FAREWELL, CRUEL FATOSPHERE: A Swiftian* Solution Written While Totally Sober

* Swiftian: Employing a satirical approach inspired by the writings of Jonathan Swift; like Swift’s writings in tone or outlook; often, specif., sardonic, caustic, pessimistic, etc. (1); see also sarcasm.

I have a problem with the Fatosphere.

Oh no, it’s not what you think! Prior posts on this blog notwithstanding, it’s not about the overwhelming whiteness of so much of Fat Acceptance. Nor is it not about the precious little FA discourse that takes place around class or gender or race or disability. I don’t really give a shit about intersectional politics, in fact. I just put that in the header for the whopping number of page hits it gets us.

No, my problem is far more widespread, and far more insidious. You see, the Fatosphere bothers me – I’m not sure how to say this – because… well… they’re really into fat acceptance.

Damn, it is SUCH a huge relief to finally acknowledge that out loud. Whew!

It’s like these people see fat prejudice everywhere! It’s crazy! They won’t shut the fuck up about it! Some newspaper prints an article about how being fat will inevitably kill you and it’s as if they take it all personal and shit! If someone they work with, or even a family member, is making hilarious jokes about how disgusting fat people are, they just can’t leave it alone! It’s like it doesn’t matter how much folks reassure them, “Well, when I said ‘fat people’ I wasn’t talking about YOU.” Undaunted, they blog and blog and blog about it and go ON and ON like it’s the end of the damn world. They get outraged. They demand that something be done. And it happens all the time, every day of the week; no matter what, these people will find something to be angry about. Some podunk state wants to make fat people pay more for health insurance? So what? Some company wants to force its employees to lose weight and charge the ones who don’t? Who cares? Airlines want to treat fat people without basic human respect? Why not? What’s the big deal? Why TALK about it ALL the time? What good does it do?

I mean, it’s not as if it’s not ALL TRUE, right? We agree on that, right? Fat people are just ticking death clocks, waddling around, going about their lives just waiting for their adipose tissue to suddenly overwhelm them and end it all: GOODBYE FATTY. More room on the train for the slender! Fat people are nothing more than jiggling food vacuums careening wildly out of control until the inevitable day when their gluttony propels them right off a cliff into Fat Death (where they will immediately go to the Fat Heaven, naturally, which is a greasier and worse-smelling version of the normal Heaven where god-fearing thin people go).

And you know, most thin people just IGNORE fat prejudice. Why can’t we be more like them? You know why they ignore it? Because fat prejudice is not REAL! It doesn’t exist for them! The Fatosphere is a sorry collection of criminally oversensitive, validation-seeking, angry ugly people who go about our days just LOOKING for something to get offended about, SEEKING OUT opportunities to point out so-called “anti-fat” bullshit to the extent that we have to make stuff up half the time. We do this when we could just as easily look the other way! Thin people know better.

BUT! I have the solution, in a two-pronged approach. This first prong is that if everyone in the Fatosphere would just be NICER, and learn to stop seeing fat prejudice every bloody place we look, then everything would be fine. I bet fat prejudice would stop affecting us every single day of our lives, in every social interaction, in every professional circumstance, in every mundane errand, even just walking past a cluster of teenagers on our way to the corner store, if fat people were just NICER. The second prong is where we all go on diets, or get weight-loss surgery! If fat people could just learn to be thin, to assimilate ourselves into the established (and clearly correct, since the majority is never wrong!) culture of Thin As Normal, we could easily ignore fat prejudice for the rest of our lives! And ignoring a problem makes it go away. Not talking about it and analyzing it and working through it. Ignoring it is the only way!

You heard me! Ignoring prejudice, sticking one’s head in the proverbial sand, will always make injustice magically disappear. I mean, think about it: isn’t this the reason why we no longer have things like racism, or sexism, or homophobia, or ableism in our modern utopian world? Because we’re so fucking committed to ignoring them? As a result they have ceased to exist! Like a troll nobody feeds, they’ve withered and evaporated, never to be seen again! WE ARE FREE. So maybe if we all shut down our fat blogs, stop talking about fat people like they’re ordinary humans worthy of respect and consideration, and just turn a blind eye to fat prejudice everywhere, THEN! THEN we can end fatphobia forever!

You’re welcome, Fatosphere. No need to thank me, or shower me with praise. I’m just glad I could help.

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