Two Whole Cakes

It probably comes as a surprise to no one, at this point, that I like the fat boys. I also like the fat girls, but I am inclined to think that the sexualization of fat men’s (or male-identified) bodies tends to receive less attention than it does with the females. This is undoubtedly because women are under far greater and more specific cultural pressure to be sexually appealing than men are, and thus the sexualization of fat women’s bodies is a heated and popular topic of conversation.

However, what is occasionally lost in these discussions is any recognition at all of a) what pressure does exist for men to be attractive, and b) the fact that men, unlike women, tend not to create spaces in which they can talk honestly about their hypothetical feelings of inadequacy. The fact that women often bond over diets and aspirational beauty culture is problematic, for sure, but women do have the option to talk about these pressures with one another in a frank way. Worrying about your appearance, most specifically your size, is a woman’s problem, and not something your typical red-blooded straight cisgendered man is allowed to openly discuss, at least not without having his sexuality challenged by any homophobes in the room. As I recently observed on Fatcast, fat’s tendency is to fuck with gender on a equal-opportunity scale. Culturally-speaking, fatness exerts a masculinizing (or defeminizing) force on women’s bodies, and a feminizing (or emasculating) force on men’s bodies, and if you identify as falling outside the convenient gender binary, well, then it tends to strip you of any sexual identity at all, so far as mainstream recognition is concerned. No matter how you identify and present yourself, gender-wise, fatness is going to fuck with it.

In the course of these recaps, I’ve focused a lot of attention on sexualizing and even objectifying (in a good-natured way) the male bodies. And yes, I do think a certain degree of friendly objectification can be positive if it helps us to see our bodies — no matter what we look like — as sexified vessels of awesomeness. A goodly portion of my urge to stubbornly conceptualize the sexy fat man is because, indeed, I really do find them attractive. Hell to the yeah. But that’s not the only reason: the secondary impetus for my relentless demands for boys’-cabin pillowfights and less clothing is because framing fat men’s bodies in these terms is a process of queering mainstream standards of sexual attractiveness. Here I use “queering” not to mean “making it gay” (although that’s fun too) but to mean taking sexual convention and fucking it up, turning it inside out, and challenging its assumptions. I’m not queering the individuals or even their bodies — what I’m queering is how we read bodies as sexually attractive, and trying to bring a sexualized, semi-objectified (in a pleasant way, I promise!) fat male body into the light of day. Being attracted to fat bodies specifically, if not exclusively, is a queer-ish way of seeing the world, and it’s not one we get to see represented very often.

I’m not arguing that everyone universally has to find fat people attractive. That idea, no matter who’s discussing it, tends to draw the accusation that fat people who want to talk about beauty standards are only interested in being validated, told, “You’re attractive too.” Personally, I don’t give a shit about being found attractive by random strangers; I really never have, which explains many of my sartorial choices over the years. But furthermore: you get around in this world for long enough and you come to understand that sex appeal is utterly unique to the individual, fascist beauty standards notwithstanding, and that there are loads of people out there attracted to all kinds of bodies — just some of them are more ashamed and silent than others, because what pushes their buttons isn’t in line with what is considered “normal” or acceptable. Thus, instead of arguing “WE’RE HOT, DAMN IT, AND YOU SHOULD AGREE,” I would rather argue that the concept of finding fat bodies attractive be recognized and even respected as a valid and real possibility, without being fetishized, pathologized, or otherwise made freakish or secret or embarrassing.

Of course, when I explain it like this, it’s like the least-sexy thing ever.

All of this evolves from the fact that this past Sunday, Ari Stidham — the actor who plays the highly-crushable Ian — turned eighteen, and a whole heaping helping of you, my adored chubbalos, let me know it, on Twitter and Facebook and even via email. Which is hilarious and brilliant. There have been many impassioned votes in favor of dirty-fying the recaps (even from my imaginary teenage boyfriend), but I’m inclined to think they’re just dirty enough for our purposes. I should leave something to your filthy imaginations, my dears. I’d hate to be responsible for y’all getting lazy.

Previously: A game of truth or dare ended badly. I know, I didn’t see that coming either! Also, Dr. Gina banged the Tennis Douchebag King in the back of his truck, and Amber and Will reluctantly bonded. With puke.

Will and Salty Dad are shooting hoops on the empty field in the morning. Will says she’s looking forward to parents’ weekend, mostly so she can rip hers some shiny new assholes. Salty Dad: “Well, family time is always special.” OH SALTY DAD. You are a treasure. I also love how Will is making baskets even though she is of a wee height, in flagrant violation of the conventional wisdom about who can succeed at basketball.

Later, in the girls’ cabin, Sierra is in the bathroom, wailing hysterically. Poppy asks if anyone said anything to her, and the girls all say no, while Will says, “She’s never not crying.” Poppy tries to remind the girls that living in close quarters means there are going to be things that “rankle” people, be it fights over who gets the shower first, to someone walking around topless — this with a glance at Will, who says, “Come on, they’re just boobs, people.” Chloe assures her they don’t want to see them. Uh, is there any room for me in that cabin? Caitlin’s bed is still unoccupied, right?

Poppy sends Carter, Chloe, and Mystery Girl Camper — my apologies dear, I don’t know your character’s name — to fetch Sierra. Man, occasionally I’m amazed at how epically tall Carter (Ashley Fink) is compared to the other girls. Body diversity for the fucking win. When they’re gone, Poppy tells Becca that she’ll be her “make-believe mom” for the weekend, “like Wendy in Peter Pan!” Becca seems unthrilled. I guess the kids whose parents can’t make it get Poppy as a consolation prize.

Sharing circle! Dr. Gina wants to talk about parents’ weekend. Evidently having their parentals visit means they have the option to leave the confines of Camp Victory and eat out, and Dr. Gina asks them to make “healthy choices”. Then she asks who’s excited about seeing their folks. Will, Chloe, and Trent are! Ian is not. His parents fight constantly, so being around them is kinda stressful for him. “At home, at least, there’s like, Facebook.” Oh, if Ian were but a real boy I would totally Facebook-stalk him. And then Dr. Gina supplies: “Or, cake.” Hell, why not both? I know I personally deal with stress not by playing Rock Band or going to the gym, but by eating cake whilst using Facebook. One of you needs to create an “Eating cake whilst using Facebook” fan page. I would totally click the “like” button on that.

Dr. Gina asks Trent what he’s like totally stoked to do with his parents, brah, and Trent’s all, “Introducing my dad to my friends. It’ll be like tooootally bitchin’.” I lied about that last part. Trent’s cadence cracks my shit up, to the extent that I did an impersonation of it on one of the Fatcasts, which Marianne found very funny. Chloe smiles to herself at this, no doubt thinking he means her. Alistair looks forward to “being himself.” Dante wants to hug his mom. No, seriously. That’s so sweet. Girls, pay attention to how a boy treats his mother, or other female family members. It says a lot. Ian doubts Dante’s sincerity and they have a brief shouting match before Dr. Gina puts a lid on that shit.

