Luke says he’s interested in someone who’d be a “good mother” because he wants to have kids. At this, Malissa gestures to herself and stage-whispers to her sister, “Me too!” It’s a strangely self-conscious move and we soon discover why. Malissa says her sisters are convinced she doesn’t like kids. Where’d they get this wicked idea? From the apparent fact that Blonde has a four-year-old son and Malissa’s never once babysat him, nor changed a diaper (at this, Malissa doesn’t debate the lack of diaper-changing, but instead says, “You’ve never asked me!” which is a totally bullshit response; plus Brunette quietly asserts that yes, Blonde has asked before). Blonde tells Malissa she can’t even imagine Malissa having kids. Malissa is obviously feeling a little tense about this conversation. Luke confessions: “They only live ten minutes apart, what’s the deal? Why doesn’t she ever babysit for her sister? I babysit my niece and nephew all the time.” Luke tries to give them all an out by suggesting that Malissa’s busy schedule prevents her babysitting, but the sisters naysay that. Then Luke asks the sisters what they’d think if he asked Malissa to marry him, and they don’t exactly squeal with glee at the prospect. Blonde hesitates when he asks if he’d have her blessing. Who the hell can blame her, she just met this guy. I like Blonde! Malissa confessions that she basically can’t wait to get home and lord over the other laydeez the fact that Luke mentioned proposing. Healthy! Clip below.

Date over! Back home on the range, Malissa is playing the “I HAVE A SECRET AND I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOOOOU because I’m trying to protect you sweet innocent laydeez from the hurt” with the other laydeez, which of course means they drag it out of her, which is of course exactly what Malissa wanted them to do. She tells them about the hypothetical-sister-proposal and Mandy says “it was like a bomb went off in the room”. Laydeez are saaaad! Malissa tells them she’d say yes if he DID ask, even though they don’t even know each other beyond the reach of the camera eye. Hell, they haven’t even had sex yet. (Does this sound utterly psychotic to anyone but me?) But Malissa’s just a straight-shooting damn-the-torpedoes rebel like that.

And now we move on to the Final Countdown Cocktail Party. Luke confessions “I’m really establishing a strong connection with each laydee.” Inside my head he says “laydee”, as opposed to lady, all the time, which makes this show more bearable. Luke says this will be the most difficult night yet. Luke and Tali have couchtimes and Tali asks Luke what he and Uncle Leo talked about, and Luke says they discussed the challenges of being an American dude marrying an Israeli laydee. Tali looks nervous at this and confessions that her “fear” is that she’ll be passed over for being different. Meanwhile, Anna and Malissa are talking about the elimination and Malissa says that since the beginning she’s expected she and Anna would be the last two laydeez standing. Unfortunately, by Reality TV Law, this means one of them now has to be eliminated in this episode.

For their one-on-one time, Anna and Luke sit, without benefit of a couch, on the steps by the pool. As the camera comes in tight to both their faces, I’ve just realized that Anna and Luke have the same perpetual stonerface. Weird. Luke confessions that Anna’s father didn’t seem to think Anna was ready for marriage right now, and of course the opinion of her dad carries far more weight than Anna’s own feelings on the subject. They talk more about Luke’s worries that her stupidly lucrative, exciting, and fulfilling career would impinge upon his need to have a woman with nothing else of interest in her life but him. Anna sweetly suggests that Luke could always come with her when she travels–and I’m not being sarcastic here, it really is sweet–to which Luke responds, “… if I could get away from work.” Right, Luke, because your career satisfaction is always tops in any arrangement. More than ever, Luke seems selfishly unwilling to compromise for his would-be laydee’s happiness, and it’s really squicking me out. Clip below.

Luke and Mandy have couchtimes and Mandy has something to get off her chest. Deep breath, Mandy! Mandy tells Luke about Malissa telling the other laydeez about the hypothetical proposal to Malissa’s sisters. Luke parries by saying he doesn’t ask the same questions of everyone, man, like he just goes with whatever’s in his head at the moment. Then Luke confessions that Mandy’s requiring a lot more reassurance than he had anticipated. “I’m not sure if that means Mandy is a needy person or a clingy girl, but she may be.” I am nodding ever so solemnly here. She may be. She may be.

Couchtimes for Luke and Malissa. Luke asks Malissa for clarification about her lack of babysitting. Malissa confessions that, “I don’t care to take care of other people’s kids; I just told him that I’d be okay with it because it could make or break his decision to keep me.” This sounds cobbled together, but even Luke wonders if Malissa’s lying and telling him what he wants to hear. Malissa says she’s not into babies and shit but with her own baby it’ll be different. Ehhhhh. You can hope, Malissa. Besides, babyhood only lasts a couple years, right?

And now the rings are collected for the elimination. The laydeez all confess they don’t want to go home, practically using the same words. It would be hilarious if the editors got drunk and cut together endless footage of all the laydeez saying “I don’t want to go home” over and over again. Or just once I’d like to see someone be all, my god, please get me out of here. I will piss on Luke’s bed if it hastens my departure! But no, this is Serious Business. There is scary piano music, and Emme’s being very somber. She’s wearing an awesome dress, though, an almost futuristic ivory quilted-satin number that, indeed, could have been raided from the Next Generation costume closet.

And already it is time to chuck the rings back at the laydeez Luke’s deemed worthy of suffering his smarm another few days. Who will be sacrificed on More to Love’s pagan altar, their blood drained and then imbibed by the remaining laydeez so that they might absorb the dispatched laydee’s lifeforce and thus gain the strength to fight for a prize nobody in their right mind would want for another day? Malissa gets ring the first, and she confessions that Luke’s keeping her on is “a confidence-booster”. Tali gets ring the second, and we are still in the dark about why Luke finds her appealing. I’m not suggesting she isn’t; I’m just observing that all we’ve seen of Tali’s personality is jealousy and insecurity, with a light seasoning of Fat Pain. Emme returns and rips off her face to reveal that she isn’t Emme at all, but is in fact Satan, as flames leap up from the floor around her and a doorway to hell appears and she drags all the remaining laydeez to its fiery depths, leaving Luke behind, because even Satan finds Luke painfully and gratuitously insufferable. No, alas, all Emme does is notify the assembled that there is one ring left. Are the producers of this show holding her family hostage? Is that why she’s doing this?

After an interminable wait, Luke gives the last ring to Mandy, and it’s kind of a shock, even to me. Ah, trust More to Love to bore the shit out of you for fifty-seven minutes and then BAM at the end hit you with a mild surprise! Anna’s going home. That’s what you get for having a fucking career, Anna! If you loved Luke you’d be willing to give all that up in favor of perpetual barefoot baby-production. Luke confessions that “I really feel like we’ve established a good friendship”, because good friends always make out with each other. Luke accompanies her on the walk of shame and tells her he can’t envision what it would be like to be with Anna; the unspoken addition here being, what it would be like to be with someone with other shit going on in her life such that he wasn’t the center of it. Anna tells him, “Whoever you end up with, I’m sure you’ll be happy,” and even Luke himself looks unconvinced. Anna thinks Luke’s made a mistake.

We forego the usual group hug this week in favor of unexpected Lukemail, which informs the final three laydeez that they are off to Hawaii. There is much screaming and rejoicing.

Next week: Hawaii.