Returning to Alistair’s comment, Dr. Gina asks Chloe if she feels the same way. “I know you two aren’t the same person, but since you are from the same family…” Where the hell did Dr. Gina get her PhD? The fifth moon of the planet Blunderdonia? Chloe’s look of mute shock says it all. Both Ian and Dante are all WHAAAAAT and Amber looks at Chloe with bewilderment, while Chloe blurts, “Yeah, so?” Dr. Gina abruptly ends the sharing circle.

As the campers disperse, Chloe approaches Alistair and asks to walk to the pool together. Is the guilt getting to her? Alistair’s not interested, and he leaves with Becca. Then, Dr. Gina asks Will to stay behind for a moment. Apparently her parents have emailed their regrets, but they won’t be there this weekend. But they need new assholes! And Will was going to create them! Will seethes and asks, in monotone, if there’s anything else. They’ve sent her a package. Maybe the package will be filled with unconditional love and support her parents have withheld! Yeah, I don’t think so either.

Pool time! Man, I wish we had a Boston chapter of Chunky Dunk but I don’t want to organize it. Dante swims past Chloe and uses it as an excuse to ask her to apologize to her brother for him. She tells Dante to do it himself.

Amber gets in the pool and joins Chloe, saying, “Something’s wrong with me.” What’s that, dear? “I’m just so stupid, I didn’t realize Alistair was your brother.” Here’s something I don’t miss about being a teenager: the egocentric conviction that everything is about you and your insecurities. Amber assumes the failure is hers, and not that Chloe was actively avoiding any association with her brother. She also didn’t know that Piznarski’s name is Dante. Chloe assures her, “Nobody did.” I did! Chloe’s worried that Amber’s mad at her for something, but Amber says, “I’m just weird. I’m just a big stupid weirdo.”

Elsewhere in the pool, Will is ranting about her parents’ impending absence. She had planned the installation of their new assholes so meticulously! How dare they not show up! Will: “I’m just a rage-filled donut right now!” Mmm. Rage-filled donut.

Will says Poppy’s going to be worried about her, and tells Becca they should stick together over the weekend. Maybe they can do the rune thing, finally! Becca gives her an icy “yeah, maybe” and swims away. Will’s face registers a tiny flicker of confusion.

In Dr. Gina’s office, Salty Dad is just hanging up the phone as Dr. Gina comes in. He tells her Wayne stopped by, and that he’s apparently been trying to call her. She knows. She was gonna call him back, but her grandmother dropped acid, freaked out, and hijacked a school bus full of penguins. The subject changes to the approaching parentals, and Dr. Gina says Will’s parents have just blown it off, which she calls “sickeningly selfish.” She also thinks it’s “weird” that Chloe and Alistair have been keeping their sibling status a secret. Salty Dad is unimpressed: “Better get yourself some curtains for that glass house.” Salty Dad accuses Dr. Gina of keeping him a secret — his being her dad, anyway. Oooh, burn.

In the common room that evening, Love Handles is on. Y’all, I wish Love Handles were a real show that took itself 100% seriously. The possibilities for epic camp are astounding. Our Luke surrogate introduces the challenge by saying, “Even though I’m a dot-com millionaire…” HAAAAAA. The fake contestants are to carry a plate of bacon to him without spilling it. Will asks, “Why is pork so funny?” I think bacon in particular is funny because it’s a food that we as a culture have decided is basically without nutritional merit. It’s fat and salt held together with a bit of meat. Chloe wants Will to shut up. One of the fake contestants confessionalizes: “So, you know how bacon’s greasy?” Will: “I used to, before I became a bacon nun!” Even Becca smiles over her book. The fake show goes to a fake commercial featuring a fake actress talking about how awesome it is to go to the gym all the time. The gym is called Core and it will “change you forever.” Will’s face falls and she looks almost morose. The room is silent as Amber looks down and tugs her shirt away from her stomach. Becca tries to keep up the critical commentary: “I live in a patriarchal society that assigns women merit based on their looks. That’s why I live.. Core.” She turns to Will and smiles, but Will just stares silently at the TV, looking more and more despondent.

Some time after, Will stands at the mail window to pick up the package her parents have sent. In it, there is a postcard with a picture of the Eiffel Tower, on which is written, “Can’t wait to see you in this! Love, Mom & Dad” The “this” is a pink fleece hoodie with the “Core” logo embroidered on it. In the source material for Huge, Will’s parents owned a chain of high-end health clubs, so this was not a surprise for me, but Will’s obvious wavering between sadness and anger is heartbreaking.

The commercials feature an ad for the “Lysol No Touch Hand Soap System”, a gadget that uses a motion sensor to squirt soap in your hand. The promo text reads: “Never touch a germy soap pump again!” I find this hysterical for some reason. If you’re afraid of your soap pump, wouldn’t you also be afraid of touching the faucet? THE FILTH THE FILTH IT IS EVERYWHERE.

And the day has come: the parentals are arriving. I think I spy one same-sex couple so far. Some parentals are fat, some are not. This whole thing is making me EXTREMELY NERVOUS. Ian, too, apparently, as he fidgets beside Will, looking for his own folks. He doesn’t want to inflict his parents on anyone, apparently, because just being around them is a constant source of tension. Poor Ian: “They’ll argue about anything! Anything! This shirt!” referencing the plain beige t-shirt he has on.* Will: “That shirt is pretty polarizing.” Finally, they arrive, and Ian crosses the field to collect a two-parent hug, leaving Will on her own.

Amber is also on her own, looking around anxiously for her mom. Chloe comes over to talk, when she spots Trent standing with his dad — who is tall and athletic and very familiar, though I can’t place him — and pregnant stepmom across the field. Trent sees her as well, and smiles broadly, which his dad picks up on. He wants to guess which girl Trent likes, and guesses Amber, to which Trent says, “Well, actually–” but his dad cuts him off with such conviction that Trent doesn’t correct him. When stepmom tries to intervene, Trent’s Dad asserts, “I happen to know this guy really well. Am I right?” Awkward (DRINK!). Trent, not wanting to let his father down, nods unenthusiastically, which gets him put in a playful headlock.

Chloe, well out of earshot but able to see the trio, catches Trent’s attention and gestures to ask if she should come over to be introduced. Trent first pretends not to understand, and then turns his back to her. Burn. Amber, clueless as ever, is fixated on her no-show mom, and says she’s going back to the cabin. Chloe stands alone, watching Trent and his parents, verging on tears.

Elsewhere on the parental-meeting ground, Becca is in the midst of talking shit about Will to Alistair — she thought they were friends! — when Will comes over and asks if Becca wants to shoot some hoops. Becca quietly says no, refusing to look at Will. Will is confused, aware that something’s wrong but totally oblivious to what it might be. After a few awkward (DRINK!) moments of silence, she leaves. Becca is all, SEE? SEE? Apparently she’s mad that Will wants to hang out now that her parents aren’t coming. On the one hand, I think Becca’s entitled to feel a little taken for granted by Will, but on the other, Will wasn’t exactly looking forward to having a splendid time with her folks, leaving Becca behind, but was rather hell bent on reaming them out and forcing them to leave.

Alistair and Chloe’s parents have arrived, and Chloe gets to them first. Alistair, still chatting with Becca, is in no hurry, and so they get a chance to survey him from afar. His mom says, “He has definitely slimmed down,” while his dad argues, “He looks the same to me.” They call him and Becca over — do remember that Becca and Chloe were BFFs last year, so she’s met Chloe’s parentals before.

Dante and his mom are sitting together, and she tells him how good he looks. “How bad did I look before?” Dante inquires. His mom assures him she didn’t mean it like that. See, this is the problem with our habit of telling someone they “look good” when what we really mean is that it is good to see them. Mom catches Dante watching Chloe and asks if she’s a girl he likes. He says no, and tells her not to ask questions like that. She agrees sheepishly.

Chloe is getting her folks some lemonade, and so is Trent. As she pours, she says, “Trent?” inquiringly, uncertainly, almost pleadingly. Then she says, “Hi,” half to him, half to his family, to which Trent responds — awkwardly (DRINK!) — “Oh, hi,” and then promptly turns away from her again, saying to his stepmom, “Here’s your drink,” ostentatiously neglecting to introduce them. Chloe, wounded, walks away. Damn. Girlfriend is going to need some aloe to soothe all the mad burns she’s getting in this episode thus far.

Ian’s parents are telling him a charming story about almost running out of gas on their way there, and they are not fighting at all. Ian seems to be waiting for a bomb to go off, but his parentals are cheerful and gracious with each other.

For the record: this is the point at which I began to suspect what would ultimately come of this subplot. Just putting that out there.

Alistair’s dad wants to know what sports he’s playing. Becca volunteers that he’s been playing softball, and that he’s good at it. Alistair says he’s enjoying yoga. Mom thinks this is wonderful, but dad has to comment, “Yoga’s not a sport.” Mom asks Becca if her parents are there, and Becca says no. Mom then asks after her grandmother, who apparently came to visit during Parents’ Weekend last year. No, she couldn’t come. Well, then Becca should join them for dinner. Mom then makes a comment about Becca and Alistair “finding each other” and oh, she thinks they’re a couple. Alistair is totally willing to go with this, and Becca begins her new role as Alistair’s beard.

In the girls’ cabin, Amber sits worrying about whether her mom is going to turn up. Carter comes in with her rail-thin big sister. Finally Amber’s mom comes in, like a massive whirlwind of annoyingness. OMG! OMG! I’m here! Wow! Amber’s so thin! She shouldn’t get too thin! No, that’s a joke! Wait, Carter’s sister is really thin! Why is she here? Oh she’s visiting! Oh okay! Carter’s sister looks deeply self-conscious when called out like this.

Amber shows her mom her bunk, and introduces Carter and — halfheartedly — Will, who is lying in her bunk with her headphones on. Amber’s mom looks at Will and whispers, “Is she the one we hate?” Amber flails for a moment and corrects her, “We don’t — really hate her.” Mom: “Oh, so she IS the one.” Ugh. Amber’s mom wants to go to the yoga demonstration, and in her rambling mentions that on the drive up, she thought “Indigo’s car” was going to blow up. Will asks, “You know someone named Indigo?” Amber’s mom explains, rather haughtily for my taste, “My sister’s name is Indigo, my name is Teal, and I named my baby Amber. I am colorful.”

At one point does a person pass over the threshold from charmingly wacky to dementedly irritating? I think we’re there already. In the bathroom, Amber’s mom loudly announces, “What the hell, I’ve got my period! I’m supposed to be in menopause.” Poppy volunteers to get a tampon but Amber quietly tells her it has to be a pad. Her mom pokes her head out of the bathroom: “My uterus is tipped, for real,” gesturing, “like a teeter-totter.”

Will has stormed outside to escape the crazy; I don’t blame her, man. She’s sitting on the cabin steps, still listening to her headphones, as Salty Dad walks by with a basket of tomatoes. He enlists her help with dinner, and Will goes along.

Inside the boys’ cabin, Trent and his dad are standing and not talking. Of course, it is awkward (DRINK!). I’m assuming pregnant stepmom is in the bathroom. At this point I realize that the whole parents’-weekend event is a fucking misery. This is terrible. Everything is terrible! You’re terrible, Muriel. Dad asks if Trent’s been “working out,” which, duh, but Trent says he’s been doing “other things” too. THESE THINGS DO NOT INCLUDE HAVING SEMINUDE PILLOWFIGHTS WITH THE OTHER BOYS, I MUST NOTE. Pregnant stepmom comes out of the bathroom and Trent’s dad is all are you okay? Is everything okay? Are you sure? Do you need to sit down? Go back to the hotel? Ugh, he’s one of those expectant fathers. Ian comes in, pointedly telling his parents, “I’ll be right out!” but they come inside anyway. When Trent’s dad hears Ian’s name, he says, “This is the famous Ian? We’ve heard a lot about you.” Ian: “You have?” Ian’s mom: “You have?” Ha. Trent proceeds to hijack Ian’s parents to show them the camp garden.

In the kitchen, Salty Dad is educating Will on tomatoes. Dr. Gina, walking by in the background, stops to eavesdrop as Salty Dad instructs Will on knife technique, and when she says she’s never cooked anything, as he supportively tells her she’s “a natural”. Aww. Of course Dr. Gina’s phone beeps at the precise wrong moment, but she avoids discovery by ducking and beating it out of there. Turns out it’s a text from Jonathan.

In the yoga demonstration, George leads the class as the parents and kids follow along together. Amber’s mom is only watching, but is involved enough to stage-whisper “Good for you!” to Chloe and Alistair’s wheelchair-using mom as she participates. Oh. My. God. Chloe’s mom just ignores her. Amber’s mom goes on to explain that she’d try it too, except she has cramps, and then begins to tell of her tipped uterus again, while Amber loudly shushes her. George invites Amber’s mom to join in, and she does so, whispering to Amber how cute George is. Amber’s reached her limit and wants to leave. Now. She covers by telling her mom she wants to spend time alone together.

They get back to the girls’ cabin, which Amber’s mom calls “dirty”, then says she’s just kidding, but no, it really is dirty and they should clean it, for what the camp costs. Amber says she wants to hear how her mom is doing. “You’re so funny,” says mom. “You’re gone, and I’m stuck with my bitch of a sister. How do you think I’m doing?” Damn, y’all, if I had to live with this I’d probably save up for fat camp too. Hell, maybe boarding school. Mom has no filter at all. She then tells Amber to ignore her, she just misses her daughter. Then she presents Amber with a shoebox. Amber’s excited until she discovers that it contains cookies. Uh oh.

Dante’s mom comes into the boys’ cabin to use the bathroom, and finds Alistair knitting alone. They bond over their shared passion for knitting, until Dante comes in and mom goes to attend to nature’s call. Alistair puts his knitting on his bunk and leaves without speaking a word to Dante. Once he’s gone, Dante gets his journal and pulls out a page on which something is already written. He hides it under Alistair’s knitting.

In the girls’ cabin, Amber pulls her mom outside, explaining that she has to ditch the cookies, because she’ll get in trouble if she’s caught with them. Her mom doesn’t get it, and tells Amber just not to tell anyone. Finally Amber lies and says she can keep them in the camp kitchen. Instead, she takes the cookie-shoebox to the laundry room and stashes it behind a washer.

Alistair and Chloe are headed out to dinner with their parents. Chloe asks Alistair if they can just pretend everything’s fine while their folks are there, and then after that he can go back to hating her. Alistair refuses to pretend, just as Becca approaches. “Really?” asks Chloe, referring to his fake girlfriend.

In the mess hall, Amber’s mom is telling the assembled table that this place is awfully “dirty” to cost so much, but Amber wanted to spend her own money on it. Amber, in the meantime, is sitting, back rigid, intently chewing and staring at the ceiling, seemingly wishing she were anywhere else in the world but here with her mom. “Why are you chewing like that?” asks Amber’s mom. “That’s how she always chews,” says Dante, helpfully.

Ian’s parents have a perfectly reasonable and friendly conversation about where to sit, and once they’ve walked off, Ian stands, open-mouthed, while a bemused Will says wryly, “Wow, I’m sorry I had to see that.” Ian says his parents have been behaving like this all day. Will suggests maybe they’ve gotten into couples counseling, which Ian says is impossible. Call me cynical, but my money is on a divorce announcement later in this episode.

Chloe and Alistair and their parents are waiting for a table at a restaurant when Trent and his parents come in. Trent introduces them as “Alistair, we’re in the same cabin, this is Becca, and this is Chloe… his… sister.” I am surprised that particular burn did not set off the building’s smoke alarms. Chloe, at least, is reaching the point where crying or beating the shit out of Trent are equally-possible options.

Of course, the families must now eat together, to maximize the awkwardness (DRINK!). Alistair is concerned by the portion sizes. Trent’s dad and stepmom agree to split a plate, which gives Alistair the idea to suggest the same to Becca. Trent asks Chloe if she wants to split, and Chloe’s like, “Fuck yoooou! (Ooo, ooo, ooo!)” Not really, but the sentiment is there. Instead she decides on ordering, “Fettucine alfredo with extra sauce, extra cheese, and a side of fried clams.” Her parents exchange looks, her mom concerned, her dad… almost angry. Now ain’t that some shit? (Ain’t that some shit!)

As a means of changing the subject, Chloe’s mom asks Becca why her grandmother didn’t come this year. Becca pauses for a split second before responding, as bluntly as possible, “She died.” Chloe’s mom looks stricken. Even Chloe is visibly moved, from which we can assume that Becca was probably being raised by her grandmother, or was at least very close to her. Naturally, this revelation brings the already-morose tenor of the dinner party to an absolute low.

Back at camp, Dr. Gina is making an announcement in the crowded mess hall — which turns out to be that she is grateful to have her own father with her this year. She turns and asks Salty Dad if he has anything to say, and Salty Dad gives us a thoughtful, “No seconds,” and giving Dr. Gina the most affectionate look we’ve seen yet. The campers smile. Aww.

After dinner, Ian and his parents are walking when his dad suggests they sit down for a bit. No sooner have their asses hit the benches of the picnic table does Ian’s mom begin, “We love you, so much.” Oh shit, they really are getting divorced. Damn this show. Ian asks if one of them is dying. Nope. Are they in couples therapy? Yes! And it’s helped. Then the hammer falls. “It’s helped us realize that we need to be apart.” To make it extra extra clear, Ian’s dad states definitively, “We’re getting divorced.” Ian tries to process it, tries to be calm and understanding for his parents, he even smiles.

It’s only alone in the laundry room later that he throws his basket of dirty clothes down and cries. I had trouble watching this scene. Divorce, they say, is emotionally harder on a kid than the death of a parent, and I fucking believe it. They also say that divorce is hardest on girls when they’re younger and boys when they’re older. I was a good eight years younger than Ian, but this scene still gave me a familiar sinking feeling, and I have another of my constant urges to crawl inside this story and give a character a hug, to promise it really will be okay.

A little predictably, Ian finds Amber’s hidden cookies. I’m not really loving this cookie subplot, I’ve got to say. He opens the bag and inhales deeply –

– and delivers them directly to Dr. Gina.

Chloe, Alistair, and Becca are returning from dinner and piling out of the parentals’ minivan. As their parents drive away, Chloe says in Alistair’s general direction: “I feel sick. I should have split with Trent.” Trent? Who’s Trent? Oh, you mean the guy who refuses to acknowledge his relationship with you to his parents? Alistair and Becca ignore Chloe and walk off together. Chloe: “Alistair? When you see Trent, can you tell him I said that?” Alistair: “Tell him yourself.”

Alistair walks Becca back to her cabin, remarking on how “date-y” it is. Becca tells him he’ll make a good boyfriend for somebody. Becca “can’t imagine ever going on a date in reality” and Alistair tells her to think of it as LARPing. Becca: “I cast level 9 flirtation!” But then she revises: “What am I saying? I’m level 9 awkwardness.” (Does it count if “awkward” is used in a quote? I say yes. DRINK!) Outside her cabin, Alistair asks if Becca knew he was Chloe’s twin when they met, and Becca says she guessed it based on his uncommon name. She never brought it up because she didn’t want to talk about it — her hurt from being cast aside as Chloe’s BFF is too fresh. Alistair rightly tells Becca she shouldn’t waste energy worrying about what Chloe thinks. Becca should be like, “Fuck yoooou! (Ooo, ooo, ooo!)” Alistair kisses Becca’s hand and says good night, while Becca lingers, ostensibly trying to work out whether she has a crush on Alistair or not.

Inside the girls’ cabin, Amber’s mom — Teal — continues to be the most annoying force in the known universe. When Poppy tells her the evening bell has sounded and she has to go, Amber’s mom asks, “Can’t I stay the night? Please? Pippy?” Poor Poppy tries to explain it’s not allowed, when Teal points at Carter’s sister and says, “She’s staying.” Carter’s sister hides behind her magazine as much as she can, as Teal is told that Carter’s sister got permission in advance. Well, Teal would have too, if someone had told her! Poppy doesn’t budge until Teal is all feigned resignation and adept manipulation and, “oh, ignore me, I’ll just sleep in the car.” Well, we know where Amber is learning this shit. Poppy relents and before she even finishes the sentence, Teal is all YAAAAY! because that is what she expected all along.

Amber bolts for the laundry room under pretense of having left something in the washer. She finds the cookies have vanished. What now?

Inside Dr. Gina’s office, she’s staring at the bag of cookies. She gets up and sticks them in a filing cabinet. My god y’all, they’re just cookies. They’re not heroin! They’re not plutonium! They’re not the fucking ebola virus! They’re cookies. I am a little enraged by the cookiephobia here. Dr. Gina steps back and stares at the cookie-infested filing cabinet when she gets a text. Jonathan is still trying to booty-call her. Fuck yoooooou. (Ooo, ooo, ooo!) Actually she just texts him back, “No.” Then there’s a knock at the door. It’s Wayne! With a basket of tomatoes from his garden. Damn, he gardens too? Wayne is a catch. Apparently Salty Dad called and asked him to bring some tomatoes for parents’ weekend. Oh, that meddling Salty Dad!

Dr. Gina can’t keep her eyes off the filing cabinet, stuffed as it is with cookie-based explosives. She asks Wayne to get the cookies and take them home. THEY’RE! JUST! COOKIEEEEES! I get that Dr. Gina has an eating disorder, and if she were the only one reacting with abject terror to the cookie-presence, I’d probably be more understanding here, but I’m irked that nobody is being critical of this whole OH GOD WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE COOKIES madness. Wayne agrees, and decides this is also a good time to make out. All right! I bet Wayne is a good kisser.

Back in the girls’ cabin, Amber is laying out a sleeping bag on the floor when her mom marches over and asks if she should just leave. She then drags Amber outside and accuses her of not wanting her there. Mom is a total co-dependent freak show. Amber apologizes — for what, we don’t know — and then so does her mom: “I keep saying stupid things, and I’m just a big stupid weirdo.” Man, I still don’t like Amber, but she certainly has my condolences. Mom goes back on the defensive saying Amber “doesn’t know what it’s been like” and demanding that Amber tell her she wants her to stay.

Once inside, Amber seeks out Will, who’s sitting in the shower — the water’s not on — listening to her headphones and drawing on the postcard from her parents. “You still have that food, right?” Amber means Will’s stash from the first week. Will cautiously says yes, it’s buried in the woods. Amber “really needs some.” And thus when everyone is asleep, Will and Amber sneak out, flashlights in hand, to find and dig up Will’s contraband, bringing us full circle.

Almost. Because we get a “…to be continued.”

Next week: This preview trailer actually made me say OH NOES! aloud. It seems Ian and Amber share an intimate moment and I predict OUTRAGE — and possibly the gathering of pitchforks and torches and an angry mob — amongst Will/Ian shippers, which seems to be happening already on the Huge Facebook page.

—

* Incidentally, remember Ian’s giant fork t-shirt from the Talent Night episode? I do, because I found it hilarious. You can get your own — up to a men’s 3XL — at this Etsy shop.

Well, we are slowly winding down to the (hopefully temporary) finale. Truth be told, as much as I love recapping, I do look forward to getting back to blogging about other things, like Janelle Monae, and this dress from ASOS.

Angst-O-Meter (1-5): 5

Previously: The campers weighed in. Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues. Also, Dr. Gina and Salty Dad had a fight, and Amber and George got some quality makeout time, which was witnessed by Will.

It’s evening at Camp Victory. Annnnd, they’re still making out. Actually this is probably a different round. George interrupts to ask, “So when will you be seventeen?” Amber: “March.” George: “Oh. So, soon.” They resume making out, and George moves on to the groping segment of the program, though as he approaches Amber’s belly-chub, she pulls away instantly. She doesn’t want him to touch her stomach. Recognition flickers across the faces of millions of girls nationwide. What’s also interesting about seeing the two of them so… close together, is the reference point it provides for Amber’s size. Much has been made of Amber’s relative smallness compared to the other campers, but next to tiny George — who, standing on his own, looks like pretty much any youthful actor on any teencentric show — Amber’s distance from the slender ideal is cast into much sharper relief. They collaborate to start meeting for morning-makeouts as well, since that would be easier to lie about if Amber was caught outside her cabin. She likes to watch the sun rise! I also bet little birds land on Amber’s shoulders and a band of squirrels plays her a merry song, and maybe a deer comes and sits beside her and tells her how all the deer in the forest only wish they were as wide-eyed and innocent and pure as Amber appears to be.

Elsewhere, Dr. Gina is making some intense exultations of pleasure in Wayne’s truck. Nah, it ain’t sexual, they’re eating ribs — indeed, good ribs will elicit similar noises from yours truly. The sign outside says “Oink’s Ribs” which is both funny and terrible. Wayne wants to know when Dr. Gina last ate from a drive-through window, and Dr. Gina cheerfully asserts: “I don’t eat in cars.” Or any vehicles. Wayne wants to see Dr. Gina tomorrow night, but Dr. Gina has a thing. She tells Wayne she’s in a twelve-step program, “the one for food”. Turns out she can eat in a car now because she discussed it with her sponsor first, and the “thing” tomorrow night is a meeting marking seven years of abstinence. From food? I guess from overeating.

Dudes, this scene is making me want ribs. Like, really bad.

Wayne wants to come with! Wayne is quite the catch, y’all, with his truck and his ribs and his fascinating knowledge of trivia.

Dr. Gina gets back to her cabin to find Salty Dad changing the light bulbs in her cabin, and explicitly not waiting up for her. Here I must note that Dr. Gina seems to have a smudge of something on her dress and I seriously hope it’s barbecue sauce. I’m going to choose to believe it is, inside my head. As Salty Dad asks how the date went, Dr. Gina gets a text from someone called Jonathan. Oh, I bet that’s the king of the tennis-douchebag camp from the LARPing episode. The text says he needs to see her. Salty Dad asks, “Are you texting, or sexting, or whatever they call it?” You know, it would be so easy for Salty Dad’s occasional pop culture commentary to come off as labored, but somehow it manages to be consistently funny. Salty Dad is happy that Dr. Gina is seeing Wayne so often. Dr. Gina: “So this is how you look when you’re happy?” Salty Dad: “Yup.”

Amber sneaks back into the girls’ cabin, where everyone is asleep — except for Will. Amber doesn’t notice and climbs into her bunk.

Commercials. I loathe this “toning sneaker” trend. You know what else “tones” your ass — if you believe in such things — with far more effectiveness than a pair of magic shoes? Walking!

It’s morning, and Chloe sleeps, blissfully unaware that the other girl campers are preparing to wake her with noisemakers and yelling. IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY CHLOE! YAAAAAAY. Will and Becca give halfhearted groans from the back. Amber reads the freshly-awoken Chloe the list of qualities ascribed to her by her astrological sign, one of which is that she’s “a loyal friend”. Cut to meaningful shot of Becca looking glum, Will watching her sympathetically.

During morning affirmations, Dr. Gina warns the campers to be vigilant of self-sabotage. ”There may be a self-destructive part of us that doesn’t want to get better.” I cannot fathom how these kids could possibly sabotage their alleged “success” given that they’re in a closed environment in which they are required to exercise every day and their food intake is strictly monitored. Maybe they’ll start breathing too much? I suppose they could hypothetically capture one of the Camp Victory ducks and eat it.

Trent sees Chloe’s “Happy Birthday” crown and mouths “happy birthday” to her. She mouths back “thank you.” Trent then sees Alistair in the background and slowly realizes it must be Alistair’s birthday too. And they didn’t do anything! Shit. Post-afffirmations, he grabs George and lets him know. George is on it! Like Batman, he will leap into birthday-related action.

At breakfast, Chloe is planning her birthday celebration for that night. She wants to invite Carter but not Sierra. But then who will be on crying detail? Chloe wants to know where they’re going to score some booze, and apparently Trent has a line on a counselor who, supplied with money, will purchase alcohol for them.

Across the room, Becca and Will are chatting. Becca remarks that there’s going to be a full moon tonight, and she wants to go out and sit under it, to draw some runes. She explains it Will, who seems unusually cheerful this morning: “They’re these stones with symbols carved in them. They’re used to divine the future.” And then we have one of my favorite small moments yet, from Will: “I love that word: Divine.”

Will wants to do it! Yeah! High five! Rune party! Becca’s shocked that Will is interested; Will says, good-naturedly, “I think your nerdiness is contagious.”

Back at the cool kids’ table, Trent is ever-so-subtly trying to create room for Chloe to come clean about Alistair being her brother, by asking about what her family does for birthdays. The moment is lost, however, when Amber announces they should play “Never Have I Ever” tonight. I feel kind of old because this is a game that actually post-dates my own irreverent youth. Or maybe it doesn’t, and the kids I was hanging out with were satisfied to get drunk and hook up with random friends without the intervention of cutesy drinking games.

Walking back to the boys’ cabin, Alistair tells Ian he thinks he and Trent would make a cute band. Ian is understandably unsure of how to take this. But hey, SURPRISE! The boys all yell at Alistair as a means of noting his birthday. Also, he doesn’t have to do his chore on the chore wheel. Dante has to do it! Har. They’ve also made him a card, with a drawing of a top hat and a rabbit. Because Alistair likes magic. Alistair calls the art “visually arresting” and it’s all kind of sweet in an inept-teenage-boys-trying-to-make-good sort of way. Of course, the mention of birthdays brings up talk of cake, which continues for about a minute before Dante bellows, “Stop talking about cake!” Sadly, there is no reference made to two whole cakes, though the circumstances were perfect for it. Instead, Ian asks Alistair about his best-ever birthday gift, and Alistair explains that his sister got all the stuff he wanted. “Like those Sky Dancer dolls? They could fly. She had all of them. And I get, like, G.I. Joe. You ever try to make G.I. Joe dance with the sky? It’s super depressing.”

Circuit training! Becca’s spotting Will’s sit-ups. Ian comes over to tell her he’s worked out the bridge to their song, and they high-five. Will is in an awfully good mood. She tells Ian he should come with her and Becca tonight, for their “fortune-telling rune thing,” and Becca doesn’t even try to hide that she’s disappointed to have to share the evening with anyone other than Will. Now: I know a lot of folks are going to read this as Becca having a crush on Will — the idea has certainly been floated before, and it may be true. But I want to argue that focusing on romantic/sexual pairings overlooks the beautiful things this series is doing with friendship. Speaking for myself, all of my most powerful relationships in my teens and early twenties were friendships, many of which were profoundly intense and even romantic in completely non-sexual ways. I had friends with whom I identified so strongly, it was as though we shared a mind, and one particular relationship in which I very nearly lost myself in the bargain. That one left a deeper impression — negative and positive — on me than any dating or sexual relationship I’ve had before or since (with the obvious exception of my current relationship with my spouse).

When Becca’s face falls, I recognize it — I know that feeling, as an introvert who tends to prefer one-on-one social interactions to large groups. It is a longing for a special understanding, for an opportunity to connect privately with someone who gets you, who knows you, who likes you and appreciates you, just as you are. There is a romance to friendships like this, but it is not necessarily borne of a sexual desire so much as an emotional one. I’ve been in love with friends. I’ve been in love with friends for their amazing minds and their wonderful personalities, and for our shared ability to understand one another, and support one another, and to say what needs to be said, and to listen. There is romance in that, but we have no language for it in our culture — no way of identifying it and recognizing it except in half-formed concepts and vague descriptions. We have no means of speaking about desire for emotional and intellectual connection, as sex is always paramount, always primary, always assumed to be the driving force behind human connection. And sometimes it is. But sometimes it is not.

Ian leaves at George’s assertion that there is to be no “socializing”; Becca collects herself. George leans down to correct Will’s form, instructing her to “keep your neck straight, and let your ab muscles do all the work.” At this, he gestures, or possibly touches, Will’s stomach, and she says, brusquely: “I got it.”

Trent and Chloe are using the free weights, and Chloe is explaining that she’s told her parents all she wants for her birthday is a car. Oh, is that all? Trent is still trying to create space for her to talk about her brother, by asking about her family again. Chloe finally gets it, and Trent admits Alistair told him. Trent doesn’t seem to get why it’s a big deal, but Chloe is visibly upset. Whether she’s upset about being connected with her brother, or because she feels guilty about how she’s treated him, is anyone’s guess.

Making matters worse, Dante comes over to tell Chloe that their alcohol-supplying counselor has changed his mind: “He had some change of heart where he realized it’s wrong to sell booze to kids and doesn’t want to go to jail, or whatever.” Chloe is beside herself. Dante: “I know! Screw him, right?” LOL. Precious.

Chloe says the party’s off and storms outside, followed by Trent. Trent foolishly believes having a good time sans alcohol is totally possible, but Chloe says without food or drinks, it’s not even a party. Trent insists that the two of them will have a good time, even if nobody else shows up.

The girls return to their cabin post-circuit-training, and Poppy needs to speak with Amber urgently. Amber assumes the worst, but no, Poppy just wants her to sign the birthday card she got for Chloe. Which is, for some reason, under her bed. Where Amber also sees a bottle of vodka. Well. Poppy wants to keep vodka under her bed, all right then.

At dinner, Trent catches up with Ian and asks if he wants to come to Chloe’s birthday get-together later. As soon as Ian hears that Amber will be there, he’s in, at which point Trent gives him a dap, and Ian says, adorably, “Ow.” Walking away, Trent tells Dante he should make out with Carter again, to which Dante says, exasperatedly: “She hasn’t talked to me since movie night, AND I found out she has a boyfriend back home. So just stop!” Trent: “Rough.”

Ian joins Becca and Will and tells them that Trent’s invited him to hang out. Will: “I thought you had total contempt for that whole group.” Well yeah, says Ian, but this is a chance to talk to Amber! Will: “If you want to miss out on a sweet neo-pagan ritual, it’s your loss.” Becca is chuffed to have things back to just her and Will. As Alistair approaches, Ian quickly asks them not to mention his invitation to Alistair, as Trent didn’t invite him. Tonight’s after-dinner activity seems to be board games, and Alistair asks if anyone likes Risk. Dude, set the board UP. I will so be there. Will starts to explain that she and Becca are having a runeathon, but Becca is not having any more interlopers, and so she interrupts and informs Alistair it’s a “girls’ night” thing. That’s hardly a deterrent, given that Alistair probably gets along with girls better than Will does. Sorry Alistair, you’re all alone on your birthday!

In the girls’ cabin, everyone is heading out, and Amber says she’ll meet them. Once they’re gone, she sneaks into Poppy’s room and steals some of her vodka. I swear I was one of like five teens ever who never gave a crap about booze. I might occasionally be out until three AM on weeknights — I didn’t have a curfew — but in my pre-college life I probably engaged in underage drinking less than ten times, and I never touched drugs.

Amber presents her gift to Chloe, who is astonished. At first, she thinks Poppy willingly contributed the booze, until Amber explains: “I snuck some, and then watered down the bottle so it would look like it’s still full.”

…

…….

Never let it be said that Amber isn’t a complex character, folks. Even Chloe is shocked.

The party gets rolling, and “Never Have I Ever” included. Carter’s never had sex outdoors. One of the guys has. Ooooh. Trent isn’t drinking. You go, Trent. Represent for the responsible teens. Ian turns up, and he isn’t drinking either. I do like how the non-drinkers are not being pressured or shamed here. I used to employ driving as an excuse to not drink, since I was the one with the big car and tended to drive, wherever we were going.

Next Trent says he’s never shoplifted. Amber has. This actually doesn’t surprise me in the least. She says her friends started her doing it because the store employees would never suspect her, and so: “I got really good at it.” When she wants something, man, she don’t want to pay for it. But then she almost got caught — which was “the scariest thing ever” — so she stopped.

Back at camp, Poppy’s leading game night with her usual mixture of earnest dorkiness.

At Chloe’s party, they’ve moved on to truth or dare. Oh god, this always ends badly. TEENAGERS PLEASE NOTE: TRUTH OR DARE ALWAYS ENDS BADLY. Never in the history of truth or dare has there been an instance of this game that didn’t close with someone crying or filled with rage. Dante dares Amber to kiss Chloe. Well, that’s predictable. They do it, and it ain’t no peck either. Ian’s expression immediately following is possibly the funniest thing I have seen on this show.

Y’all, I wept with laughter taking this screenshot. WEPT. The image actually fails to capture the sheer fucking wonderment on his face. You should watch it on Hulu if possible. Because turnabout is fair play, Amber returns by daring Dante to kiss a boy.

Didn’t I say this would end badly?

Dante tries to argue, but nobody is letting him off the hook. Amber suddenly gets up and says she’s not feeling well, and Chloe follows — also Ian — to make sure she’s okay. In their absence, the remaining campers decide Dante should kiss “that really gay guy, Alistair.” Trent tries to volunteer to “take one for the team” — or in this case, for his buddy Athena — by offering to be the recipient of Dante’s affections, but Dante says no. Off the merry band of half-drunk teens goes, to further torment the kid who already feels isolated for not fitting in.

A little ways off, and ostensibly out of earshot, Amber is doubled over on the ground, with Chloe holding her hair, as Ian stands in the background. He asks if Amber’s okay, and offers to walk Amber back to her cabin so Chloe doesn’t have to leave her party. Off they go, Ian gingerly touching Amber’s shoulder, as Chloe heads back to rejoin the now-evaporated group. When she hears the news of the impending Dante/Alistair pairing, she and Trent run to catch up.

Ian and Amber have made it back to camp, and Amber feels worse than ever. She slurringly thanks Ian and gives him an awkward hug while Will surreptitiously watches from inside the cabin. Hug completed, Ian awkwardly (DRINK!) leans in, but is denied when Amber lurches away, oblivious, making a beeline for the bathroom. An appropriate moment to kiss is not just any moment in which two people’s face are close together; it’s a feeling, a vibration in the air. Possibly most teenaged straight boys are too hungry for proximal flesh to know when it’s happening and when it’s not, but I knew, even at that age. This is not the moment, Ian.

Seconds later, Amber is upchucking in the sink. The sink? Seriously, woman? You couldn’t make the toilet? Will comes in and expresses concern, until Amber says she just drank too much. Will is hilariously unimpressed by this. She starts to leave, saying she’s supposed to meet Becca, when Amber loudly vomits again. Sighing, Will turns around and comes to hold Amber’s hair and hand her a damp washcloth — a “community” washcloth, which is just what you want to be wiping up puke with. Will asks Amber who gave her the “hooch” — hee hee — and presumes it was George. Amber wonders why she’d say that. After some hinting around on both sides, Will finally tells Amber she saw her making out with George. Amber’s kneejerk response is, “No one’s ever going to believe that. Everyone knows you make stuff up.” Not, “Oh shit, I’m busted,” or “Please keep it a secret,” but rather, “You’re a liar, and no one will believe you.” Call me crazy, but I suspect there might be just a teensy bit of projecting going on here.

Will tells Amber she hasn’t told anyone, and asks how old George is. At this, Amber shifts into begging mode, pleading with Will to keep what she knows to herself. Amber: “It could ruin his whole life and he’s such a good person.” Will thinks for a moment, and then puts Amber to bed in her bunk, saying she’ll clean up after her. I love how Will has her shit together.

Meanwhile, Carter stands outside an open window to the common room, where Alistair is playing a board game with some other campers. She gets his attention, and when he comes over, she tells him Dante wants to talk to him. Alistair comes outside to join Dante on the porch, while Carter and the other mean kids hide under the railing, ostensibly so they can hear and see without being noticed. Dante begins by dourly asking Alistair if they have Scrabble inside. Alistair confirms this, obviously confused. Dante stops trying to flirt, and asks point-blank: “So you’re like gay, right?” Alistair’s expression quivers, shifting in waves for a long moment. “I don’t really think of it like that,” he says. “I don’t really like labels. I’d rather just… be a person. And, another person. And, be comfortable in who I am. And who we are.” Dante wants to know, “but is the other person a dude or a girl?” Alistair tries to explain it, “in theory”, but Dante just goes in for the kiss. There are quiet gasps from the mean kids, still hidden, and Chloe and Trent finally reach them just in time to see the main event.

As Dante pulls back, Alistair immediately apologizes, saying he thinks Dante is a nice guy, but he likes someone else. For a moment, Dante is bewildered by this rejection. Soon he collects himself and says, “It was a joke, dude,” which is the unofficial cue for the rest of the collaborators to burst out laughing. Except for Chloe and Trent. The siblings match gazes, guilt and sadness in Chloe’s crumpling face, Alistair’s eyes frighteningly and unexpectedly dark with rage, both their expressions saturated with pain. Without a word, Alistair turns and walks away.

Chloe turns on Dante, shoving him hard, shouting. Nobody understands why she is so angry. When she runs off, Trent follows.

Elsewhere, Dr. Gina celebrates her sobriety. Or abstinence. “Hi, I’m Dorothy and I’m a compulsive overeater.”

Ian finds Becca in the woods, stood up by Will. Both seem unsurprised. “You know how she is, “ says Ian. “I do,” says Becca. Ian takes a rune. Curiously, the runes used are the exact same set I had in college; they had a particular sound, clicking against each other.

Somewhere, Trent comforts Chloe, telling her he’d always wanted a twin, “because you’d never be alone.” Chloe says that’s the worst part. Even Camp Victory — she came alone last year, and so she could have this place to herself. But not now.

Wayne brings Dr. Gina home from her meeting, and tells her he was glad to be there for it. Dr. Gina, who can be an amazing idiot for someone so smart, asks if he means he thinks he’s a compulsive overeater. No, he means he likes you. Awkward. (DRINK!) Her phone beeps, and she throws her purse to the side. They kiss, apparently for the first time. Wayne leaves, and Dr. Gina checks her phone. Guess who?

Commercials. More magical ass-narrowing sneakers!

In the girls’ cabin, Amber is telling Will about kissing George during Spirit Quest. “It’s so hard, to like, be around someone, and have to pretend you don’t feel what you feel.” Will looks away, saying, “Yeah.”

Becca returns, and Will immediately apologizes, explaining that Amber was running for vomit queen. Amber seconds this. Becca’s reaction is chilly; when Will asks if they can do it now, Becca says she’s too tired. How long until Becca snaps, from feeling shoved aside so often? It’s probably a matter of time.

In the boys’ cabin, Trent is yelling at Dante, while simultaneously keeping up the lie that Chloe and Alistair don’t know each other. Dante claims to have been drunk and manipulated: “I was a pawn in this situation!” When Ian asks what’s wrong, Trent vaguely says the party didn’t end so well. Ian asks for specifics just in time for Alistair to stomp inside angrily, refusing to speak to or look at anyone, going directly into the bathroom and slamming the door. Dante says “no hard feelings”, which is probably pretty high on the list of stupid things to say in this situation. Trent tries, “Hey, Athena, we’re really sorry. You can hit me if you want. I’m serious.” Ian wants to know: “What did you do to him?”

Alistair slams back out of the bathroom, walks to his bunk, furiously removes his Crocs, and then climbs up into bed. Ian climbs the ladder after him and leans over, saying, “Alistair,” but Alistair wordlessly pulls a sheet over his head.

In a parked SUV in the woods, Dr. Gina has just finished having mostly-clothed sex with the married guy who runs the tennis-douchebag camp next door. “I hate myself,” she says. Man, this show got really dark all of a sudden. Can I get one shot of some swimwear-clad fats? Maybe the long-awaited boys’ cabin underwear-pillowfight? Dante leading a massive multi-fatty dance spectacular to “Separate Ways” as a fitting apology to Alistair? “Someday, love will find you!” Something?

It’s the next morning. The Camp Victory ducks are back! Wait, is one of them missing?

Amber is in bed, but fully dressed, and sneaks out to meet George. Elsewhere George is walking, and when he hears someone else, assumes it’s Amber, saying, “Don’t be scared, it’s just me.” It’s not Amber. It’s Dr. Gina, doing the fabled Walk of Shame. George, too self-absorbed to notice, starts babbling about going for an early run, and can’t see that Dr. Gina wants nothing more out of life at this moment than for him to shut the fuck up and go away. He babbles more about self-sabotage, asking how he can stop a kid from doing this. Dr. Gina says he can be a good example, but in the end it comes down to individual choice: we are who we choose to be. She tries, again, to walk away, but George persistently sticks with her, barnacle-like, all the way back to camp.

Somewhere, Amber waits, leaning against a rock.

Later, Alistair sits watching some of the other campers play on the main field, looking at the birthday card on which Trent has written: “Athena, You rock dude! Trent,” and then watching Trent himself. Some kids are playing tetherball! I want to play tetherball! Ian joins Alistair at the picnic table, and asks him what Trent said. Damn, I would have liked to see that conversation. Alistair said Trent’s apology was “pretty heartfelt”. Also Dante won’t even look at him. Ian is all yeah, fuck those jerks. Then Alistair says, “You want to know the lamest part? That was my first kiss.”

Ian commiserates, telling the tale of his terrible first kiss, involving braces, in which his tongue got stuck in “this girl’s Machiavellian flytrap of a mouth.” I feel vaguely guilty that my first kiss was actually kind of awesome and romantic. I probably paid for this when it turned out that every single guy I dated in my entire life was gay or otherwise queer, with two exceptions, one of which is the one I married, so although I have some grand kissing behind me, I also have a lot of hard-won angst as well.

Trent waves at Alistair, and he waves back. Ian: “Wait, you forgave him?” Alistair: “I had to. How could I not?” And here, it becomes apparent who it is that Alistair likes.

Amber comes back to camp to find George helping Poppy pack up the boating stuff. Poppy asks if she’s okay, and Amber says, “It’s just weird when you think something’s gonna happen, but then it doesn’t, and you don’t know why.” Poppy thinks Amber is upset because boating has been cancelled today. Poppy explains it’s because there’s a chance of thunderstorms, “right George?” George: “Yeah, they had to cancel it, it was too dangerous.” What proceeds is a wonderfully delicate coded conversation between Amber and George, in which Amber asks when they can go “boating” again, and George tells her there are a lot of other activities at camp, and maybe Amber should turn her attentions elsewhere. Amber leaves, sadly, and the oblivious Poppy tells George, “I think maybe she needs a hug.”

Our epilogue this week shows us Alistair drawing runes with Becca. His is blank, and his question was, “Will I ever be in love with someone who loves me back?” He thinks this is a bad result, but a blank rune is like a blank page — not empty, but rather rife with possibilities.

Next week: Part one of the two part finale — Parents’ Weekend.